Foolish Resolution!

A slow week in Saskatoon comedy wise; the Master tried to generate enthusiasm For a ‘clean’ comedy show on Boxing day, but, everybody is too caught up in the Holidays to respond on such short notice. So, there will be two venues available to me this coming week: Beily’s on Monday, and, the Fez on Tuesday. Beily’s has been pulling a small crowd every night, (it would be a ‘big crowd’ in a smaller room.), and I have no way of predicting how attendance will be at he Fez.


I began this venture by saying that I would do stand-up one hundred times, and I have apx. fifty appearances to go. I have no doubt in my mind that I’ll be able to get them in between now and June, still ...I find myself champing at the bit. However, “Be it resolved that this Fool will do fifty more appearances A.Q.A.P!

It will be interesting to see how the Fez pulls through; the facility is acceptable, but you really need people in the audience to make things work, and I don’t know if they can draw the people. For the sake of Myles, and, of course ....myself, I hope that it works.

On the possibility that the Fez does not work out, I do have a back-up plan, one that might get me a little more stage time. I have been talking to the management of a bar, and they are willing to have a comedy night under the auspices of yours’ truly. It has a far better set up than the Fez, and isn’t as cavernous as Beily’s.

But, I must bide my time, as it is right across the street from Myles’ new room at the Fez. I don’t want to be in competition with other comedians for crowds at this time; I’d far rather see Myles do well than two have both ventures wallow into irrelevance! Just as important as the crowds, are the comics, ...we don’t really have enough in Saskatoon to form two separate markets; theirs barely enough talent to see one venue stay fresh and interesting. I don’t include Beily’s in my calculations as it is at a different area of town, and draws a different audience.

We have 250,000 people living in Saskatoon, you’d really think that we could keep two places going on a weekly basis. I don’t count the Parktown, as it is primarily pros, and they go to a different town every week, ...they also have a dedicated following that comes back week after week.

The worst that can happen is that I end up with two venues per week, and, realistically, that’s a big improvement over last year. The best? Well, I could end up hosting my own room! That, although bringing a host of new problems, would be great. Ah well, ...a Fool can dream!

A Fool Un-Fezed!

Tuesday evening I decided to check out, and do a Christmas set, at Saskatoon’s newest comedy room, ‘The Fez’. The room itself was started by friend and comic, Myles Morrison, and had only been active for three nights. I arrived at the address at 8:50 and descended a long, narrow flight of stairs into a gloomy basement. Immediately I spied three figures chatting with each other; two looked like members of the band, ‘Spinal Tap’, and the other, less ‘exotic’, turned out to be the bartender. The rest of the room was vacant.


The room itself was interesting in a very ‘Hard Rock’ sort of way; the high ceiling was a maze of water pipes and furnace ducts. The highlight of the room was a huge stage, set up and accoutered for enthusiastic rock bands. The room itself was large, and split into three sections, of which the middle section addressed the stage, and was separated from it by only the dance floor. In retrospect I can only presume that the light and sound systems were state of the art.

Within moments I was joined by Myles; I’d been anxious to find out how he’d made out in Los Angeles. Myles told me that the scene there was interesting, and so awash with hopeful comics that a person might have to apply 3 – 4 weeks in advance for a five minute set at one of the many open mikes! The talent, as it were, formed an interesting spread, from very poor to very good, with little or nothing in between! The reason for this, according to Myles, was that it was composed almost entirely from comics with less than one years experience, or people with five or more years. What happened to all those years in between? Many had given up in disgust, but the rest were elsewhere looking for venues where they could get more stage time! L.A. is awash with comic ambition!

Myles, with the help of contacts, was able to get on a couple of good shows, at least one of which was televised. Even then the competition is so keen, that, for each comic willing to work for money, there are twenty who’ll do it for free. It’s just such similar odds that keep hookers looking for paying customers!

By this time we’d been joined by, “Junior”, the rising star in our Saskatoon comic community, who just recently took second place in Beily’s comedy contest, and a young fellow from Vancouver who’s been doing stand-up for about a year. Myles regaled us with stories of vicious heckling in some of Saskatchewan’s rougher bars. The best was of when he and the Master had been in a place so far out in the boonies that civilization was held, locally, to be a myth, wishful thinking, or an outright lie!

On the evening in question the Master had been doing a little cross-cultural provocation when one of the members of the audience took verbal offense! The heckler stood up, and turned out to be a red headed individual of the extra-largish variety, with a thick Scottish, (...and we both know how they can be!), accent! Somehow the offended member was soothed and re-seated. In no time, however, our hapless Master had managed to insinuate an offending barb beneath the Caledonian’s plaid ass! My Haggis breathed brethren aren’t renowned for their linguistic diplomacy, and this one, having tried once and failed, quickly reverted to the more physical variety! He charged the stage!

Myles said that he’d been concerned for the Master’s well being, but the Master slowed the barbarian’s charge with a well placed boot in the throat! This might have ended the encounter, except that those of Highland heritage often eschew such gentle chiding; in seconds the red giant was off the floor, and had the Master down on the stage trying to gauge his eyes out with his thumbs! By that time the cavalry, (in the form of Myles and the Hotel bouncers), arrived, and with a forceful appeal to reason, removed the enraged patron from their patronage! The Master dusted himself off, and, with a smile to the audience, explained that it was difficult to be funny immediately after being violent; the show went on.

By this time two more comics had shown up from Vancouver, so, we had a full house ...of comics, but ...no audience! The Hard Rock, Spinal Tappers were the only two besides ourselves, and comedy might never penetrate skulls thickened by so many years of head bangin’. So the show was called off, and we comics slunk away to our various destinations.

No Fool Like a Snow Fool!

Took a little 1800 mile jaunt to Toronto, Ontario, last weekend, or, as the locals in Saskatchewan refer to it, ‘the center of the universe’, and they don’t mean that in an admiring way! Thirty miles of driving each way just don’t leave much time for an extended social call. The roads through Northern Ontario can be difficult this time of year, and, while we were there, areas surrounding Toronto got six feet of snow! That has the look of the winters I knew as a kid, and haven’t seen in years! It’s enough to frost your pumpkins.

We took my van and saved on hotel bills by sleeping in it and preparing most of our meals. Not as bad as it sounds; my van has a king size bed, a kitchen, furnace and washroom facilities! No snow tires though, and that would be something I’d think of for next time. We had to stop four hours early one day on the way there; it was four-thirty in the afternoon and we got hit by freezing rain. When we saw more vehicles in the ditch than on the highway than on the road we knew it was time to camp for the evening!

Our first roadside sleepover the temperature hit -30 C, with a wind chill of -37. Inside our RoadTrek we were comfortable, even to the point of turning off the furnace when we crawled under our pile of comforters. My Bride and Damn’d Dimwit Terror travelled ‘Doggie Style’, by which I mean, I’d start driving about 7:00 am, and they’d stay in bed ‘til about noon.

Ontario was much like it was two years ago when I was last there, except they had more snow and less employment. I had intended to break away from friends and family evenings and hit a few comedy clubs, but, that turned out to be easier said than done. So, now I’m back home, it’s time to get my nose back to the comedy grindstone!

Scot on the Saskatoon Rocks!

Billy Connolly is a big name in international comedy, and, on Thursday, Nov. 18th he performed at TCU place in Saskatoon; I attended. I’d seen more of his movies than I had of his comedy so i arrived at the venue in a state of high anticipation. It was good.

The first thing I liked was that the show was scheduled to start at 8:00 pm, and was begun within five minutes of that mark. One of my fiercest pet peeves is being seated for an event on time and having to then wait an hour or more for the show to start.

