"Abandon Hype All Ye Who Enter Here!"

Steppenwolf

"Eternity is a mere moment; just long enough for a joke!"

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Ask Sam Slanders!

Dear Sam;

I’m a DTM from a club in Saskatoon. Over the last couple of years I’ve become comfortable making presentations to my fellow members. Spurred on by this new confidence, I accepted an engagement outside the club. It was awful! I was nervous. I hid behind the lectern. I could barely hear my voice over my knocking knees! What went wrong?

Cowardly in Kinley

Dear Coward;

DTM? Hmmm... ‘Dud Talking Machine?’ What’s the matter son? Didn’t your Momma ever warn you not to talk to strangers? It never ceases to amaze me; the only thing people do more than talk is breathe! (And Son, don’t try giving a presentation without breathing ...it makes for a long 5 – 7 minutes) We talk to our family, friends, neighbours, co-workers, and yes, we all, eventually, have to talk to our boss. You’d think that we’d have mastered the art by now. But, you take that ‘Talkin’ Machine’, and put it in front of an audience, and you can hardly get a squeak out of it.

Most people, put in front of an audience, act like they’ve just been parachuted into the middle of a herd of wild Rhinos! They take rapid, shallow breaths. They try to find something to hide behind. They don’t move. And they try not to make contact with those nasty, little, bloodshot Rhino eyes; it might draw attention to themselves!

Under those circumstances, they’re lucky if they can get their words out, let alone make a presentation! The actual words only make up about 20% of communication; (you been to school son? You know what happens on a test where you get the easy 20%, but blow the difficult 80%?) Ordinarily, the only place an immobile, well dressed person holds the attention of an audience is ...in a funeral parlour!

Like your Momma told you Son; “Don’t ever talk to strangers!” You aren’t nervous in front of your club, because, over your two years, the members have become your friends! When you’re before a crowd, picture them as all friends in your living room; it’s easy to act in a natural manner when you’re among friends. Imagine your Momma sitting right front and centre; no matter how you do, she’ll smile and glow with pride. Put one of your favourite aunts on each side of the audience; you know the ones I’m talking about, they give the best gifts, and laugh at all of your jokes

Now you’ve got the audience stacked with friendly faces, ...move! You ever watch a cat play with a string Son? If the string just hangs there a healthy cat will move on to other things! But, if you keep that string moving in random, unpredictable ways, the cat will play for hours! If your living room was filled with your friends, you wouldn’t just stand in a corner listening to your own knees knock! No! You’d be moving around the room, smiling and talking to everyone there!

Now son, if you can manage all that, and remember to breathe, eventually you’re going to think of something to say!

Sam Slanders

Monday, January 18, 2010

I Hate Mike!



Well, I used to hate Mike, but, I find that, as I get to know him better, our relationship is improving. My experience with microphones had, up until recently, been limited to the, Lavaliere, type. I liked them before, and I still do, but, they have several limitations. First, they’re expensive, so you won’t see them at most venues. Second, they work by radio signals, and are great in a facility that has used them for a long time. However, if you take your own to an event, you won’t know where there may be ‘dead spots’ in your presentation area, and, worse still, what interference you may pick up from outside sources. Third, they clip to your tie, lapel or shirt collar and are immobile. If you turn your head to either side while addressing the audience, the distance between your lips and the ‘mike’ increases; subsequently you will experience unintended variation in your volume.


“You can be polished, poised and comfortable before an audience. You can have years and years of speaking before various groups, yet there is one situation that can make you look, (and feel), like the rankest amateur; having to speak with a microphone. No matter how comfortable and experienced you may be in front of an audience, when handed a mike, nothing about using it is intuitive.”

John Cantu

When I first stepped on a Stand-up stage, I was concerned about stage fright, hecklers and being unfunny. I felt that was enough, then, I met Mike. He wasn't Lavalier! His behaviour ...strictly Cavalier! He was standing there, front and centre stage, waiting for me! Now I had to think about it, but, I didn’t have much time. I could leave Mike as He was, but, I like to move around; leaving Him in the stand would anchor me to within three to four inches of His head! Besides, He was too high for me! I tried to adjust His height, but His adjustor was tight, and, to be frank, my palm was sweaty! Finally I tried to pull Him from His holder on the stand. Smooth move! I got His cord tangled. While I was untangling it I managed to turn off Mike's switch. Now I had Him free, but He wasn’t amplifying anything I said! Whoever said that I  wasn’t funny in front of an audience? Finally I got Him turned back on. Then, not wanting to be near His stand, I stepped away. But my foot was on His cord! I’d just managed to snatch Mike from my own hand! By this point, the audience wasn’t in 'His'terics, but I nearly was!

