...Tug on Them Heart Strings!

I forgot to mention that, on the morning following our TV special, I and the rest of the comics were slagged on a Saskatoon radio station. They’d been invited to attend, but declined the invitation, and instead, slipped someone into the club to record the whole show. The next day they played cuts of each comic and lambasted them. Some people are angry about it, but then, some people just have no sense of humour ...besides ... it’s free advertising!

Spent yesterday at the Toastmasters International speech contest; I know ...it’s not Stand-up comedy, but, I did it Stand-up style, so I think it merits mentioning here. In spite of my natural modesty, I must say ...there was no competition! I won ...guess what? ...”First Place!”

The International, is primarily for inspirational/motivational presentations; I don’t like people trying to motivate me, so, out of fairness, I don’t try to motivate others. Mine is, I hope, purely inspirational, and the tricky part of 'Inspirational', is that it doesn't materialize from logical dialect, it is less about 'expression' ...and much more about, 'impression'. I decided to do it stand-up style, because I like the way that allows you to develop an image with minimal verbiage, then, just as quickly, annihilate it! And an eclectic group of images are annihilated in my presentation! I look briefly at ox-carts, automotive computer chips, the bible, paraplegic heavy equipment operators, pee-tests, buffalo chips, slapping people on the bare bottom, my mother, hot tea, windows, Twitter, Gabriel Dumont, Facebook, Tommy Douglas, the odds of your being born Afaganian, Zimbabwean, or, perhaps, Haitian, and the whole concept of ‘Winners’, as applied to individual Canadians, and the Canadian population as a whole; past, present and future! Whew! That’s a mouthful, especially when it has to come out, and come together, in less than seven and a half minutes! At the same time, it can’t be individual pieces, but everything must be part of a recognizable whole! Oh yes! Just one more thing, it’s inspirational, so it has to take people on an emotional roller-coaster, and, at the conclusion, leave them feeling better about themselves and their world.

I do want a little laughter in the set, mainly to get the audience’s attention right off the bat, and then perhaps three times throughout the presentation, as an aid to transition between sections of the presentation itself. I want them laughing as I walk on stage, and I accomplish that with a title that, when it first rattles off your ears, strikes the listener as an absurdly extravegant boast; but, remember ...this is supposed to be an extraveganza! Then, immediately, re-enforce that boast, and, just as quickly, reverse it, let them know that I’m boasting on behalf of not just myself, not just them, but all Canadians. I talk about the original pioneers, future generations of Canadians, and, of course, all of us that are here right now!

No inspirational piece is complete without a Hero, and I provide an unlikely one. Blowing someone up to heroic proportions is a difficult undertaking, its kinda’ like taking a trip north; there’s only so far you can go, before you can’t go any farther north! So, let’s say that you start 1000 miles from the north pole, that means you can ‘go north’ a maximum of 1000 miles. Now, if you want to travel north farther than that, you can, but ...you have to head south first! So, I’m going to take ‘em 1000 miles south; then, if it all works out, I can take ‘em 2000 miles north!

It is emotional manipulation, and I don’t really care for it, but, people like the inspirational type of speech, so, OK, they’re asking for it, and I’ll do it the best I can. And, it’s kind of a handy trick in a Comedy Club as well. Laughter is an emotional process, when provoked well, and I wouldn’t want to provoke it any other way.

So, I describe my hero as a man in his late sixties, who used to put in drainage tiles on my Father’s farm. I describe him as simply dressed with massive shoulders ...a powerful man! As I speak I can see the dubiety in the listener’s eyes. OK, now let’s take that first jaunt south! I first want my listeners to feel, within themselves, just a touch of contempt; to do that I take them back to when this fellow was ten years old, at the start of the depression. I describe him as weeping at the realization that, “his parents would be gone some day, and that he’d have to take care of himself!” Now the audience is looking much more dubious; time to take another jaunt south, and for this, I suggest, but never explicitly state, a long history of alcohol/drug abuse. My, my; we’re so far south now I can smell mint julep! Turn back? No! They paid for the ride, so ...let’s take ‘em all the way! Can’t wring much more mileage from contempt, so let’s try a little shame; have to squeeze it out of the audience ...cause I got none!

So, let’s knock down the mirrors, and clear up the smoke; I let them know that my Hero was a paraplegic, and the sudden silence is shattering! Now, the roads clear all the way to the pole; 2000 miles of smooth sledding! On the way I mention the difficulties my Bride and I have with modern technology, comment on historical perspectives, and finally give them my hero’s advice and best wishes for future generations! Not bad ...and I’m left with an extra 30 seconds!

My rendition was acceptable yesterday; I have the memory work just about nailed down, and good gestures. Now it’s just to soup it up with a little vocal jazz, and keep my self esteem engine going at full boil!

It all depends on your Point of View!

I've talked about my thoughts on the importance of 'Point of View' in stand-up comedy, but, while traipsing through Alberta I read a book by Franklyn Ajaye, and found that he said it all first and best. The title of the book is, "Comic Insights: The Art of Stand-up Comedy". It's a great book; not too long on theory, and gives a great range of interviews with some of the great names in comedy.

“It all starts here. An individual point of view is by far the most important element for the memorable stand-up comedy. It’s what makes any artist of merit truly stand out. Artists as disparate as Picasso, Richard Pryor, Miles Davis, Woody Allen, The Beatles, Salvador Dali, Marlon Brando, Martin Scorcese, and Quentin Tarantino all have in common the fact that they possess very individualistic points of view through which they filtered their artistic perceptions of life.

Many great comedians will tell you that from a very early age people would laugh at the things that they said, even when they were serious. Why? Because their serious “take” or point of view struck the listener as funny or odd. Your point of view is the voice you hear when you talk to yourself. As a stand-up, tapping into how you really feel or think about this madness we call life is the key to tapping into your true sense of humor. We don’t all look at life the same way, despite the best efforts of the media and politicians to paint us as a collective group that marches in the same sort of intellectual goose step. An aspiring comedian must be determined to get to his or her true feelings on a subject and convey that to the audience. Figure out what you’re feeling or interested in because the goal is to get the audience interested in what you’re interested in. Good stand-up comedy is drawing people into your head.”