Mr. Connolly started out slow, as is appropriate for an entertainer 63 years of age. Also he had the luxury of lots of time to work with; I’d went expecting perhaps 90 minutes of entertainment, and he provided two and a half hours, (that’s without a break). It wasn’t just myself noticing the laid back pace of his opening, my Bride noticed the same thing, and mentioned later that early on she’d wondered whether she could sit through the entire show!

Connolly is more of a ‘personality’ comedian, and it takes a few moments to get the audience comfortably familiar with that unique personality; once established, it was off to the races. Bill Cosby had a similar style; personality infused story telling where the narration could wander for formidable lengths of time unimpeded by regular punch lines. Once the hook was set the show started moving in a brisker manner, and I enjoyed it, with no damage more serious than a stretched slightly beyond maximum capacity bladder. My Bride was swept up as well.

There were a few things I found distracting. First amongst these was what Connolly calls his, “Fuck-fuck-fuckety-fuck”; I’m never offended by swearing, and admit that in shows by Canadian, and especially Saskatoon comics, the four letter flow can be astonishing. However, I don’t pay $60 to sit for 2.5 hours and be either offended or un-offended by words that can be detected in every work-site, office or schoolyard. It is, to me, a waste of breath, and never to be confused with talent; on the other hand it does sit comfortably with his persona.

Next on the list of, ‘why bother’, was what seemed to me a repetitive ‘stretching out’ of jokes, all the while accompanied by irritating reminders to the audience that they were indeed being led down the garden path. ‘Humour Helper’ is palatable to some, but I like steak, and, had the stretching and the ‘fucking’ been eliminated what would have been left would be a little short of a two hour show.

Last item on my ‘bitch’ list were the many times the comedian bent double in apparent laughter at his own stories; I don’t care for it ...unless it’s genuine. The only time, to my eyes, that it could be genuine would be in spontaneous exchanges with the audience, and I saw none of those. When you can put on a seamless 2.5 hour show the odds are that, in all likely-hood, you’ve heard your own material before. In most cases, heard it so often that you couldn’t possibly find anything funny in it. Canned laughter sucks even if it was canned by the artist himself.

All told, a very generous slice of entertainment. My Bride and I left feeling that we’d got more out of the show than the $60 we’d each invested, and both of us like Billy Connolly more after the show than prior to it.

Smokin' Fool!

No comedy this week, there just weren’t nuthin’ worth laughin’ at! My only opportunity was on Monday night, but I came down with a nasty little flu on the weekend, and, while a man on stage with fever and chills might be hilarious, especially if he’s caught up in a relentless nicotine craving, the humour would only be apparent to the observer. Yeah, that’s the other thing, I quit smoking on Monday; between being sick, and having no sickerettes, I had a few interesting days.


Yesterday I was beginning to come around, so I went to Toastmasters, where I was Chairman for the evening. There is little similarity between Toastmasters and stand-up, but the latter could benefit from the ‘organizational skills’ of the former, and the former could benefit from the ‘humour skills’ of the latter. And me? Last night I sure could have benefited from a smoke, but, I persevered, though I felt that I’d perish!

The job of Chairman is fairly straight forward; most of the work is done in advance and consists of slotting a whole bunch of varied activities and people into a tight two hour agenda, (and we do like a tight agenda!) Last night I had to chair a business meeting, and then introduce impromptu speakers and three people who were doing prepared presentations. It went fairly well, although early in the evening, while standing at the front, I could feel sweat trickle down my back; I’m not sure whether this was caused by the presence of flu, or the absence of nicotine!

All told a good evening, although it was sort of an extended nicky fit, especially afterward on the drive home. Today I feel almost myself again, it’s just ...I sure could use a cigarette!

Two Faced Fool!

I don’t know very much about Comedy Clubs, having performed in them only three times so far, but, at the same time, I have noticed a couple differences between them and the standard set-up for a bar act. The main difference is that Comedy clubs are easy, especially if you are a moderately funny person. When you go to a Comedy Club, the comedians perform just the way they do on television.


Main differences:

• In a Comedy Cub the set-up is as close to perfect as can be. The audience is seated fairly tightly grouped around the stage; this is guaranteed either by selling reserved seats only, or by starting out with less seats than are expected to be needed, and only adding to them sparingly as the need arises.

• The sound and lighting are appropriate to the setting.

• The ceilings are low to keep the sound of laughter from vanishing into the stratosphere.

• There are minimal distractions on the walls around the stage and seating area, and, just as important, the bar is situated at the rear of the room with the lighting muted, and no seats around the bar.

• Finally, and most important, all the members of the audience not only came to see a comedy show, but, paid for the privilege, and have no wish to be deprived of it.

In a bar the atmosphere is completely different:

• Seating is completely haphazard; those patrons interested in seeing the show seat themselves as they please, and generally avoid the area immediately in front of the stage. Regulars who may or may not be interested in the show will be situated as they please throughout the room.

• Sound and lighting range anywhere between atrocious, and a little bit better than atrocious.

• Ceilings are high, and doorways and open spaces are random, allowing the sound of laughter that may be generated during the performance to disperse without becoming viral and infecting other audience members.

• Distractions abound; everything from windows, televisions, high traffic entering and exiting the kitchen, as well as the fact that the bar and serving area are the focus of the room.

• God only know why the patrons of that particular local are there on that particular evening!

That is, I believe, the list of differences that necessitate a fool being two faced; he must behave one way in a comedy club, and often, quite differently in a bar setting. I’m realizing that I have been developing my act with, (unknowingly), a Comedy Club in mind. That is fine, in itself, but the fact is that there is a scarcity of Comedy Clubs in this, and most other areas. Bar acts predominate here, and, I suppose, a comedian must prepare accordingly.

For example, let me just look briefly at what happened at Ally Katz the other night; it is a perfect example of a bar that holds a comedy night. The comedy of errors began with tickets being issued for the wrong night. It was billed as a, ‘Comedy Costume Ball’, and this complicates matters as you never know whether the people buying the tickets are looking for a costume ball or a comedy show; I find it a weird combination. The show itself was not opened and brought into line by an experienced MC; the result was the first two acts couldn’t control the crowd, and quickly left the tracks and went tumbling through the weeds!

Now about half the people there that night were regular patrons, and most of those were highly, ‘over-served’. They weren’t interested in a comedy show at all. Now, I suppose that many were of the opinion that the ‘Master’ was way over the line in shutting up a persistent heckler, and, to be honest, I feel the same way. But, it had to be done. The ‘lady’ in question, to my eye, was not expressing a distaste for the entertainment, she was just trying to throw a monkey wrench into the whole evening. I say this because I have seen angry hecklers before, and they speak directly to the comedian, and make impassioned eye contact. The three times I watched the ‘hag’ interrupt the act, she did neither, she looked away from the stage and comic, speaking in a loud voice, but seemingly not interested in having the sentiments expressed associated with herself.

So, was the ‘Master’ too harsh? No! He did what needed to be done; at the very worst he may have skipped a step or two in the escalation of the incident. However, had he not acted quickly and emphatically, the show would have been ruined, not just for the performers, but also for the people that actually paid to attend it. Those are the two faces of a fool; one to please an audience, and one to command it. Whether we like it or not, the latter may be necessary before the former can be brought into play ...especially in a bar act.

Halloween & the Moon Howled!