Someday I’ll purchase a mike and stand, just to rehearse with. In the meantime I rehearse with a flashlight. That’s important; you have to get used to holding that mike just below the tip of your chin. Any higher and you’re obscuring part of your face. Much lower and it won’t pick up your voice. And be sure to follow your chin as you swivel your head. Otherwise you’ll get variations in volume.

Now I’ll give you a few pointers I’ve picked up in dealing with a microphone and stand. I’ve managed to do all of these, but I don’t think I’ve ever managed to do them all on the same day. Always start by adjusting the stand to the proper height for yourself, even if you don’t intend to use it. Sometimes the MC will just hand you the mike; if that’s the case, take the time to retrieve the stand and set it up. Now, if you’re using the stand, you’re good to go. If, however, you want freedom of movement, carefully pluck the mike from its holder. Place the stand directly behind you so you won’t be dodging it throughout your act. Now check where the cord is, and, if necessary, flip it back behind you. Now you’re good to go.

When you finish all you have to do is reach back, move the stand into place, drop the cord through the holder, say “Goodnight”, and ease the mike back into place. If you want to look professional though, make it a three step process. A minute or two before you finish, preferably while the audience is laughing, reach back and bring the stand forward, and thread the cord through the holder. Do your next few lines with the mike in your hand. About 30 seconds before you finish, preferably while the audience is laughing, drop the mike back into the holder. This is why you adjusted the stand before you began. Now you can do your last half minute with your hands free, and no wrestling with the stand as you say “Goodnight”.

I think that, ideally, I’d like to use a headset mike like you see Brittany Spears use in her videos. You don’t need hands. It stays in the perfect place for voice reception, and there’s no cord to trip on. Until then, I’ll just grit my teeth, and make Nice with Mike.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Feast or Famine!


It’s been a quiet January. I’ve been notified that Vangeli’s will begin their 2010 season on Feb. 3rd, with the, ‘Search for Saskatoon’s Funniest New Comic’. The, ‘New’, is misleading; some of the eligible contestants have been performing for years! Only two, that I know of, have been declared ineligible; a comic from Saskatoon whose been a Pro for 20 years, and a Pro from Prince Albert whose been around for a while and has a T.V. special out. It seems a bit unfair,but, ...I can hardly wait!


In the meantime, what’s an unemployed comic to do? Go back to College or University, I suppose. So, I did just that! Toastmasters puts on a, ‘SpeechCraft’, every year for the pharmacy students at U of S. No one can graduate from the program without first passing our ‘Public Speaking’ course; that alone guarantees a certain level of enthusiasm!

I’d helped at U of S each of the past two years, so, this year, when asked to help at Kelsey College, with a similar program for ‘Veterinarian Techs’, I said, “Sure!” “But”, I stipulated, “if you want me to do a presentation, I want lots of advance notice.” So, about a month in advance, I was told that they’d like me to do a ten minute presentation on, “How to give a proper introduction.”

Of course, four days before the university course commenced, I got a call. They were short people. Could I come and help out? Of course I could, but asked that, if they wanted anything elaborate from me, I be given a little notice as to what that might be. They agreed. I, having heard nothing, showed up. It was a great bunch of students, both prepared and enthusiastic. We took a break after the first hour, and it was then that they asked me to do a ten minute presentation on the, ‘Effective Use of Space and Body Language’. Great! That gave me, in between my bouts of evaluating 3rd year students, an hour and a half to prepare.