...Blood on The Wall!

“I was scared and fearing for my life

I was shakin' like a leaf on a tree

'Cause he was lean, mean

Big and bad, Lord

Hosein' that Hate at me!”

Thank you Mr. Skynyrd! When I went to ‘The Comic Strip’ I was concerned about the possibility of dying on stage; but, believe it or not, there are worse places for a comic to die! When the show was over I chatted for a while, then, while the Jester and Sir and Lady Lot’s O’ Laughs, got their stuff together, I nipped out front with my coffee for a smoke.

Leaning against the West Edmonton Mall wall, I was approached by two down-and-outers, who hit me up for a cigarette. The two really encroached on my personal space; this is often the first indication that the person is a social retard, but, with panhandlers it’s just a way of intimidation. They move close, you move back to regain your space, they move close again, and you give them something just to get rid of them. I didn’t budge, and gave them only eye contact, but ...don’t touch me!

Now, a mid-thirties steroid junkie, all attitude and black Harley T-shirt comes by; having no luck with me, the two ask him for a cigarette! Because of the ‘personal space’ issue, it looks as if the three of us are together, despite my being the only one with a lap-top bag! I don’t know what the problem was with this fourth player in the scene, he didn’t appear drunk, but, he flipped! He swung in to confront ‘us’, and there was poor me, with no personal space at all, back against the wall, and no way to take ‘three steps’, even if he’d let me have ‘em!

He spouts a lot of abuse, and the pan-handlers are shaking, and babbling that they had only, in fact, asked for a cigarette! I’m wondering how I got caught up in this low rent nightmare! The ‘Harley’ boy has his fists cocked, and yells, “I’m afraid! ...Have you any idea what I’m afraid of!?” The pan-handlers are beyond words! This is no time for a joke! I try to defuse the tension by stating the obvious; “You’re afraid you’re going to hurt someone!”, which was, I thought, the truth, and something I was afraid of myself!

The ‘Hog’ psycho locks my eyes and I’m hosed down with hate and rage! For a minute I’m thinking that this ‘moment’ isn’t going to evolve well! Then ‘Hog’ man again dispenses his macho wisdom, and I’m picturing myself as ‘roid-rage road kill’! “Yeah!” he shouts, “I’m afraid I’m going to hurt someone! There’ll be blood on the wall ...and it won’t be mine!” Then, after glaring for a few more seconds, he turns and stalks off into the Edmonton night!

I’ve got even more adrenaline kicking through my system than when I came off stage just an hour ago! My hearts beating so hard it’s putting stretch marks on my old ‘Indian’ pull-over! I didn’t enjoy this scenario at all; but, it has proven a remarkably efficient cure for chronic comic constipation!

...A Comic Stripper?!

The ‘Comic Strip’ is Canada’s only Class A Comedy Club, and bills itself as ‘Las Vegas’ style entertainment. It’s beautiful! Three tiers of seating, so there isn’t a poor seat in the house. Staff seat the patrons upon arrival thus guaranteeing that there is a crowd around the stage; here again your feet are at the audiences face level, and the faces are right at the edge of the stage. Great fun, you can bend over and look straight into their eyes!


It’s a wide venue, and holds about 300 people; on Monday night there were perhaps 100 in attendance. Again, a great line up of comics, and we are carefully instructed on the importance of keeping to our five minute maximum stage time. I draw the number 8 position, and sit back to enjoy the show. A fourteen year old has been brought by his parents all the way from Calgary! He can’t perform in the Calgary bars because he’s under age; the Comic Strip, however, is rated as ‘Family Entertainment’, and he can legally go on stage. The young fellow is very good.

Just loved that stage and my five minutes on it. The crowd was terrific, responding well just where I expected them to, and showing their appreciation. At one point they were a little slow to laugh, but, when it did start, I just said, “That’s Ok! I can wait for you!” which got an even better response! At the end of the show the ‘Headliner’ of the evening, Mr Lars Calieux, announced that I’d had the best line of the evening, he liked that, “Calloused Assed Gutter Sluts!”

All told an entertaining and informative weekend. Also, that brings my Stand-up career to a grand total of 22 performances; this, according to my mentor, John Cantu, means that I now have to start trying to get a couple laughs each time on stage.

Dudes at the Druid!

Edmonton on a Sunday night, and we have an appointment at the ‘Druid’; our Jester is MCing this event. There is, to me, a certain irony in this choice of name for an Irish pub; it’s still all decked out in St. Paddy’s day regalia. What I find ironic is the fact that, if memory serves, the ‘Druids’ were the ‘snakes’ that St. Pat drove out of Ireland ...kind of a conflict of national identity.


Again a great range of comics, some having come from Calgary for the evening, and, of course, some having come from Saskatoon. They have a great stage, but ...a very funny audience set up! Right in front of the stage is a huge Irish fantasy in crystal and mirrors ...the bar. This means that the audience is in booths along the wall to right of stage, and at tables to the left, but really, no one out front! This makes it very difficult to hold the audience’s attention.

The Edmonton comics are a great bunch! They go on stage with great passion and preparation, but, in the unanimous opinion of the ToonTownTroupe, greatly lacking in punch lines! Sir Lot’s O’ Laughs and myself lay claim to the two opening spots; everyone is tired and we want to get our contribution to the evening’s entertainment out of the way quickly.

I get on stage, and can’t believe the constant low rumble of conversation in the audience; I stand there and just look at them for a few seconds ...it don’t go away! So I began, and did a mix of new stuff and part of what I’d done in Calgary the night before. It goes fairly well and I’m more than happy with the response I receive.

Edmonton is a great spot for developing comics; in theory, an open miker has the opportunity to appear on stage 18 times in one week! One fellow does a wickedly witty set of one liners and puns ...great material, but his delivery lacks oomph! Most of the rest have great delivery, but, as mentioned earlier, don’t seem to regard punch lines as a requisite part of their set!

A group of big boys take over the one table that is almost in front of the stage. They appear, to my eye, as body builders. Eventually two of them take a turn each on stage, speaking with passion, and moving with leonine fluidity. I talk to both of them later, and it turns out the one fellow is only on his second appearance on a Stand up stage. I have to ask him;

Do you fellows all work out at the same gym?