A lovely Halloween night it was as I left Kinley in the dark and headed to the bright lights of Saskatoon, and the costume ball at Ally Katz. Arriving I saw several ghoulish looking hookers setting off the front door, and a pair of Zombies who had seen better days, though ...not recently! I was ready with my costume; I hadn’t dressed up in years. Well, ‘dressed up’, might be an overstatement; in costumes, as in humour, brevity is everything. That afternoon I dug up an old, battered piece of 2 X 4 lumber, 8’ 8 & 5/8” tall; with that on my arm I went as a couple of old studs!

Inside the attendance was sparse, but there seemed a lot of tension in the room. Perhaps a dozen people were dressed up, and another dozen celebrants were tanked up; the former were there for a costume party, the latter had apparently just shown up earlier in the day, and had as yet to run out of cash, although they’d abandoned sobriety some time before. It was 9 pm, the scheduled show start, and, looking around I spied the ‘Laff Trax’ promotional manager sitting looking forlorn at a table by the stage, (he wasn’t dressed up!)

When I greeted him he was quick to enquire as to whether I heard from, or, better still, seen the Master that day. It seems the Master had not been responding to his home phone, cell, or text messages; “It’s 9 pm,” said our jumpy manager, “the show’s supposed to be starting, he should be here now, or at least have the stage set up.” “Relax”, smiled I, “I was here two weeks ago, and he didn’t show up till almost 9:30 pm, and it was a great show!” He didn’t seem comfortable with my assurances, and explained that the Master was leaving for Europe at 5:00 am Monday morning, and he wanted to catch him this evening to iron out some neglected financial wrinkles.

Just then the waitress came over saying, “You assholes!”, (trust me, gentle readers, I don’t believe that she included me in her salutations), “The tickets you printed for the show gave the date of the Costume Party as the 30th, I was here last night and we had to keep turning costumed patrons away! Some of them are back again this evening, pissed off, hung over, and drunk again!” I was dismayed at how a comedy night at a bar can so quickly devolve; last time I was here I’d been greeted by a host of smiling angels, but tonight it was a small mob of irascible, roistering rabble! Well, they do say that variety is the spice of life!

At last the comics began to wander in; first was, ‘Junior’, the second place winner of last weeks’ Comedy Contest, immediately followed by Myles Morrison. Myles had arrived back in Saskatoon at 5:00 am Sunday morning, after a marathon drive from Los Angeles, California, and was to depart with the Master to Europe Monday morning; he appeared a little dishevelled! Then, the master arrived in a, ‘Top Gun’ outfit he’d received when serving Canada’s armed services twenty years back. It took only a couple of minutes to prepare the stage, then, ...off to the riots.

“Junior” said that he had to leave immediately, the Master considered this and told him that he might as well do a couple minute set; he’d put him on immediately! With no further ado, and no warm up, the Master introduced him. I’d say that the room began to fall apart immediately, but that would be inaccurate, as it had never begun to come together! The conversation didn’t skip a beat, and the table of four drunken men began to heckle him right away. A trooper, ‘junior’ continued through almost ten minutes of material. The Master went outside to talk on his cell phone just as ‘Junior’ abandoned the stage and fled the room. There we sat in a raucous room, with no one on stage. Myles, (who’s always willing to go the extra mile), turned to me and said, “OK, how be I go up and introduce you?” And that was the way it began.

Hold the audience? No! I’d never had a grip on them in the first place! But, the show, as such, must go on. I did my routine while people talked around, over and in spite of me. At best I can say that I didn’t get heckled by the four drunks; perhaps I didn’t warrant their bleary attention. Blithely on I sailed, until, with just about a minute left in my set, a boozy old hag at the back yelled, “Shut up, and get off the stage!” So near the finish line I decided to just continue and ignored her! Finally, I turned the mike over to the Master.

As I gathered my stuff the Master began; he’d hardly started when again the hag shouted, “Shut up, and get off the stage!” The Master cocked an eye in her direction, and, politely, explained that, while there was indeed a stage, he was not on it. Again the hag let her wit take a waltz around her anonymity, “Shut up, and get off the stage!” Patience, so hard to win in this world, is all too easily lost, and this is the point where the Master lost his; “You stupid C--t, if you open your mouth again I’ll come down there and shove my C—k down your throat!”

Having done my bit, and finding the ambience not quite to my taste, I bid Myles good luck and began to make myself scarce! As I passed the table of the four unruly drunks, one of them extended his hand towards me, and mumbled something. I shook his hand, and asked him to repeat himself. It sounded like he said, “You were pretty good ....we’re just here to raise shit!” I thanked him for his kind words, and hit the street! “Too crazy for me!” I thought to myself, but then, I pondered it for a moment; maybe I’m just too modest ...perhaps it’s just ...almost too crazy for me!

Small Frog in a Vanishing Pond!

That’s the problem with being a small frog in a small pond, there are only so many venues to appear in, and only so many comedy fans; eventually you’ve seen ‘em all. Or worse, the pond dries up/vanishes! That was the case last year; I didn’t do any performances at all until I was laid off work for the year, and then ...there was no place putting on comedy shows for all of November. This year I took off two months because I was too busy, but then started doing one show a week just to start getting warmed up for what I thought would be a busy season.

Well, I’m warmed up, and now, instead of having three show per week, the pond has vanished! The Master, Tommy Savitt, Miles Morrison and York Underwood are leaving for a tour of NATO bases in Europe, so there will be no shows for a couple of weeks after the Halloween Monster Comic show tonight at Ally Katz. So, comedy for November in Saskatchewan may be a write off until December when it will boom again. The pond has vanished and this fool is left ‘circling the drain!’

I’m not entirely without possibilities; on November nineteen I’m heading to Ontario for three weeks. When I get to Toronto I have a list of about sixty places where I should be able to perform; nice, a different venue every day of the week. Better yet, brand new audiences every night, and, just as important, new comics. That’s the attraction of a major Urban Center, lot’s of opportunity; at the same time, a lot more talent chasing those opportunities.

It’ll be fun, with lot’s of time to see friends and family as well.

Centurion!

My daughter Allison, now in her first semester at University, received her very first paper back at the first of this week. I know how important it was to her, and how much time and effort she put into it; I know how she sweated for two weeks in anticipation of getting it, and her mark back. Her mark was 77%. It almost broke my heart! Not her mark, but her response to that mark! It was as if she’d let not just herself, but the entire world down! Over what? An almost ‘A’! I could see her remorse if it was an, ‘almost passed’.


I remember an initiation ritual when I was in university, it was called, “The Centurion”. A ‘Centurion’, in the Roman Legions, was, literally, “Commander of one hundred”. In University it meant gathering a bunch of first year boys together in a small room, and letting them drink beer out of a shot glass; one and a half ounces of beer, every minute, for one hundred minutes! (Yours’ facetiously never partook ...didn’t much fancy beer!) I suppose the theory was, that if you could command 100 shots of beer, you’d be, (to distort Rudyard Kipling), “a man my son!” I don’t know that it ever proved masculinity, but, I do know that by the time those being initiated hit the eighties or nineties, the dorm was permeated throughout, by the off-putting putridity of puke.

When I began my experiment of being a comic, I decided to give it a fair shake; I decided that I’d do it one hundred times before even considering giving the experiment a ‘thumbs up’ or ‘thumbs down’. A single, first paper does not make or break an academic career. A single, first shot of beer does not make a dipsomaniac, (nor even give a buzz!). Nor does a single first ‘set’, done well or poorly, a comic make!

Over the course of the past year I’ve seen many people screw up the courage to take a turn treading the comedy boards; very few returned for a second venture and almost none for a fourth or fifth. Ok, there were a couple that maybe didn’t, for one reason or another, merit that first attempt, but most showed talent and humour! What did they lack? For the most part they lacked confidence, experience and, most important, tenacity! I don’t know where a person finds tenacity, but I know that you don’t find confidence and experience in just one attempt ...at anything. The only thing worse, in my eyes, than not trying a second time, would to have never tried at all!