I began, behind the lectern, by parodying a nervous speaker, for about 45 seconds. Then I ‘went off’ like a hand grenade, shouting and running around the stage. I even flung a couple chairs across stage, something I’d never done in a presentation, but, it never hurts to flesh out your repertoire! My point was that, when placed in front of an audience, we naturally tend to, ‘mute’, all our physical actions/reactions, and concentrate on the ‘words’ in our presentation. That’s fine, except for the fact that ‘words’ only convey 10% of the communication process. The other 90% is composed of your appearance, vocal variety, body language and the way you utilize the space you are given for a speaking area. Rather than muting these elements, you must amplify them, and, the larger your audience, the greater the level of amplification required. They seemed to enjoy it, but, I think the point where I switched from ‘muted’ to ‘amplified’ gave them a real coronary boost! Nobody nodded off!

My ‘gig’ at Kelsey Campus gave me a real coronary boost! I’d prepared my material for the last two weeks. I’d presented it to an audience a few days before, gauged their reaction, then went back and re-engineered it. I was happy with the result; lots of valid information and, to me just as important, lot’s of laughs! (It's the, 'Little bit of Sugar' that, 'Helps the Medicine go Down'!) I did refrain from hurling any chairs; in retrospect, that may have been my poor judgement!

I arrived at the assigned room 15 minutes early, organized my stuff and nipped into the washroom to take the pressure off. Inside I met a charming, though somewhat nervous, English chap, who informed me that he was doing a presentation on how to correctly introduce a speaker! Now, I know that, 2 is twice as nice as 1, but, to my mind, it represented a redundancy issue! I found the ToastMaster in charge; perhaps, ‘ToastMuttonHead’ would be a more appropriate appellation! It is just that type of blatant ineptitude in organization and communication that really scorches my Toast! It was about four minutes before ‘ShowTime’, and the ‘TMH’ was unaware of his double booking, but, smiled and said, “Well, let’s figure it out!” We found the other chap, and I said, “You go ahead.” The TMH thanked me, and then, found within himself, the gall to ask me to do the evaluation of the presentation? I was in hardly the mood for a kind enthusiastic appraisement, but, it wasn’t the other guy’s fault, so I said OK. I did alright; it’s a damn’d poor speaker that can’t, enthusiastically, fake an oration! It was a slice, but, I won’t be having my slice ‘scorched’ again

The rest of the day went well; I had to evaluate 6 students. That’s not hard by itself, and I really enjoyed their presentations. The difficulty is in treating all fairly and equally. You must criticise in a manner that encourages, rather than discourages. And you can’t heap praise too high on the deserving, because that contrasts too greatly with those not so much so. My last evaluation was the most fun. The young lady spent five minutes telling us how her greatest joy in life was reading books; all other diversions paled in comparison! And her favourite book of all time? ‘To Kill a Mockingbird.’ I had been managing to get a few laughs from the class during the afternoon; but, always try to exit on a high note.

“Megan,” I began, “I can’t tell you how much it means to me, to finally find, in a lady of your generation, someone who enjoys, as much as I do myself, a little time spent between the covers...”

I had expected a laugh here, but was amazed how it would not stop, but went on for three waves, each time starting to diminish, then, building again! I waited for a lull, then continued,

“...of a good book! And, it does my heart good to hear that you, like myself, have the highest regard for that most famous of all Mexican best sellers, ‘Tequila Mockingbird!’

Monday, January 4, 2010

A Rose, by Any Other Name!



Minutes of the Nominal Committee for the Rainbow Communication Club



Jan. 26th, 2010



Secretary: Pherla Foolscap

The meeting was called to order by Alma Ironfist, Chairman of the Committee, and newly elected Mayor. Alma first thanked all 19 in attendance for showing up on this momentous occasion. She acknowledged that, it was difficult getting 20 members seeing that the population of Rainbow is only 42. She was pleased to report that currently there were 19 committed, with Anne Intrusion still undecided.


However, Alma pointed out, with only one member to be confirmed, our new club was almost ready to Charter, and that it was now imperative that a club name be chosen. First, though, she asked that James B. Mackay, DTM, who first suggested the forming of a club to Town Council, might say a few words.


James took the lectern, and, in his usual shambling manner, began by stating that, in the bible, it was given to man to name things. He went on to say that while self improvement, in a Hamlet, might seem, at first, inconceivable, it was the duty of the club to make that objective, not just believable, but, achievable. The name should reflect just that. At the same time the name must convey a certain dignity. He explained that he’d been involved in the founding of a club in Orillia, Ontario, the home of Stephen Leacock, and referred to, in his books, as ‘Mariposa’, or, the ‘Sunshine City.’