I’m not gay...

But ...I’m not blind either!

Turns out they all play football on the same team! All told, a great evening.

We find our accommodations for the night, and I’m taken right back to my University days. The Jester has all four of us booked at a friend’s place; this fellow is finishing his second last year of medical school. We’re all tired and it’s lights out by 1:00 am. I awake at 9:30 while the rest of the house was silent! I slipped out on the balcony to call my bride, and realized that I’d locked myself out. It had been raining when we arrived at the Druid, but had quickly changed to heavy snow. My bride thought this balcony escapade was hilarious, and wouldn’t stop laughing; I just don’t get no sympathy!

I spent about 45 minutes on the balcony before there were signs of life within. Once back inside it didn’t take long to get everybody showered and presentable, and we were off to the West Edmonton Mall, and our final destination, the ‘The Comic Strip’!

...puttin' the Whiskey down!

A long, pleasant drive to Calgary with the Jester at the wheel, followed closely by Sir and Lady Lot’s O’ Laughs. We arrive The Whiskey club about 5:30 pm, and are given keys to our room at the Hyatt; five comics in one room! Ain’t that a barrel of monkeys!?! I eventually share a bed with our Jester; my Bride asks me later what it was like sleeping with him. I tell her; “He’ll never take your place ...at least ...not willingly!


We arrive back at the ‘Whiskey’ just in time to draw our time slots ...I get lucky 13! For my ‘hooker’ joke to work I had to find out where Calgary’s High Stroll was located ...it’s on 3rd Ave ...coincidently right outside the ‘Whiskey’. Rather than a ‘walk in the park’, this gig looks like a ‘stroll on the High side’! The stage is wedged between two windows at the front of the room ...you can see the hookers walk by.

Stu, the organizer of Funny Fest has a chat with us; he’s a funny guy. I know several comics who’ve been short changed or outright robbed by this fellow; you immediately sense the tension between himself and our Jester. Quite a line up of comics, five from Calgary, five from Edmonton, one older fellow from Washington State,and, of course, our Saskatoon contingent of four. The bar itself is a long narrow affair, a little awkward in appearance, but, somehow, it generates great intensity in the audience. At FunnyFest, the ‘Whiskey’, is where all the main acts come after their last show each night, and perform for the other comics.

Because there are so many comics we’ve been asked to keep to eight minutes maximum time as opposed to the ten we’d prepared for. I’d been apprehensive about being tired and unprepared, but, as the evening wears on I find myself in a state I can only describe as, ‘Dead Calm’. It’s a good place to be when going on stage. The place is licensed for 90, and there may be a little more than 100 in attendance, but there is no room for more.

I’m introduced and step on stage; it’s great, the stage is high enough that the audience’s faces are literally at your feet! The two minutes of material I’ve had to ditch was untried stuff which I’d inserted at the beginning, and I’m just as happy without it. The audience responds very well to my material, and I quickly get to the point where I cut up ‘Open Mikers’;

"A comic’s got to do

What a comic’s got to do,

For ‘mike’ time!

But ..there should be a limit!

It’s pathetic really!

People compare us to the girls on 20th St.

And they are girls!

Can’t call them, Calloused Assed Gutter Sluts!

There’s no comparison!

Those girls have some self respect!

Those girls give value for your money!

Yes,Money!

...That’s right Stu...

...Those girls get paid!"

The crowd seems to love it, and I get a great laugh from them with the “Stu” line, but the comics are all rolling on the floor! All too soon it’s over, and I’m again off stage, feeling great, and quite happy with the reception.

This is a judged event, and at the end we’re all called up on stage for the judges’ decision. Stu announces a $100 award to anyone in the audience who can guess the winner. From the audience response it is clear that they want our Jester to win. However, ‘tis not to be, and someone else is declared. As we leave the stage one of the comics insults our Jester; nothing comes of it immediately, but, the fellow pursues us to the back of the bar. It looks, for a moment, like a brawl is going to break out, but bouncers intercede, and the offending comic is quickly ejected. My money would have been on our Jester; he’s no comic ‘light weight’.

The rest of the crew is going out on the town; I’m tired and decide to go back to our ‘monkey house’, not a bad room really, when there are less monkeys! The rest return sooner than I expect, and they are, well ...restless! Everyone is a little irritated at the housing condition, and a little ticked that the ‘meals’ Stu had promised us in his ‘e’ mail had never materialized. The group consensus is that we should simply order from room service, and leave Stu the bill. I’m not convinced that it’s the best idea, but, it’s what is done, and the rest of the weekend is made entertaining by the flurry of phone calls and text messages generated by this faux pas!

Ox-carts & Buffalo Chips!

I hate being put in a position where I feel that I should be multi-tasking. I don’t multi-task! On good days, I’m thrilled if I can just task! Bad days? Not so much so! Just as I was preparing to begin my little speech contest, I got blindsided by this Alberta road trip. I have to look at both as equally important, and divvy my time up accordingly.

Compared to my target, I did quite poorly last night at the first level of the contest. On the ‘up’ side, the audience didn’t realize just how poor it was, and the judges allowed me to squeak through. Whether man or mouse I’ll settle for a ‘squeak’ at this point! I have to do it again tomorrow night, but, for me, that’s just a practice run; I’ve already got my slot for the next contest level on March 27th. I’ll arrange to do it before an audience again on the 24th; between now and them ...practice. It was kind of nice to be before a crowd, spouting off about ox-carts, buffalo chips, and whether Gabriel Dumont might be called a ‘twit’ because he didn’t ‘Twitter’.

This afternoon I must do a re-write on my material for the Show Case; delete some, put in some new stuff, and re-work it so it is applicable to a Calgary crowd. I wish I could just do one or the other ...but ...it will all get done! I’ll rehearse both tonight and tomorrow, and take my material ‘on the road’ with me.

Alberta Bound!