Be honest now; what have you ever done that you excelled at the first time you did it? For myself, I’d have to answer, “Nothing!” Not even something as central and elemental to our shared humanity as sex; my first time I was awful! (ed. note: Here I mean, “sex with another person,” I was always pretty good single handed!) My Bride might say I was no great hell the last time, but, even so, in my mind, much better than the first time ...good thing I kept at it!

Right now I’m just short of 50 comic performances, and, yes, at the end of many ‘sets’, I still detect a whiff of that ‘off-putting putridity’ I recall from my dormitory days, but I am better now than I was at the beginning. The idea of one hundred performances I cannot take credit for; I got the idea from John Cantu of the Holy Zoo. Cantu said, ‘It’s impossible to judge yourself after a single attempt; do one hundred sets. For the first twenty, don’t even worry about getting a laugh! From the twentieth to the fiftieth, try for a couple laughs each time out. Don’t worry about anything till you’ve done it one hundred times. You still won’t be a great comedian, but you will have enough experience to judge how you are doing, what you want to do next, and how to get there. After your first ‘set’, you don’t have the experience to qualify you to judge anything done by yourself, nor what your comic potential might or might not be!’

My daughter may one day be a PhD, and write a paper that wins her a Nobel Prize, and the significance of that 77% first paper will be nil; you just never know. But, one thing I do know; if she doesn’t sit down and write the second, the third and the fourth she’ll never get that PhD; she’s off to a good start.

Tomorrow night is a Halloween, “Jesters’ Ball”, at AllyKatz in Saskatoon; it will be, I think, my forty-seventh appearance. If I don’t go it will be the finish of me! So, “Hold my nose and off I goes!”

The Master Speaks!

Just stumbled accross an artical by the fellow I refer to as, "The Master", and in it he talks about the importance of Comedy Contests. I've said similar myself in these pages, but, of course, the Master says it best! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Dez Reed!

In Defense of Comedy Competitions

by Dez Reed on Thursday, October 28, 2010 at 8:28pm
Comedy contests are very unpopular amongst comedians but they are on the rise and comedians keep signing up for them.
Why this paradox?
Because despite their disdain for comedy competitions, comedians desire to be the best and competitions offer bragging rights to the winner. Also, competitors can always chalk up not winning to any number of factors from judge's bias and audience stacking to flat out corruption. This blame game goes on all the time so that comedian's can save face.
Another draw for comedians is the lucrative payout that some of these competitions offer the finalists. Comedians can walk away with thousands of dollars for the more established competitions.
So the reasons for comedians to compete are compelling enough, victory means money and a nice resume addition and losing can be explained away, but why do promoters put on comedy competitions?
Well, very simply, they can make a lot of money. In the case of The San Francisco Comedy Competition, the promoter runs the competition for a month with seven shows a week with good comedians. He sells the shows and doesn't have to pay travel costs, accommodations, meals, or performer's fees.
In many cases, the purse is paid by sponsors, so the promoter literally makes every dollar that comes in from the venues.
So comedians are enticed, promoters are lining their pockets, so why do audiences come?
In many cases they are treated to better shows than they would see at a regular comedy night. The reason for this is simple, multiple comedians add variety and these comedians are usually doing their very best ten minute set. Also, audiences enjoy the drama and being involved somewhat in the final outcome.
So are comedy competitions a good thing?
Let's take the competition I just promoted, Dez Reed's Great Western Comedy Competition.
It ran for 8 weeks with the final being a huge sell out.
During the competition my room, Beilys, had such well established headliners as well as openers and rank amateurs performing. The amateurs brought new people to the room for support and the headliners drew comedy fans.
In the end there were ten competitors. Three of which expected to win, place or show, the others could hope and some could only dream of winning against the seasoned headliners. And after the final votes were counted, one of the headliners, Kelly Taylor was the winner with newcomer and local favourite Junior Koszmun the runner up.
The final result left two comedians very happy, a promoter happy, venue owners happy, sponsors happy, audiences happy and only a few comedians unhappy.
So at the end of the day, for almost everyone involved comedy competitions are a good thing.

Complete Casket Case!

For a change of pace from comedy, I attended Toastmasters last night. My duties were few; I’d been assigned to merely tell a joke at the very end of the meeting, just before the gavel comes down. Better yet, it doesn’t have to be original; I could tell anything I chose. Interesting, and it will soon be Halloween; as a matter of fact, that was the theme of the evening, Halloween Hijinks!

A small but mighty roster last night; we had but two speakers on the agenda. The first, a PhD candidate, gave us a scary overview of Canada’s ‘Tar Sands’ projects in Alberta. The second, this time an actual PhD, gave us a frightening overview of Saskatoon’s ridiculously high real estate prices.

For dramatic effect, I decided to feign a memory lapse, and, as the meeting drew to a close, I began gathering up my stuff, and, while remaining seated, put on my jacket. To all appearances, I was a member in a hurry to leave. As the Chairman began the introduction of the Joke Master, I slipped from my seat and headed for the door. Half way there my name was announced, and I turned abruptly with my best, ‘deer in the headlights’, facial expression! Setting my binder aside, I slowly made my way to the front of the room where I was welcomed by the Chairman with a warm handshake. All this to laughter, (some sympathetic), from an audience who presumed they had caught a speaker with his pants down!

“A joke about Halloween”, I began, “might not be appropriate, as humour is not the celebrations’ prime theme.” A scary story might be more in order, but ...it’s so overdone! So, instead, I’ll share with you an anecdote from my Hamlet of Kinley. The anecdote was shared with me by the person it happened to, a fellow I refer to as the, ‘Wa-Wa Wild Man’. It happened last Halloween, just after the ‘Wildman’ was leaving a séance, just around midnight. At least, I presume it was a séance, as I’m told that a wide variety of spirits were quickly raised, and, just as quickly dispensed with.


As the ‘Wildman’ was leaving the séance, he heard, coming from the town’s Pioneer Graveyard, a faint noise that sounded like, “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!” It was dark, and our protagonist could see nothing. Increasing his pace slightly, the ‘Wildman’ continued his way home, when he heard it again, louder, and drawing nearer, “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!” “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!”


As he turned to look behind him, the clouds cleared from the full moon; there, framed in the entrance of the graveyard, its’ profile highlighted by the moonlight, stood a casket! As he watched in horror, casket hopped towards him with a “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!” The sound began as the casket launched itself in it’s hop! When it left the ground, its’ doors flew open with a clatter, then, as it touched down, came a thump, and immediately the doors crashed closed, clackety-clack!


In terror our brave ‘Wildman’ turned and fled, but, behind him the, “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!” sped up in pursuit, and, it sounded like the casket was gaining! Desperately he rushed up the walk to an abandoned house, the “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!” right on his heels!


Through an entrance, where a door had once stood, he raced, into an empty room, with only one doorway on its’ far wall. Behind him came the “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!”, “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!”, as the casket hopped up the stairs, and entered behind him! He raced across the room, and flung open the one door, slamming it after he entered. The only thing in the room was a medicine cabinet! Opening it to the sound of “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!”, from the main room, he found an old, half bottle of, Buckleys’ Mixture!


With a mighty, “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!”, the door behind him crashed open! Grabbing the ‘Buckleys’, the ‘Wildman’ turned to see, framed in the doorway, the Casket, poised to pounce! With all his might he hurled the bottle, and saw it shatter inside the Casket, its’ foul liquid oozing down the Caskets’ velvet interior, and ...immediately ...The Coffin stopped!”