The new members, he continued, had wished to commemorate that literary notoriety in their new clubs name. Several combinations of ‘Mariposa’, and ‘Sunshine City’ had been submitted for consideration, and in the end, the committee had forwarded, ‘Sunshine City Speakers’, for final approval. James claimed that he’d only headed off that approval by asking each member of the Naming Committee, to imagine themselves being introduced as, “James Mackay from Sunshine City Speakers.” Now, he said, say that aloud, three times, quickly! The committee did, and the new name was quickly changed to, ‘Sunshine Speakers’. James concluded by suggesting ‘Rainbow Rhetoricians’ as our new club name.


Alma thanked James and asked for further proposals. First up was Midas Pyrites, (our local junk man, he claims to turn garbage into gold.) First he berated James on taking 18 months to form a club. “DTM?” he snorted derisively, ‘Dammed Talkin’ Machine’, might better be termed, “ATNA”, or, ‘All Talk, No Action”. He then explained that, if improvement in communication was our end goal, and our founding members mainly talked trash, then his suggestion for the club name was, “The Rubbish Raconteurs”. Over the booing, Alma thanked Midas, referring to him as our ‘Dean of Detritus’, and opened the floor to our next speaker, Angel Van Dykstra.


Angel, (We call her ‘Angel Cake’) is our local electrician, causing lots of sparks to fly locally, and founder of our, ‘Society of Sisters Who Choose Sensible Shoes’. Angel Cake is a tireless town promoter, as you can see for yourself by the Rainbow embroidered across the hip pocket of her taut jeans. She first suggested that, in order for the ladies to have opportunity to express themselves, that the club might be co-ed only on alternating meetings. As  titles she suggested either, “Sisterly Soliloquists”, or, and here she smiled dreamily,"The Cunning Linguists". Alma thanked Angel, but reminded her that the club by-laws had been established, and, consequently, all meetings would remain co-ed. Next she gave the floor to Don Somniac.


“Dipsy”, as we call him is our town bacchanalian. He began by calling for a toast, and then, two more quick ones. Dipsy then explained that he had not joined to overcome slurred speech, but rather, to master it! Because of that he’d abandoned his first suggestion of, ‘Tell Tale Tipplers’, and, because he liked the idea of somewhere he could have a few ‘toasts’ and keep it quiet, he now favoured, “Advocates Anonymous”, but, if this put too sombre a tone to the title, or added too many ‘steps to success’, he would be more than satisfied with, “Rainbow Roisterers”. Alma thanked him, referring to him as our, ‘Blurred Visionary’, and welcomed our next speaker, Phineus Phoghorn.


Phineus, (or, ‘Toots’, as we know him, our, ‘Mothballed Minister’, and a charming man, with more than a whiff of brimstone about him, has been without work since we sold the church. His last sermon still brings a tear to my eye, “How can the Shepherd keep his flock in the fold, ...after the fold’s been sold?”), began by enthusing about how eagerly he anticipated his, once again, being able to hear his own voice in public. His contribution to the naming process was, ‘Clerical Keynoters’. Alma thanked him, referring to him as our, ‘Peerless Pastor’, (with, it seemed, emphasis on the ‘Past’), and introduced our next speaker, Carlotta Budz.


‘Lotta’, as we call her, is our entrepreneur, founder of the ‘Rainbow Horticultural Society, (at the corner of Main, and well out of sight!), and co-chair for the ‘Joint Action Committee for the Greening of our Community’. ‘Lotta said that she thought a communications club in Rainbow is a fine idea, her only concern is that, the last time the whole town got talking, she did three months! It cost her lock, stalks, and a barrel full of buds! The consequent set back in her ‘Delphinium’ quality cost her in the neighbourhood of $500 per pound. Pot ash, even when she produced as much as she could, every day, didn’t help! Still, she favoured the idea of the club, but would prefer it be called, “On the QT Toastmasters”. Alma thanked her, referring to ‘Lotta as ‘Rainbow’s sole source of growth’, as our entrepreneur nipped out to the smoking area. Next up was Harley Panhead.