The last time I stayed a while in Calgary I was looking for a job, and I ...well, let's just say I got 'bucked off'. Truth to tell, I wasn't really looking forward to repeating that experience any time soon. Yesterday, whilst I was working on tonight's material for the Toastmasters International Speech Contest, the 'Jester phoned! He wanted to know if I'd like to take a little tour of Alberta this weekend? Just a short trip, with one night in Calgary, and two in Edmonton, nothing special really ...just the usual funny business!

Calgary would be a, 'Show Case', or, if you prefer, an audition for a spot in Calgary's 'Funny Fest', coming up at the end of April. It's the second biggest comedy festival in Canada! ...Wood Eye? ...Wood Eye?!? Unrequited resumes aside, I love Calgary; the perfect place, to my mind, for a Plaid-Assed Plainsman, such as myself! Ride into town on a Work Horse, Saturday Night, and ask for a job again? No! I'll ride into town on a Hobby Horse, and ask for a spot to demonstrate my hobby! Just give me a few minutes to catch my breath and dust myself off! Below I've inserted a few observations on Calgary that I made my last time out:

"Fort Calgary was built in 1875, and the following year was given its name by Colonel James MacLeod whose family owned a small Castle called “Calgary House”, located on Calgary Bay on the Isle of Mull at the northern end of Scotland. The name is believed to come from the Gaelic “Cala-ghearraidh”, or, “Beach of the Pasture”, as cattle were raised in that area of Mull. The name seems fitting, for, while I haven’t seen much beach, there’s no shortage of pasture in the area. Indeed, some consider Calgary to be Canada’s most Scottish city, with regards to the Scottish names applied to many of its communities and subdivisions.

www.rampantscotland.com/placenames/placename_calgary.htm

Some of the names were established by historic Canadian Hero’s like Colonel MacLeod, many by the settler’s who followed in his tracks, and even more by the 1920’s real estate boom in Calgary when immigration from Scotland was encouraged by the advertising of lot’s for sale in subdivisions named with an eye to appealing to Highland hearts."

I went to the web-page of 'Funny Fest' to fill out the requisite paperwork, and found this rejoinder; "All material to be, 'PG-14', and, as a rule, our audience doesn't respond well to 'Blue'!" OK! I see it's time to have a little talk with our Jester! I called him, and asked if I should keep to the 'mild' end of my comedic spectrum. "No!", was the Jester's reply, "This is a Show Case, I want you to go with your best stuff ...and ...go hard! I'll be so 'Blue' that anything you do will look, 'Pink' in comparison!"

So, 'Pink' it is! If my ten minutes generate half the laughter now, as my resumes did years ago, I should be, 'In Like Flint!'

"Pretty in Pink! ...Don't ya Think?

Pros & Cons!

“When you have confidence,

You can have lots of fun.

And when you have fun,

You can do amazing things.”

Joe Namath

It’s always interesting watching the opposed worlds on either side of the stage. In theatre, the line between the two is called, “The Fourth Wall”; and, ‘Theatre’ only works because of the tacit agreement between thespian and audience that that wall is, indeed, there. The two worlds exist separately, with the audience ‘observing’ the ‘world’ on stage, and is the foundation of the, ‘suspension of disbelief’. The parameters of Stand-Up comedy are similar, yet vastly more complicated.

Stand-up is a discourse, or, conversation, between two entities; a rather one sided conversation, as, ideally, one side stands up, and hopefully, the other shuts up! I call the audience an entity because, an audience of 200 is no audience at all if it looks and behaves as 200 individuals. For 200 people to merit the term audience, they have to act and react like a single person. You might call this definition disparaging, but, I call it, ‘having their full attention.’ Others call it, “Holding the Crowd”, sometimes a difficult trick to master, but, if you can’t master it ...forget telling jokes!

Naive people assume that a comic gets on stage and is ...somehow ...spontaneously ...funny! And they’re absolutely correct, but ...that apparent ‘spontaneity’ is developed only through months and years of sweat invested in material and delivery. As in theatre, the forth wall is there ...only, in the case of comedy, it is semi-transparent, and, to the untrained eye, permeable. Here too, it all boils down to, ‘suspension of disbelief’, but here, the agreement is not quite so implicit. In Stand-up, each comic must come to his own terms with the audience ...establish his own ‘Symbiosis’.

Symbiosis: “A relationship between two people in which each person is dependent upon and receives reinforcement, whether beneficial or detrimental, from the other.”

Sounds almost parasitic ...don’t it? I have seen ‘sets’ that certainly, ‘sucked the life’ out of an audience; conversely, I’ve seen audiences that have, ‘sucked the life’, out of both ‘set’ and comic. In either case, responsibility rests solely on the shoulders of the comic! (Jeez ...I hate to use, ‘responsibility’ and ‘comic’, in the same sentence.) By that I mean, each comic must orchestrate his own ‘suspension’ of each audience’s ‘disbelief’. I’d best describe it by saying:

“OK! ...I know I’m BS’ing!

You know I’m BS’ing!

But, for the moment,

Let’s just ignore that one, awkward fact!”

Don’t believe me? Watch how many comics repeatedly preface their material with phrases like; “This really happened”, “Believe me, this actually happened” or, “This is true” and words to similar effect. I don’t like that approach; when someone keeps insisting they’re telling the truth, I become suspicious. For myself, begging the audience to believe is not just amateurish, but blatant chicanery. I’m not against ‘chicanery’ as such; I just object to the blatant part!

The relationship between audience and comic is, in its most essential form, a game of confidence. A good conman gives his victim, (audience), the confidence to give the conman what he wants. The victim wants to be conned, just as the audience wants to suspend its disbelief. Were that not the case, they would have saved their money and stayed at home to read a joke book, or watch, ‘Just For Laughs’, on television. But, there is magic, smoke and mirrors in a comedy show that will never leap from the pages of a book, nor from the glass eye of a TV.

A comic has to give the audience the confidence to believe, not come, hat in hand, begging for that belief! And how does he do that? The comic has to believe in his material, in his delivery and in himself to such a great extent, that ...there’s more than enough confidence for everyone. That’s the only way, when the conductor calls, “All aboard”, the passengers will all take their seats, go wherever that particular train is going, all the while sitting back and enjoying the comic ‘scenery’ unwinding before them.