For those unfamiliar with Canadas’ most reviled nostrum, ‘Bucklys’ Mixture’ is a vile tasting cough suppressant ("Tastes terrible, but, it really works!"). Happy Halloween to all!

In The Beily of the Beast!

"Yesterdays' Comic...

...tomorrows' Bear Crap!"

To say it was an interesting night at Beilys’, “Great Western Comedy Contest”, would be a tribute to the art of understatement, but I’m here to bring you the truth, ...even if I lie trying! My Bride and I arrived at about 8:30 and managed to grab the last available table; luckily it seated six as we had two couples joining us. Another couple I’d invited arrived ten minutes after us, and, try though they might, not a seat could be found; finally I got a couple at the table behind our own to share with them. Yes, it was a packed house!

The cast of characters, as sorted by the Master, was as thus:

The veterans – Tommy Savitt, Kelly Taylor, Jody Peters, Jim Fuchs and Paul Voissard, (all of whom can be considered ‘Pros’.

The sophomores – York Underwood, Trent Paisley, Joel Jeffrey, and, James Mackay, (to call me a sophomore, is, in my eyes, punching way above my weight, but then, I didn’t arrange the classification.)

Rookie Draft Picks – Black Rob and Junior Koszmun, (Black Rob has made only three comedic performances, Junior Koszmun, although a DJ for years, has made only eight.)

We had two absentees, Jim Fuchs and Tommy Savitt, (both for reasons that might be obvious did you know them.)

So there were nine of us there to draw for speaking order; the Master said that Tommy Savitt would be showing up late, and, would we mind if, rather than drawing a slot, he was allowed to go on immediately upon his arrival, (this to make it fair, and not just award the last, and most coveted, speaking slot the person not there to make the draw.) We agreed, and it was done, or, so I thought!

So there we were, nine jesters, a full house, and at least four times the service staff that would be there on a normal night, (and they were kept hopping). For reasons unobvious to me, the show did not commence until after 10:00 pm. This to me is a crime; it’s a work night, and most of the audience, myself as well, has to be up early in the morning to get to their day jobs. However, it happens all too often, sometimes due to poor organization, but, I often suspect, in preference to the owners of the facility, who, once having the maximum number of ‘bums in seats’, want to keep those bums there as long as the waitresses are serving!

I heard some criticism of the Master; that, instead of being funny, he was talking up the sponsors, the fund raising draw and the facility instead of telling jokes! Silly people, he was the MC last night, and that is 75% of his job; the other 25% is to do a warm up set prior to the first comic so that they don’t have the disadvantage of stepping before a cold crowd. He did do an impeccable ten minute set that got the crowd rolling to open the show.

By luck of the draw our first and last comics were the least experienced. Black Rob went up first; I’d never seen him before, but, at seven feet tall and fresh out of High School, he did a great job. Junior Koszmun closed the show, and did it very well; I’d seen him perform twice prior to this, and, what can I say? That boy gets better every time I see him!

Again, by luck of the draw, most of our pros went early in the show. Jody Peters stepped on stage his physical presence and mighty voice dwarfing the room, in no time he had that audience smokin’. Kelly Taylor was next, and impressive he was, first lighting up the audience, then setting the place on fire. York Underwood, (whom you’ve heard me refer to as the Jester), was next, and he brought the house down! I hadn’t seen York perform in some months, but, I’ll tell you, he’s really stepped it up a gear! The Master ranked York as a sophomore, but, while I rairly quibble with the Masters’ pronouncements, York has been a professional for over a year, and has been doing tours as a Headline act.

Now, in most Comedy shows you might attend, the arrangement of comics begins with the least experienced, (some might say the least funny, but, both would be right), and proceeds to the most experienced! There is a reason for this: nobody wants to go on stage after someone who was a lot funnier than they are; the expectations of the audience has been raised to a point that your performance may be incapable of meeting! Last night the big comic cannons were fired early on, leaving us snub nosed, ‘Saturday Night Specials’, to take our best shot after the best of the comic carnage! But, it’s only fair when you draw for speaking order.

That said, the rest of us sophomores muddled through as best we could, well, with one exception. Trent Paisley and Joel Jeffery did a fine job. We all have days that are better than others; sometimes we have days that are worse! Last night I stumbled in my comic stride! It wasn’t devastatingly bad, but, I wasn’t happy with it.

I watched the first 6 comics, then, gave myself ten minutes to psyche up for my number eight slot. The Master announced that he’d mislaid his list, and would the number seven contestant please step forward; I ignored it! Little did I know, but somehow they’d given Tommy Savitt the number seven slot, despite the arrangement to have him perform upon arrival! You now had a crowd sitting silent while this was sorted out! A little shaken up, I took the stage, and, while I didn’t completely mess up, I dropped two jokes, and missed one good line, (both unintentionally!) Subsequently I finished at the eight minute mark, but, finish I did. Then, the moment that I’d really prefer you never heard about. I’d placed the mike back in the stand, and the Master stepped on stage to shake my hand, as I turned away, he grabbed the mike! As I stepped off stage, my left foot caught on the cord, and the mike was snatched from the Masters’ hand! I picked it up and handed it to him, then slunk back to my seat, and cowered there, nursing my wounds with a rapid series of double scotches! So, that’s it! I’ll never step on a comedy stage again! ...Until, of course ...the next time! And I’ll be back to tell you about it!

Who won the prize money? I’m not sure. The show was over at 12:00, but, it was going to take a while to co-ordinate the results, so we made our way back to the remarkably un-comic comfort of Kinley!

I Am Comic!

Last night I finally watched the docu-comedy by Jordan Brady, “I Am Comic”. It’s the story of a former comedian, Ritch Shydner, loosely woven through a collage of interviews and film snips of a wide range of standup comics. Shydner had been a top performer, but quit performing to concentrate on writing jokes for other performers. It is interesting to watch him as he struggles through the wasteland of open mikes and one night stands to see if he can work his way back to his former plateau.

It has great spots by:

Sarah Silverman

Tim Allen

Jeff Foxworthy

Kathy Griffin

Jim Gaffigan

Chris Hardwick

Louis C.K.

Janeane Garofalo

Andy Kindler

Carrot Top

Nick Kroll

Larry Miller

Lewis Black

Margaret Cho

I’d been following its’ progress since before its’ release last winter, and was particularly interested in some of the controversy it stirred up. The controversy centered around a computer program developed by former stand up comedian, Steve Roye. He was interviewed about how his, ‘Comedy Evaluator Pro’, was an essential tool in the development of any comedian.’ Comedy Evaluator Pro’ simply breaks down your set, based on a recording or video, on a minute by minute basis, and informs you how many seconds of each minute you spent talking, and how many seconds of each minute were used up by the audience laughing.

This is essential as a Headliners’ routine must average, at a minimum, eighteen seconds of laughter per minute. And eighteen seconds is a minimum; a good comedian should have minutes in their act that attain thirty or more seconds of sustained laughter. The program itself allows you as a comedian, to evaluate each performance you deliver, and instantly see which areas of your set need to be, ‘punched up’, and which material might best be deleted and replaced with stronger stuff.

Some people thought that this was an, ‘artificial’ way of improving comedy. I just don’t get that; to me it was just a high tech way of doing what comedians have been doing since the beginning. However, instead of relying on memory, hours after the fact, you have the results before you on screen or paper, whenever you like. Cold, hard data rather than the output of a foggy memory, which, in many cases, will be biased.

