"Abandon Hype All Ye Who Enter Here!"

Steppenwolf

"Eternity is a mere moment; just long enough for a joke!"

Sunday, February 28, 2010

...into the Night & Fog!


Yesterday someone asked me if it was wise to announce what my set would be like on Wednesday? I don’t think it makes much difference. I don’t think that many of those concerned read this stuff, and, even if they do ...there’s not much reason to be concerned. Most will believe that they have a pretty good idea what material I’ll be doing anyway; at the same time, it could just be a smoke screen. I know me better than most; well enough that, no matter how tempting ...I’d never follow a ‘shape shifter’ into the Night & Fog!

It occurred to me fairly early that I could put together a ‘set’ that just riffed on the material that I suspected the competition would be using. Simple enough, really, because I have pretty good idea what most of the regulars will be doing. You could direct a line or two at each of the ‘beginners’, (of which I count myself one), and a minute or so at each of the contenders. Fun? ...Perhaps ...but I believe it’s how you play the game.

What you really want, is that everyone, ‘plays nice’, and gets along well; even more important, that the inexperienced are made welcome, supported in, and commended for, what is to them, a very demanding role. Uppermost in importance, is that the people who attend as part of the audience have a good time, and leave with the intention of returning ...regularly!

We really need a much wider range of both quality and quantity of performers at, ‘Refuse to Sit Down’. It would be so much better if there were a pool of twenty or so comics participating in a regular rotation; much more entertaining for the audience, and more instructive for the performers, I’ve never seen a comic perform there that I’ve failed to glean something from.

My Father put in ten years on the down town Toronto police force. He used to get, in the late ‘40’s and early ‘50’s, pay duties down at the Gardens for the big wrestling matches. He said it was entertaining, watching the wrestlers venting their theatrics on each other, and the audience loved it. But, he saw them arrive, usually all in the same vehicle, and all good friends; after the show they’d all pile into the same vehicle, and head off for dinner and drinks.

It would be great to see something similar at ‘Refuse to Sit Down’ when we get a large enough and deep enough pool of talent. You’d have to arrange the verbal ‘jousting’ between opponents of fairly equal capablility  ...there’s many there I’d not want to come up against. Great training for the comics too, as they could gradually morph from villain to ‘Hero of the day’, and really, that’s the role of the, ‘Trickster’, ...the ‘Shape Shifter’!

As it stands now, we don’t have sufficient comics to develop that level of skulduggery. Of the fellows we’ve got ...what can I say? "...With friends like these ...who needs comics!?

Friday, February 26, 2010

Erect-A-Set!

I was going to do a set of some of my strong stuff and some new stuff; that all changed when I found out that the judges would be booking agents. Now I have to do a ‘showcase’; which is just the highlights of the best of your material, done to the best of your ability! Hmmmm ...material and ability? I’m a little short on both; it’ll have to be a Spartan showcase. But, I have gotten it together ...all that remains is to knock off the rough edges ...and add a lot of spit and polish!


Putting a set together is pretty simple. You have to, (to my mind), establish a premise and a point of view. Comics who do a series of ‘one liners’ are a little different; they have a series of premises, but generally a consistent point of view. The ‘POV’ is, in my opinion, essential; it streamlines your ‘set-ups’, because the audience is familiar with the way you look at the world.

Next, you should try to establish a rhythm; it’s, I’m afraid to say, much like boxing, feint, feint and Punch! The, ‘Feints’, are your set up lines, and, like in boxing, they don't just distract and keep your opponent off balence; if a boxer can draw blood with a feint, he will ...it gives impact and panache to the ‘Punch!’ Same for the comic; if a set up line gets a laugh ...so much better for the punch line!

Now, say you have 8 minutes, here’s the way to look at your time ...minute by minute. You have to allow time for positive audience response, (laughter), it’s all part of the timing. To be a good comic, you really need 15 seconds of laughter per minute; that leaves you 45 seconds per minute to talk. Make your sentences 6 – 8 words max! Two sentences will be your feints, (set ups), and one will be your punch line. My aim is to say about 60 words per minute, so that gives me three combinations of 15 seconds each, or, twenty words a piece. In layman’s terms, that means I should aim for three jokes per minute ...every minute. Never underestimate the importance of rhythm; you train your audience to laugh, and they’re easier to train if you say something funny every 15 seconds, or, every twenty words. You can just as easily train them not to laugh if you don’t give them time to respond ...even if you’re funny, they’ll shut up and listen.