That’s why beginning comics have such difficulties; and why so many don’t make it to their 2nd, 3rd, or 100th time. Without sufficient confidence the train may pull out of the station ...leaving the comic standing on the platform, with not even ...a wave goodbye! Worse, the engine may depart, but the train itself remains motionless at the siding!

Worst of all, the comic may get, ‘red lighted.’ That’s when the train and comic both leave the station together, but, somewhere between departure and destination, the comic’s confidence goes off the rails. At this point the audience abandons him mid journey; the term, ‘red lighted’ comes to us from people being thrown off trains. As they go tumbling through the cinders, rocks and weeds, the last thing they see is the red light on the back of the caboose ...dwindling round the next bend!

That's what it's all about really, having fun! That's what the audience is there for; and, whether they know it or not, that's what the comic is there for. If you're ever in an audience, laughing and enjoying a great set, and you notice a strange 'sucking' sound ...that's just your credibility being flushed! Same audience, same set, but no laughter and the same 'sucking' sound ...same thing ...only this time the credibility is that of the comic! In order for a show to be fun, the comic must bring to the stage ...enough confidence for everybody!

..."I'll be Back!"

Before meandering in to Vangelli’s last night I went to Toastmasters. I’d missed the last five meetings; it was good to be back. My contribution to the evening? Just a couple of atrocious puns; I know ...the pun is the lowest form of humour! However, if I put everything I’ve got into it ...and really stretch ...I can just reach it!

It was a good night with two speakers; one fellow gave his second presentation, this time on the importance of animation, and a young lady, for her first presentation, gave a talk on the difficulties and joys of dealing with a very premature baby. All told, entertaining, informative and touching!

They really should get rid of the guy that controlled the ‘impromptu’ portion of the evening! That maniac had people acting out, ‘Bob Newhart’ ish, telephone skits with zero preparation!

• “Break a date with your teenage heartthrob; you don’t want to lie to them ..but ..you can’t really tell the truth!”

• “You are in a Jamaican jail; busted while clearing Customs for your return flight to Canada! You have one call; use it wisely!”

• “You are a Pioneer telemarketer; you must cold call another pioneer, and convince them to upgrade their lighting system from tallow candles ...to a whale oil lamp!”

Juvenile really! But ...the folks involved did really well ...and ...it was fun to watch!

All too soon it was over; someone left a platter of cookies on the table ...I’d like to say I couldn’t help myself ...but ...I could ...and did! I’d been feeling weary for two days, and, cookies ...in the evening ...certainly didn’t help matters!

It was only a five minute drive from there to the ‘Refuse to Sit Down’ table, where I unfurled the banner of, ‘Sir Limp-A-Lot’, of the lethargic levity. I parked and sat in the car to finish my smoke; I was so tired that I considered the possibility of simply packing up and going home! But, this was what I’d come for, so, I went in.

I’d anticipated, in view of the five of six weeks of really well attended show, a poor turnout. I was right; but only in view of the audience ...we had comics coming out our ears! There were five of them sitting at one table, and, while I’d have liked to have joined them, I just said hello, and retired to my usual table, against the wall, just left of stage. A funny night, which is just what you want in a comedy club; perhaps ‘odd’ would be a better word. Perhaps 35 people were in attendance, beyond bar staff and comics. As it turned out we had 3 people make their first appearance on stage ...with varying degrees of success/failure ...depending on how you look at it.

Our ‘Jester’ got a heckler right off the hop. The fellow didn’t seem to make a great deal of sense, and the ‘Jester’ takes a fairly offensive approach to such as these; he handles fools gladly, but not with kid gloves! Thus began the old, ‘Who’s the A-hole?’ game, and, with few exceptions ...heckler’s tend not to play it well. The comic usually wins! The crowd can take either side, but, a competent comic generally wins them over. Next step is the bouncers, and, if all else fails, the other comics. Benjamin Franklin, an original North American comic, and genuine ‘shape shifter’, said it first and best, “Gentlemen, we all hang together ...or we all hang separately!”

As it was the guy started out stoopid, then took offense at being taken down a peg. It went on for minutes. The ‘Jester’, and eventually, the crowd, seemed to enjoy it; just another part of the entertainment! The ‘heckler’ finally left; whether assisted or not I couldn’t tell from my point of view ...beneath my table! Well, discretion is the entirety of this knight’s valour! I can see the necessity of quelling disruption offensively upon occasion ...but, I’d try those, ‘kid gloves’, first.

First up was a young fellow from Regina. He had material that he’d obviously worked on, and, just as important, sufficient confidence to carry his set. He had no ‘mike’ ability, and had to be informed that no one could hear him. Audience reception; poor but polite!

Next up was a fellow I’ve known for about a year; nice guy, and again, first time. He was prepared and/but cocky. A table with two ladies and one man responded poorly; the ladies started heckling him. It accelerated ...and the poor fellow could not handle it with finesse. Finally the ladies were asked to leave! At the door both paused long enough to give their final evaluation; “You really suck!” Loud, with obvious sincerity, and more than a few adjectives I didn’t bother including. Feel sorry for the comic? No! It was his loaf he cast upon that water ...he might have expected to have it returned tenfold! Still, the comic ‘won’, and continued; all round, a good first attempt! However, during this confrontation we seemed to lose half our audience!

Next up was ‘Sir Trent O’ Paisley’; third time, and much improved. His first two times I’d noticed that he vibrated with nervous energy, and bounced all over the stage. This time he appeared confident with just the right amount of cockiness to lend appeal. Well done!

Next, the ‘Master’, in suit, tie and fedora ...unusual for him in a bar. He did impressions of several comics, and some good, solid regular material. Good set and eighth day sober ...both stalwurthe performances. “Stalwurthe”, is a favourite of mine; it’s an old Scot word, and meant originally, ‘having a solid foundation’. It eventually turned up in English as ‘stalwart’, conveying, ‘Stout Hearted’. Well done!

Then, we had another first timer; someone I’d talked to on a couple other occasions. By this time I was ‘waking up’ at my table occasionally! Good presentation/mediocre reception. Hope to see him up again.
Then, the ‘Master’ shook me awake, led me to the stage and left me propped against the mike! I did most of my, ‘Rural-Sexual’ routine, and, though I didn’t have much energy to put into it, it was well received by what was left of our audience. I finished with my ‘Arnold’ bit ...where I goof just a little on gay life.