It was a great show; highly entertaining and informative. Later this week, when I have time, I will watch it again. In the meantime, tomorrow night I am comic, (hear me roar!)

Fools' Gold Rush!

Oct. 25th is almost upon us; so too the ‘Great Western Comedy Contest’ at Beilys’. Excited? I sure am! Prepared? Hardly! Be there? You bet! Goin’ for the gold? Ummm ...don’t think so; I’m just going for a good time!

There will be 10 contestants on Monday evening; some will be desperate to stick a feather in their comic cap, but, the smarter ones not so much so. Yes, there will be raw talent a plenty, but the smart money is placed on completed comic confections, and, in all honesty, I don’t fit at either end of the Spoofers’ Spectrum; I am, at best, but a half baked buffoon!

Then why throw my cap into the ring? Well, because it is great fun; but, the point of a Comedy contest, when looked at with a dispassionate eye, is to neither have fun, nor to pick a winner, it’s something altogether more elemental. A comedy show stands on three points, and, while I don’t want to denigrate my team, comedians don’t form the most important point.

You must have a venue, a place where comics and an appreciative audience can be brought together; you won’t find comedy in a closet, nor audiences for that matter, with the one possible exception of Frat House, ‘Peep Shows’! We have, at Beilys’, a great venue with an excellent stage, lighting and sound system, and, just as important, exceptional bartenders and servers. So, the comics and the venue are in place, the last element is still lacking.

That, of course, is an enthusiastic audience! We do have good, regular audiences at Beilys’, but they run from 60 to 100 people in a room that will hold upwards of 250. Don’t get me wrong, we appreciate them, but, for laughter to be at its’ most infectious, two last criteria must be established. The audience must feel that they are part of a communal experience, and, for that to happen best, they must be squeezed into fairly close proximity; a room with people sitting separately at random tables, remains, no matter what you do, a roomful of individuals!

At the same time, you have to maintain an environment where people, while aware they are part of a large group, can retain a sense of their individuality as well as their individual privacy. For that to happen, you need to mute the lighting, and eliminate as many distractions as possible. Finally, the groups attention is directed to the, ‘Centre of Attention’, the stage; again this is achieved with three essential elements, great lighting, a good sound system, and finally, a good comedian – the inadequacy of any one of these three last, will botch any show.

Put it all together and I admit, it does sound a little, ‘control freakish’, and it would be just that, ...if it were being foisted upon a disinterested group! But, in a Comedy Show, this is not the case; people have paid good money to experience the room filling roar of hearty laughter ...it’s our responsibility not to let them down!

When all three, ‘points’ come together you have a Comedy Show! The owners of the venue are happy because they will make a profit. The audience is happy because they are entertained. And the comics, well ...comics are a bitchy bunch, and never happy, but it does give us an opportunity to have our comedic endeavours appreciated to their full potential ...and that, is music to our ears!

There are a couple other reasons to have a contest; first, it gets people interested, and gives them an opportunity to stand on a comedy stage. That allows you to find more talent, and you can never have too much talent. Second, the money engendered by the show allow prizes that will draw talent from farther afield than you might normally get; again, you can never have too much talent.

So, yes, I’ll be there with bells on; and also, for the first time ever, some of Julies’ and my friends will be attending! This ups the ante just a little, as its one thing to disappoint a group of strangers, but, friends ...well, you have to see and talk with these people long after the lights go down!

Spizzerinctum!

“Spizzerinctum”: ‘Drive; as in energy coupled with a will to succeed.’

My drive into ToonTown last night almost came to naught due to a lack of energy, and a willingness, no, an eagerness to secede; to secede from comedy, to secede from the contest, to align myself with my blankets and pillows and hibernate! Just as well that I don’t take my own self too seriously; I continued on to Beily’s, and the last night of the contest preliminaries.

No familiar faces when I arrived, so, I ordered a glass of water and sat back to watch the evening unfold. There were a fairly good number of audience members present, but they are quickly engulfed by, and disappeared into, Beily’s cavernous maw! After about fifteen minutes the Master appeared, accompanied by a chap I have referred to before as the, ‘Black Knight’, Jody Peters. Jody is a local comic made good. He originally hails from the town of Aberdeen, just East of Saskatoon, where he now resides. He specializes in putting on his own corporate comedy productions, and, as a sideline, is often the voice of animated characters in film productions.

Jody came over and sat with me, and we chatted while the Master hustled about in his frenetic preparations. Jody was adopted and raised by Mennonite farmers, and, subsequently, is the only Africanadian Mennonite I know. A lot of his humour is derived from being raised in a redneck Saskatchewan community, (we have lots of them!). While it’s not his usual shtick, he’d been talked into entering the last night of the contest preliminaries.

There were a few other comics present by this time, most notably Joel Jefferies, as well as a couple others whom I’m not as familiar with. The Master got us all together and gave us the ‘lowdown’ on next weeks’ contest, but, I won’t bother you with such trivia here. Then the show commenced with the Master opening; first up was Jody Peters. I’ve seen Jody perform many times in the past, and always find his act dynamic, warm and entertaining; tonight was no exception! He ended with a bit I’d never seen him do before, called, “Black Superman.”

“What would a black superman be like?
He wouldn’t waste time rescuing white people from bus accidents!
No! He’d head to the toughest redneck bar in the American South,
Waltze through the front door while announcing he was looking for white women!
When the gun smoke cleared, Jody continued, Superman would be unscathed,
Bullet proof! Then he’d challenge the white boys to come outside and see who could fly!
But, once in a while, just for fun, Jody went on, he’d allow himself to be lynched!
Here Jody pantomimed swinging from a tree by his invulnerable neck.”

He presented good comedy; his jokes were funny, and, as you can see, some of his comedic commentary makes you wince and smart just a trifle!

Next up was Joel Jeffery, and he presented a good, solid set of his best material, but, for reasons unknown, didn’t seem able to establish a solid connection with the audience last night. Then the Master was up again, and began a comic diatribe about Canada being a country where you can get arrested for blowing bubbles! (Ed. Note: This in connection with an actual event this summer just past, when Canada hosted the G8 summit.) Finally, he introduced yours' facetiously, (while at the same time making just a little fun of me!)

When I was handed the mike, I watched with eyebrows raised as the Master walked away, and intoned,

“Arrested, ...for blowing bubbles?!?”
Sounds like a nightmare of Ricky,
On the, ‘Trailer Park Boys!”

The audience loved it, but I don’t know how well it would go over with people not familiar with Canadian television/movies. Ricky and Bubbles are two characters on our show, “Trailer Park Boys”; if you’ve never seen it, you should, as it gives great insights into the evolving Canadian psyche!

Wow! Best night I’ve ever had at Beily’s! The audience, who had seemed a little cool up till then, perked up and responded to my jokes as though we’d all rehearsed together! Too soon, it was over, and I departed for my one hour trip home to Kinley, and a four hour nap, immediately followed by another one hour drive to work! And it was worth every minute!

Sprezzatura!

Sprezzatura: “Effortlessness”, as in the appearance of; “Practice in all things a certain sprezzatura ...so as to conceal art, and make whatever is done or said appear to be without effort and almost without any thought about it.”

I was sitting listening to the Master talk about comedy a couple weeks ago when he told me, “I like the fact that you rehearse, ...a lot of comics don’t, and it shows, but, perhaps you over rehearse. The audience can sense this, and thinks that your act lacks spontaneity.” I kinda’ like the irony in that statement, an “act that lacks spontaneity”, but, I always appreciate the Masters’ insights, and try to put them to good use. I suppose that, ‘lacking spontaneity’, is preferable to lacking anything to say on stage, or, at least, lacking anything funny to say, but, I see what he means.