Now Harley is our 1%’er, although, with a population of 42, it’s actually closer to 2.3%. A man more of action than words, Harley said he’d be brief. He went on to say that he’d joined to improve his communication skills for business reasons. “If you can’t pistol whip ‘em, join ‘em!,”, Harley said, “but, if you join ‘em, you’re eventually gonna’ have to talk to them.” While he respected all the suggested titles he’d heard so far, personally he’d prefer something that didn’t smack of timidity; something which would show our true colours! Perhaps, ‘Hell’s Advocates’, or even, ‘Satan’s Voice’. Alma thanked him, referring to him fondly as a real, ‘Civic Leader of the Pack’. She then asked if there were any further contributions. A hand went up. It was Anne Intrusion.


Anne, (one of our perpetually impecunious), alleged that she’d she was thinking of joining, because her lack of communication skills had held her a thrall to joblessness for over thirty years. Thirty years without a paycheque meant that the do’s and don’ts of dues were a done deal for her. However, if she could just get a handout over this hurdle, it would be a dunning deal! Besides, she added, whatever became of the concept of, ‘Free Speech’, in our community? If she could somehow join, she’d like to see the club called, “On the Cuff Conversationalists”. Alma thanked Anne, referring to her as our necessitous neighbour, when who should walk in, leaning on his hand carved ‘snake’ walking stick, but Sam Slanders.


Sam, (originally from Nottawasaga Township, Ontario. ‘Nottawasga’, is an old Huron Indian term meaning, ‘Mouth of the Snake’, and we call him, “Snake Mouth”), shuffled to the lectern and Alma graciously moved to one side for him. We hadn’t seen much of Sam for the last six months; he’d been bedridden, trying to recover from a bad case of ‘irony fatigue’. Sam is the editor of the, ‘Rainbow Review’, (now reduced, thanks to lack of funding/news, to a Post-it note!), and main contributing writer for our, ‘Advice to the Lovelorn’ column, “Ask Sam Slanders”. Sam cleared his throat and admitted that he’d no intention of joining a Toastmasters club. “Especially,” he insisted, his fist slamming the lectern, “not if they’re willing to have me!”


This hamlet has done just fine; he went on, for the last 40 years, without anyone talking to anyone else! And I can’t see that changing for the next 40! What this town needs is a good laugh! We laugh at the outside world. We laugh at our neighbours! But we never laugh at ourselves. We should call it the ‘Philogelos’ club, that’s Greek, means ‘Lovers of Laughter’! But the quality of a ‘Lover’ is diminished if he cannot love himself; likewise, the quality of a ‘Laugher’, is infecund if they can’t first laugh at themselves! This hamlet just can’t take a joke!


It was at this point that August Wade, (Our town ne’re do well, we call him, ‘Hip’, because of his knack for wading through Council ‘Bureaucratic Semantics’, (and, around here, it can be deep!), without any ever sticking to him), interceded, shouting, “Maybe Sam it’s time you learned to keep your tongue in check, rather than in cheek!” Mr. Slanders looked like he was going to have a fit! Alma tried to wrestle him away from the lectern. James Mackay jumped on stage and tried to quell what was rapidly becoming a riotous assembly! “Time”, he shouted, “to put it to a vote! All in favour of, ‘Rainbow Rhetoricians’, raise your hands!”


It was all for naught. Just then the Town Hall doors burst open, and in charged a red faced, Hector Bombast, (our former mayor). “Someone”, he shouted, “defaced the town sign!” Went over all the letters with a gold spray bomb, and painted a pot of gold beneath the ‘w’ in ‘Rainbow’. James was still on stage, looking bewildered! “I’ve heard of, ‘Silver Tongued Devils’,” he said, “but, Gold?” Hmmmm.... perhaps, “Rainbow Rhetoricians D’OR”?” he mused in disbelief.


A general uproar ensued. A vote never was held. Perhaps we, in Rainbow, should have unfurled a Fool’s Cap for our speakers. As secretary it is my responsibility to roll up the proceedings.


But, that’s the story of Rainbow. There was no pot of gold in the beginning. There will be no pot of gold in the end. And all that glittered in between? Mere Ironic Pyrites! As W.O. Mitchell said first, and best, “Roses are difficult here!”