“I don’t care whether a person’s..

Hetro, Homo or Ambi-sexterous!

I know what I like.

I couldn’t be queer,

But I understand,

They just want someone they find attractive!

And I’ve never found a man attractive!

Well ...except ..perhaps...”

Someone at the back yelled, “Dez Reed?”, and they got a laugh! This, to my mind, is not heckling; it’s more just, ‘adding to the entertainment.’ You could ignore this, or you could acknowledge it, but, to confront the person would just make things worse. So ...I said;

“Dez Reed?” ...in a suit? ...maybe!

Out of his suit? ...ummh ..No!”

I got two laughs, didn’t exit my act, and continued without any further interruptions. Then I was done; I’d intended to stay and watch the last two acts, but, it was well after 11:00 pm, and I wanted to get home. As I left Vangelli’s there were four ladies outside the door having a smoke, and, along the walk, two young hoodlums doing the same. As I passed them, one said, “You were pretty funny tonight!” I smiled and said, “Thank you”, without stopping. The young fellow went on, “But you were pretty Gay!” Ok. Stop. Turn to face him. Lock eyes. Smile! “Really? ...You noticed? I was hoping it wouldn’t show!” The ladies are laughing. “Yeah” said the young fellow, “You shouldn’t use Arnold! That’s too gay!”

Keep the eyes locked. “You’re right! ...but it’s hard to find a celebrity who does the line, ‘I’ll be back’, in a thick Bavarian accent! But I’m looking. It’s like I said to my wife just this morning, “You know Bill...”

As I exit, the ladies are laughing again, the fellows speechless and disarmed. I doubt that they’d do that again. They didn’t get any laughs. Best of all, the tension was dispelled ...without any need to get ugly. Vangelli’s is taking a break for two weeks; that’s good, I have to concentrate on other things for a while. But...

“I’ll be Back!”

Night the Lights Went Out in Kinley!

Don’t recall seeing the lights of Asquith on my return from Aberdeen last night. Nearly drove right past Kinley ...our street light was out! When I did get home the power was out ...and stayed out for 6 hours! Sat and thought about the evening by candle light and saved a bowl of ‘Strawberry Ice Yogurt’ from the doom of our powerless refrigerator ...very nice. However, my glucose meter didn’t like it this morning! It was interesting sitting in the silent dark; I imagined how the pioneers felt so many years ago. Isolation lurking in every corner ...and ...pressing in relentlessly!


It’s been an interesting week in Kinley. I told the boys last night I’d have to quit hanging around with them, as it’s been drawing too much attention from the police. Last Thursday I was typing in my office when I heard Julie talking loudly in the living room; “Must be on the phone,” thought I. Then, when I went to get a coffee, I noticed that she had a ‘gentleman caller’; a fellow in a blue jacket. He was sitting in his chair with his back to me, quite youngish looking. “Salesman”, thought I, “I’ll let her deal with him!” But, as I found out later ...it was an RCMP officer!

The next day, walking Claymore, neighbours asked, “It’s none of my business, but, why were the police at your place yesterday?” I really wanted to say, “Julie got out of hand ...slapping me around ...nothing I could do really ...finally called the ...!” But no, I told them the truth! Then, Saturday, as I finished my Kinley ‘paper route’, I was accosted by the same young fellow ...wanted to ask me a few questions! I informed him that Julie had ‘spilled all the beans’ to him on Thursday, ...that there was really nothing I felt I could add. He insisted! So, I got to be interviewed on what measures should be instituted for satisfactory community policing!

Met the Court Jester at Vangelli’s last night at 6:40 to go to Aberdeen; he’d said 5:00 pm! What a comedian! I told him I didn’t anticipate much of a turn-out, as it was Oscar night. Our Jester hadn’t thought of that. There were 6 comics in our entourage, and, as it turned out, twice that many members in our audience! We offered to re-schedule, but, the owner wanted us to carry on, as these people had paid for tickets. So, we did!

It is really difficult to get a satisfying laugh response from 4 tables scattered through a fairly large room. To stage right were four ladies, (each a mother of two), from Saskatoon, on a girls night out. Stage front and center were two couples from outside Aberdeen, nice people; both men being of the large, neatly bearded variety. Left, to the back, were two more couples, I believe from Aberdeen. Center back, another couple on their first date; I’d forgotten them in my original count.

Response was light for the first few comics. Our Crown Prince did fairly well; for some reason, he went up early. The lighting was poor, so, when I got up there I anchored myself under one light; I’d noticed that when the other comics moved around, their faces were obscured by shadows. My opening, where I cut up Kinley, and Smithdale Ontario, were fairly well received. Then I tried some new stuff; never done before. I’m putting together a ‘set’ on being a ‘rural’, as opposed to a ‘metro’ sexual! The one aspect of it I did last night was on the ‘machismo’ of men’s facial hair.

It went well; I began by explaining why I shave every day ...any beard I grow has the same macho factor as does the one worn by Santa Clause! Then I critiqued all the current styles, from the ‘lumberjack’, (full, untrimmed), style, to the current, ‘interior decorator’, (small tuft on lower lip), style, and all varieties in between! The two big, burly boys in front never broke a smile; the four ladies on my right were breaking up! It’s a keeper; if the ladies are laughing, the fella’s will fall in line ...no man wants the ladies to think he’s got no sense of humour!

I was pleased with the audience response, for what there was of it. It does throw you off when they don’t laugh where you expect them to. I got rattled, and forgot to do my, ‘Arnold’, the body builder routine; worse, I reversed some of the lines in my more established stuff! You can’t do ‘instant replays’, so ..you ...just ..carry on. I really believe that, no set is worth watching till it's been staged 10 times, and I haven't done my 'established' stuff that many times!

Last up was the ‘Master’, and, his was a laid back, up close and personal, approach; just a nice, intimate conversation with 14 listeners. On our return drive, the ‘Knight of the Dark Countenance’, commented on his surprise that the ‘Master’ could be so funny, not doing a routine, but, apparently just talking to the audience! Someone was quick to point out that, that was just what you might expect, when you take one highly talented young man, and add twenty years of solid, hardcore experience!