When I first began this quest for 100 appearances on a stand up stage, I was terrified of being in the spotlight with nothing to say; ...that does not rank very high on the scale of pleasant experiences! So, I made sure that I had my set memorized to the word; not just, ‘to the word’, but to how I wished to express each word, and I would do my act that way no matter what the make-up of the audience was. But then, in entertainment, the word ‘act’ presupposes a lot of rehearsal.

Now I’m trying to loosen up a bit, and add a little spontaneity to my act. The other night I went on after another fellow talked about the difficulties he had dealing with his girlfriend on what he called her, ‘happy time’. He was talking about when she was on her period, and, while I knew exactly what he meant, I thought his choice of term a misnomer! As soon as I was introduced I addressed that issue:

“We don’t call it, ‘Happy Time’,
At my place.
‘Cause Momma ain’t happy!
When I met my Bride,
She couldn’t say, “Pecker”,
If her mouth was full of it!
So I got her elocution lessons!
She still can’t say it!
But, she can hum a few bars!
So I call it, “Hummer Week!”
That doesn’t do anything for her moods,
...But I’m Happy!”

Spontaneous? Well, ...it appeared that way, and the audience responded well to it. But spontaneity demands more than making, or at least, ‘appearing to make’ lines up on the spot. Every audience is different; for example, you might not want to address an audience of 20 with the same level of enthusiasm and energy that would work well with an audience of 300. The same goes for an audience of paying comedy enthusiasts in a Comedy club, as compared to a small crowd in a local bar. The former are there to see a show, the latter are perhaps there for a variety of reasons, of which comedy may or may not be one.

This last week I had the opportunity to share a Comedy stage with Tommy Savitt, a Pro from Brooklyn, NY, now residing in Los Angeles; I’d shared a stage with him before, but, had not been able to watch his act. Tommy is fairly soft spoken for a comic, and talks with the right corner of his mouth curled down. He’s not very animated on stage; he doesn’t need to be, his words do the talking for him, so to speak. It was, a demonstration in, “Sprezztura”.

His delivery brought me in mind of a pro Boxer working a speed bag; each, ‘punch’ line launched and delivered perfectly, apparently without much effort on his part, but, ...they had impact. Not just that, but he set up a rhythm that was mesmerizing, his jokes unencumbered by excessive verbiage! The rhythm, established immediately, brought a positive audience response with clockwork precision; ...laughter every 15 seconds, or, about every twenty words. He maintained that same rhythm for forty minutes!

I watched him again later in the week; the exact same rhythm, and the exact same words, before a similar audience. I’d love to see him perform in front of a huge crowd, where, if anything, his material would do even better. Tommy Savitt has the luxury of always performing to comedy club audiences, and it’s a luxury he deserves, ...he’s certainly worked for it!

At the same time, I’d like to see how he’d modify it to capture a rowdy bar audience. I don’t think it would work as well before a diverse audience, attending for a variety of reasons, and all at different levels of intoxication, with, perhaps, a hockey game playing loudly on the wall above the bar. I’m sure he’d handle it professionally, but, I’m just as sure he’d have to modify his delivery.

As it stands, I’m to appear at Ally Katz tonight, and I’ll be doing old material, but I’ll attempt to do it in a toned down, conversational manner! Sprezzatura? Not likely, but I’m working on it! Wish me luck!

The Full Mummer!

While anyone can tell you what Humorists, Comics and Comedians have in common, (and the answer of course is “jokes”), I personally find it difficult to say what the differences between each category may be; despite that, let’s pry back their Prankster Personas, and, for a moment, take a look at the full Mummer!

A Humorist, by my definition, has always a message behind his jokes, and his set must be thematic with a consistent point of view. I don’t know too many Humorists, (and, how could you know too many?), but, the finest example that comes to my mind is Samuel Clemens, better known as, ‘Mark Twain’. I believe it was Mr. Clemens who fostered my love of laughter, and I know it was his humour which first reduced me to tears. A funny guy indeed! His material was almost always thematic, a delivery of information and attitude etched in wicked wit. This ‘Thematic’ delivery, of necessity, reduces the proportion of laughs to material; at the same time, because it deals with serious matters, or themes, when well done, the laughs, when they do come, will be huge. John Cantu, of the, ‘Holy Zoo’, a little comedy club that produced Robin Williams, was first a comedian, and then proceeded to become a Humorist. He said, “A Humorist who gets five seconds of laughter for each minute on stage is a comic genius.”

Comics and Comedians have a slightly different challenge; for either to be a genuine success, they must generate a minimum of eighteen solid seconds of laughter for each minute of stage time. Because of this time factor a comic or comedian must toss off any pretence of their material being thematic, or carrying a message; it must be a constant barrage of shock and awe!

While every comic, to a degree, must be a comedian, it is true also that every comedian must have in his repertoire a little of the comic. There was a time I didn’t think that there was a difference between the two, but Mel Brooks changed my mind on that count; he said, “A Comic says funny things; a Comedian says things funny.”

This summer I was at one show in the city, and the comedians I was with were not doing very well; there was little in the way of laughter coming from the audience. Why? I don’t know! Many of us were doing new, untried material, but, one fellow I know went up and did ten minutes of his best material, material I’d seen many audiences howl at over the last year, and he fared little better than the rest of us. Then, a friend of mine got on stage; be began by harassing the audience ...and continued the same throughout his set. It worked! He got more laughter than the rest of us combined! As he swept off stage, and waltzed past our table he smirked, “That’s the way it’s done boys; piss ‘em off, then make fun of them!”

While I’m not fond of that approach, I will concede that sometimes it is essential, and I hope that I’m not often required to perform in a venue where it’s necessary. A friend of mine attended a show put on by two other friends of mine in a nearby community; he is quite familiar with the material of both of them. “It was a great show”, he said, “but both those guy have material that’s comic gold, and none of it worked! But they could stand on stage and tell the audience that they were morons, and they’d laugh like crazy!” He went on to tell me that the audience was only about twenty people due to so many of the locals being in the midst of harvest. Those that were there were already pretty sloshed when the show began, and quickly proceeded to become more so! When they have that much alcohol in them it is difficult to have your ‘wit’ appreciated, and it is then time to let peoples’ natural susceptibility to feelings of superiority take over. It’s one of our baser instincts, and evidences itself most plainly in school kids and drunks, (if you’re ever caught up in a crowd of drunken school kids ...watch out!) Don Rickles was a master of this technique, and, while I was never a fan, I’ll admit that he elevated it to an art form. To me that is a comic; there’s not much ‘comedic’ about it.

At the other end of the comedy spectrum is the comic who, “says things funny!”, and here I’m going to use as examples, Groucho Marx, Steven Wright and Jimmy Carr. These are, all three, masters of writing and editing, and, just as important, polished perfection in their respective deliveries. I love all three, and, to myself, they represent as close as human kind have ever come to pure comedy. Their acts will fill huge comedy theatres with wave upon wave of roaring laughter. At the same time, I’ve been in bars in Northern Saskatchewan where their material just wouldn’t work as well; and it’s in just such venues where a certain aptitude for the other end of the comic spectrum comes in real handy, but ...more on that another time!

Toastmasters, Overdone!

Wednesday evening arrived and so did I, at the Toastmasters Humorous and Impromptu contests. The venue was packed, and quickly overheated. They had combined two Area contests, so, rather than two contests, there were actually four! OK; I was confused too. It did, however, make for an interesting roster of contestants. There were seven contestants in the Humorous category, and I believe eight in the impromptu portion of the evening. With the luck that is typically mine I managed to draw the first speaking slot in each category!