Our ‘Jester’ informed me that each of the comics in last week’s ‘Shaw’ extravaganza will receive a complete, final edition DVD of the event. It will be most telling to see what gets left on the cutting room floor!

A little sober reflection!

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the funniest of ‘em all! That would be me, of course ...but just in Kinley and ...just on days no one else is home! I’ve heard back from all the comics, and everyone seems pleased at the way the show went. They even seem to have forgiven me my slightly disparaging words; I opened my set by critiquing ‘grovelling open-mikers’, and the lengths to which we’ll go for ‘mike’ time.

"A comic’s got to do

What a comic’s got to do,

For ‘mike’ time!

But ..there should be a limit!

It’s pathetic really!

People compare us to the girls on 20th St.

And they are girls!

Can’t call them, Calloused Assed Gutter Sluts!

There’s no comparison!

Those girls have self respect!

Those girls give value for your money!

That’s right ..Money!

...Those girls get paid!"

I even dressed for the occasion; charcoal grey jacket, black shirt and black and white tie. Black jeans as well; when I put them on I noticed they were the same ones I wore when sealing up the windows in the Fall. I’d gotten some caulking on them and ...that stuff never comes off! I figured they’d be all right for stage though; nothing denotes a credible comic like a cornucopia of caulk jokes! One of the fellows at ‘Friar Tuck’s’ table commented on the jacket and tie; I explained that ‘momma’ had dressed me, and that she never takes me anywhere without a leash!

My bride was a fashion plate for the evening, and I overheard several ladies make positive comments. I love the way fashion plays, ‘Hide & Seek’ with female anatomy! For our night out my bride’s dress had a broad bold slash across her broad, bold bosom! Very nice! It looked like it was designed by, ‘Jack the Bodice Ripper’ ...and ‘Jack’ was a breast man!

After my set I was wiggling my way through the crowd to get a breath of fresh air, when I was confronted by a large florid faced man. This fella’ was more than a little lit, and just a trifle pissy when I didn’t immediately recognize him. He’d been heckling early in the evening, and had had to be informed that, while his presence was appreciated, it would be appreciated more if it was a silent presence! He went on and on reminding me of all the great times we’d had drinking and playing pool. My memory must be going!

After the show I had a chance to nip out to the parking lot with friends. I’d expected company, and had brought a company cigarette! I was quite flattered when the young lady commented on my size. “That’s too big for a joint!” she laughed, “It looks more like a tampon!” Had to laugh! “Don’t do that!”, I said, “It makes them soggy ...and hard to light!”

Now I have to turn my attention to my appointment in Aberdeen Sunday. Then I’ll have to forget this stand-up thing for a while, and concentrate on my little project for Toastmaster’s International Speech Contest. The first level of the contest will be on March 17th. I have my material pretty much written ...it just remains to give it a little spit shine!

...how sweet it is!

John Cantu

My comic guru, John Cantu, of the Holy Zoo, said that, "Your first 20 times on stage ...don't even worry about getting a laugh!" Sound advice in my opinion; he went on to say that, between your 20th and 50th appearances, you should attempt to get a couple laughs every 5 minutes. I took 550 words with me last night ...I blew two lines in the set. I asked our, 'Court Jester' about the consequences of going overtime on the show, as it took me 5 minutes and thirty seconds to go through it without pausing for audience response. He said, "Don't worry about it!" I'd designed my set with three 'break off' points, so I could finish early if time ran out. I was on stage for 8 minutes & 45 seconds ...and each minute felt like I was in the comfort of my own home.

I just finished running my taped set past my comedy evaluation program ...the results? ...no tears in this clown's eyes! A PAR score of 36%, or, an average of 22 seconds of laughter per minute. I didn't win, but I love the smell of laughter in a set! For a shy, bookworm farmboy ...it smells like Victory! Even better, I got a note from, 'Sir Sass O' Toon Town', and in it he said, "You should enjoy the comments of the judges; you already have, what every comedian wants ...you are U-Knee-Que!" I know ...it's only words ...but ...I love 'em!

At the "Refuse to Sit Down" Table!

Beatin' The Odds!

“Well she grabbed me and asked me,

If I had a name,

She told me she was interested to see,

If I could play the game,

She said her name was Victory,

She didn’t want to know the rules,

That’s just the way I wanted to play,

In a game designed for fools!

We were beatin’ the odds, we were beatin’ the odds,

We were beatin’ the odds again,

We were playin’ with the Devil,

We were playin' to win,

We were beatin’ the odds again!

Well I rolled the dice feelin’ cold as ice,

And Victory drew the cards,

We knew that losin’ when the stakes were high,

Could really hit us hard,

I strapped into the drivers’ seat,

With Miss Victory by my side,

She knew at a glance she was takin’ a chance,

By coming ‘long for the ride!

We were beatin’ the odds, we were beatin’ the odds,

We were beatin’ the odds again,

We were playin' with the Devil,

We were playin' to win,

We were beatin’ the odds again!"

As my Guru said, “Your first 100 times on stage don’t count!” Well, that’s 17 down ...83 to go! I can’t speak for anyone else ...but I sure hope I’m there for my 101st! You’re all invited ...I’m just not sure when or where that event will be. After last night I’m a little saddle sore ...time to get off my high horse! She said her name was “Victory”, but ...that was either a pseudonym ...or ...she came up lame! In either event ...you dance with the horse what brung ya’!

It was a Riotous Assembly! My bride and I arrived about 8:30, and there were, perhaps, 70 people in attendance. By show time, people were turning themselves back at the doors! It was just that packed! When I slipped outside for a smoke, ‘slipped’ was the operative term; you nearly had to grease yourself up to wedge yourself through the crowd! Standing room only ...and that was scarce! Sweaty! No heating bill for Vangelli’s last night! Even the ‘coolest’ comics threw more beads than a New Orleans balcony at Mardi Gras!

I drew the #4 slot. First off the line was our, ‘Knight of Much Menace’. He repeated the ‘newspaper’ routine which I have described before ...with similar effect! Reception was the only ‘cool’ thing in that room.

Hate to mix medieval metaphors, but, next out of the gates was, Friar Tuck. Third time on a comedy stage, and much improved over his first. Well received ...and much appreciated! His third time on stage, and, ...I for one ...look forward to his 101st!

Next was, ‘Sir Trent O’ Paisley’; he showed his set ...and showed it very well! This was his second time on stage ...and no sloppy seconds! Very well done, and much improved over his first! Once again ...a 101st to anticipate!

Listing into the lists next was, ‘Sir Limp-A-Lot’, who floundered down the course on his mis-named steed, “Victory”. The only thing drier than his material and delivery was the audience’s positive response! The lack of applause was deafening! ...at least ...I couldn’t hear it!

"With age a man’s mind naturally turns,

To RRSP’s, Stocks & Bondage!

Took my Bride to an exclusive

S&M Dungeon!

Call it a, ‘Cat House’,

They got lots of Cats,

Each of them Cats,

Has Nine Tails!

Genuine ‘Weapons of Ass Destruction!’"

Next out of the gates, was our own, ‘Crown Prince’; just like a greyhound ...all ribz & nutz! A flawless delivery of his material, and ...just as flawlessly received! He’s a crowd pleaser, our Prince Charming.

Then was the turn of, ‘Sir Sass O’ Toon Town’, and a star turn it seemed to me. His material was very good, varied and very well delivered. It was an awkward crowd last night, and part of the awkwardness could be accounted for the fact that the TV cameras took up so much of the room at the front of the stage. At the back of the tavern, people were crowded cheek to jowl ...this seemed to tend to them to begin talking among themselves...something that, once begun ...was difficult to rectify!

Then came our own, ‘Knight of the Dark Countenance’, and his was a great performance. He took notes on stage with him again ...but it didn’t seem to affect his delivery. He toned down his attitude this time, and later explained it to me as, “boosting his likability”. It did seem to work for the audience ...for myself ...I think I preferred the cocky stridence I’d noted before. All told ...very well delivered and received!

Last, and by no means least, was ‘Sir Lot’s O’ Laughs’; I have no desire to quibble with our honourable judges, but, if a Champion was to be declared at this event ...this would be the man. Great material and a perfectly seamless delivery; indeed, well done!

The show was opened and closed by the ‘Master’ ...and a masterful presentation it was! I would change his nick name to ‘Merlin’, because the man is a sorcerer, and last night’s set was a spellbinder! But, it will remain, for now, the ‘Master’, even as I remain ...the sorcerer’s apprentice! Good stuff!

When it was over, we contestants were lined up and critiqued in, “American Idol” style. I was addressed by the, ‘Black Knight’, and, fond as I was of this fellow before, after his remarks I was ...fonder still! ...and so I remain! His evaluation was fairly detailed, and I won’t go into that detail; suffice it to say that I recall ...”not a bar act” ...”deadpan” ...and, “poetry”.

The winners were:

Myles Morrison

Anthony Trombetta

Joel Jeffrey

Sir Limp-A-Lot
(...and his Noble Steed, 'Victory')

"Time and space stood still that day,

With Victory’s soul and mine,
We were running a race between heaven and hell,
And we couldn’t find the finish line,
And when it was all over we won it in the end,
We were splittin’ the prize when she opened her eyes,
And said Baby let’s try it again!"


We were beatin’ the odds, we were beatin’ the odds,
We were beatin’ the odds again,
We were playin’ with the Devil,

We were playin' to win,
We were beatin’ the odds again!"

Molly Hatchet

I was thinking of sending, “Victory” to the glue factory, because, while, originally she smelled of success ...turns out I was sniffing glue! However, our ‘Court Jester’ told me that, this Sunday, there’s a show in Aberdeen; like ‘Victory’ said ...”Let’s try it again!”

Knights On Broadway!

...bet your Skull & Crotch Bones!

A real comic has to have a 'set'. You can't just stay at home polishing your 'set'; at some point, you have to, "Tread the Boards" ...an old Theatric expression meaning, 'Take a Turn on Stage'. Oddly enough, it's on those 'boards' where you risk losing your 'set'! One mis-step buddy and you ...Walk the Plank! All too predictable a fate when you're under the watchful eyes of ...three 'Jolly Rogers'! (Sorry Shaw people ..."Shaw" just wouldn't work in this pun ...I tried!)

My cowardly cur, Claymore, cowers under the couch while I polish my set. I know, it's just 'one small step for a man', but, one giant leap for a comic ...possibly into oblivion! I've bet my set! Am I nervous?!? ...You bet your "Skull & Crotch Bones!"

...The Kinky Kinley Knight?!?

I’ve been free and easy throwing titles at the other Comics at the, ‘Refuse to Sit Down’ table, but I haven’t found one for myself that sparks satisfaction. I toyed with one of my favourites, ‘The Knight of the Sorrowful Countenance’, but, while there are lots of windmills around ‘Toon Town, that titles taken; besides, it doesn’t quite fit my material, and it conveys a level of seriousness that I, somehow, fail to aspire to.


You could find a little ‘Norman’ flair with, “Sir Zombie of ‘Ze Comedy”, but ...perhaps a little awkward and ...definitely lacking life! Truth be told ...a little too close to it! Although, it would make for a great, ‘encore call’ ...”Bring Back The Dead!”

The, “Kinky Kinley Knight,” has a nice, quasi-alliterative quality, but ...perhaps a little too suggestive; besides, poor Kinley’s been picked on enough and ...I don’t do, ‘Humour Noir’! Also ...there’s only one ‘Master’ in this assemblage ...so ...where would that leave me!?

No ...if a title is to ring with authenticity ...and bathe it’s wearer in merited glory, it has to reflect genuine abilities and attributes. That really narrows the field of possibilities! So, ...I think that, for the time being, I’ll settle on, "Sir Limpalot" ...it has an epic ring to it ...and, makes me sound impotent!

 “Sir Limp-A-Lot”! (The comic who could ...never ...quite ...get it up!)

"I fritter away hours,

In an off-hand way,

While I really should think,

Of something funny to say!"

Sir Limp-A-Lot