My title for my humorous speech was, “Late Bloomers”, and in the speech I talked about the education system, my own experiences in University, and both my difficulties and eventual success in getting my daughter to University.

My Alma Mater began as an Agricultural College,
And later added a veterinarian college,
Before attaining its’ accreditation.
I called it old ‘FU’, or,
Farmer University;
Others weren’t as kind.
They called it, ‘U of Moo’,
Or, worse ‘U of Goo’,
And, occasionally,
‘U of Moo Goo’.
I graduated, and attained my BS,
That may sound harsh, but,
As any competent farmer knows,
It’s the hay that’s been through the bull,
That puts the bloom,
On the rose!
I left old FU behind,
Older and more manure!

I’d like to tell you that it was a tremendous success, and I won the applause and admiration of all in the room, but ...such was not the case! There I was, in front of a packed room, and I couldn’t seem to be able to scrape together a chuckle, chortle, or guffaw! If memory serves, I did manage to elicit two broad groans, but I can’t really say that this was an expression of appreciation; it might well have been the audience’s note of exasperation at the burden that was being foisted upon them! I found it a little disquieting; even the host of Angels I’d faced on Sunday evening had expressed polite applause!

I concluded my speech as follows:

Nothing gave me greater pleasure than her phone call,
At the end of her first week.
Her joy resonated through the phone line,
“Dad,” she said, “This is where I belong!”
Yes, she is blooming in University,
At a time when the majority of graduates are female.
When I went, university was the preserve of the Alpha Male!
And the majority of graduates were men.
But I was no Alpha Male!
I was just a farm boy,
You might say, a hayseed!
Which makes me, at best,
“Alfalpha Male!”

On the up side, while seven and a half minutes can seem an eternity, it does eventually wheeze its’ way to an expiration, and my time was no exception to that rule. Actually, the seven minute and thirty second mark loomed suddenly, and just a little sooner than I’d anticipated; while I haven’t had confirmation of the possibility, I just may have exceeded the maximum time, and been disqualified. That really wouldn’t bother me, but, the fact that I didn’t seem to get any laughter ...does! This was a sober crowd, and I’ve been mainly been performing in bars; perhaps my humour only sinks in when filtered through several layers of beer!

The two ladies who placed first and second were very good. The first talked about, (as so many do), about the hilarity she found in giving birth. Second place talked about the quirky little thing we remember about occasions and events experienced long in the past.

At the intermission it was getting quite late, so I informed the Chief Judge that I would participate in the Impromptu contest, but would be leaving immediately after completing my role. Impromptu speaking is dreaded by many, and for good reason; you are called to the front of the room where, in front of the audience, the Contest Chair introduces you and announces the topic you are to address! Then they walk off stage, leaving you to perform. The topic I was given was, “Which do you consider superior, living in a rural or an urban setting?

To me the question was perfect! I was raised on a farm, and currently live in a hamlet of 42 people, so, I quickly summed up the pros and cons of both lifestyles, and then admitted that, while my wife and I both loved the cultural and entertainment possibilities of a city like Saskatoon, we preferred to live out where the deer and antelope play, where bears walk through our back yard, and every evening we drift off to sleep serenaded by coyotes. If we wish to experience the riches of the city, ...it’s just an hour away! I concluded thus:

My grandparents grew up in the country,
My parents grew up in the country, and,
While perhaps I never truly grew up,
I am ... “Alfalpha Male”

I found out later that I took second place in the contest, which is just fine by me. However, I’m still perplexed; in my Impromptu offering, the audience laughed! And the best laugh was at the, “Alfalpha Male”, line, which didn’t get a chuckle in my humorous speech. People! Go Figure!

All Fuched Up! (and no place to go!)

I’m a little weary today; got home at 12:30 am, and the alarm went off for work at 4:30. Beilly’s was not bad last night, although not too many familiar comic faces; a fairly good crowd for a Holiday Monday. Found the Master explaining to one somewhat intoxicated comic that he could not perform that evening; it seems the individual in question had been at Ally Katz two weeks previous, and went on stage so drunk that he could not articulate simple words, and that, folks, makes for a really challenging Stand-up act. He was banned from Ally Katz until such time as he has demonstrated his good behaviour; last night was not considered a positive element in that demonstration!


One fellow there I’d not seen before, and he did a so-so set which seemed to evolve around, “Poop and Period”, jokes. Not my tastes to be sure, but, the audience seemed to like it. I stayed till 11:00 pm, and watched the first half of Tommy Savitt’s set; once again he was professional and polished, not to mention hilarious. To no one’s surprise, and to this fool’s dismay, Mr Savitt has advanced to the comedy finals on Oct. 25th. It’s starting to look like an interesting contest.

There were as many people at Beilly’s last night as there had been at Ally Katz on Sunday, but the room at Beilly’s is cavernous in comparison to the other, and crowds disappear into the darkness. They had green spot lights set up for some reason, and every comedian that climbed on stage immediately took on a sickly, Martian pallor.

A good night, with more of the usual hi-jinks, but I can’t tell of it all now as I’m tired and must get myself rested and prepared for my ‘Humour’ contest tomorrow evening. I’ll let you know how that goes; at least at Toastmasters there should be no drunks on stage, and I’d be willing to bet there are no Angels in the crowd either. P.S. Last night makes appearance number 45.

Ally Katz & Angels!

Last night I caterwauled at ‘Ally Katz’ nightclub on main street Saskatoon, and, while perhaps not a howling success, I managed not to get knocked off the fence by a flying boot. I’d never been before, but ‘Alley Katz’ is the Master’s new Sunday night venue, and this was his fifth show there. It was a nice, informal setting, with an audience of perhaps 80; a little older crowd perhaps, than I’m used to, but fairly enthusiastic and appreciative.


There was an assembly of angels in attendance, and, though I didn’t spot a single halo, there were plenty of beards, beer bellies and tattoos. Motorpsycho enthusiasts are comedy fans too, and there’s nothing so endearing to a comic’s ear as a hearty beer belly laugh!

The Master was in fine form last night and informed me that he suspects he and his wife are possibly pregnant again; if this is the case it will bring them to just one short of an official dozen! With those domestic numbers I can see why the Master needs to get out nights; however, just for myself, I think my sense of humour would have dried up by six! You have to admire the man; he home schools them all.

The evening was billed as an entirely ‘pro’ night, and I was both surprised and flattered to be given an opening slot. One of my favourites, the irrepressible Jody Peters, took the second slot on the bill, and reminded the audience that realistically, any citizen of Saskatoon is only one generation removed from the farm. He went on to tell us about his two weeks in Italy, and how tourism is complicated when you travel solo, and have no grasp of the native language.

Tommy Savitt was the headliner. This fella’ won the 2007 Boston Comedy Competition, the 2008 Seattle Comedy Competition and a 2009 LA Comedy Award for Best in Comedy. I’d seen Tommy perform last Spring, but, he is soft spoken for a comedian, and I’d been surrounded by chatty people in a room separate from the stage and subsequently didn’t hear much of his material, though I could see the audience in the main room lapping it up.

Last night I had a much better location, and thoroughly enjoyed his 40 minute set. Many of our local comedians, (and here I include myself), tend to be a little too wordy; Mr. Savitt was wordy too, but the difference was that, regular as clockwork, every fifteen or so words brought a huge laugh response from the audience. A great show and I was left wanting more. Tonight at Beilly’s I’ll get more!

Tonight the, ‘Great Western Comedy Contest’, continues at Beilly’s, and Tommy Savitt is competing! Between you and I, it looks like he might be a contender!