So, that’s it; follow those instructions, and you’ll blow them away, every time ...guaranteed! First though, you have to come up with the right 20 words for each 15 seconds, and ...I’m afraid I can’t help you there. The ‘outline’ is ideal, of course; and most of us never hit it. But, the closer you can come to it ...the better. If you follow my math you’ll have noted that eight minutes should require a grand total of 480 words. For my set I came up with 580. If there are fewer laughs in the first couple minutes, I can use more words. If there is more laughter than I anticipate, I’ve put it together with three ‘break off’ points close to the end; places where I can finish if I run out of time.

My premise is, “Getting Old Sucks!” My Point of View is, “When the going sucks ...the suckers get Kinky!” And my material will reflect the fact that, at 50, you have the experience and imagination but ...little physical ability. “At 50, the male mind turns to, RRSP’s, Stocks & and Bondage!” By the way, this article is 606 words.

PS: It's always a good idea to give your audience any vital information in advance, but, don't necessarily come out and tell them. If I'm doing much, 'word play', I want them to know that right from the beginning. If I just announce the fact it will set up their resistance, so, I usually open with a couple blatant puns ...that get a laugh! It wouldn't do any good if they didn't get a laugh. Now, even if only unconsciously, they will be looking for word play throughout. If they don't know right off the bat, they may not realize it till deep in your set, or not at all. I haven't seen many comic do word play out here.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Like a Ham-Strung Faun!

The Canadians won against the Russians last night. Vangelli’s lost. I couldn’t believe the cars on Broadway! I had to park three blocks away; everyone was out in the bars watching the hockey/Olympics. That meant that, ‘Refuse to Sit Down’, had an almost empty house. The crowd wasn’t there, and, neither were most of the comics. It was just myself, ‘The Knight of the Dark Countenance’, and, ‘The Knight of Much Menace.’ To put together a show our ‘Court Jester’ made a last minute call, and, ‘The Black Knight’, sauntered in, late, to save the day.


It was fun, but very difficult to get a strong audience reaction. Nobody was sitting at the tables immediately in front of the stage; that meant a huge distance between the comic and his audience. I even took the Mike for a waltz around the dance floor to get a little closer; it didn’t help much. Bad audience? No! Bad comedian! However, I did get to try a lot of new stuff. I have some really awkward puns, and they’re awkward because, to be believable, I have to appear not to quite understand what I’m saying. So, I put Julie in my act:

“My wife is supportive.
I couldn’t do this without her.
Because ...she writes all my lines!
Says she feels like a ventriloquist!
What does that make me!!!???
She says I’m just her, lil’ Delivery Boy!”

I did get laughs ...but no roars! More important, I got through the material in a way that was acceptable to me. I was amazed that the strongest reaction was where I f—ked up. Audiences love to see a comic sweat; it’s kind of perverse actually. So ...I faked a sweat! I told them that our, writer/delivery boy, arrangement worked well ...except when we argued, then I never know what I’m going to say! “We argued this morning”, I said, “and she said the most hurtful thing!” “She said that I...” and here I ‘forgot’ my line, looked desperate ...finally pulled out a card ...realized it was a totally bizarre shopping list ...fired it at the wall ...and finally admitted that I couldn’t go on! Did they swallow it? Pretty much; they were moving in like a pack of wolves circling a ham-strung faun; wouldn't that get your goat?! Then ...I remembered!

Next week is the extravaganza! Three television cameras, and, hopefully, a packed house! I had a chat with our ‘Court Jester’; he’s a clever boy, and I’ll have to re-think this whole contest. I’m sick of re-thinking! I wish I could get it right the first time! I’d thought that the event would be decided by an audience vote; ...not the case! CJ told me that it would be judged. “Where”, I asked, “do you find judges for a comedy contest? His answer showed just how clever our CJ is: “Booking Agents!” That really will even out the playing field. I don’t like taking comedy seriously ...but now ...I’ll have to!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

A Kenniston Saturday Knight!

Met ‘Sir & Lady Lot’s O’ Laughs’, at Vangelli’s about 7:30 last evening and were soon joined by ‘The Knight of the Dark Countenance’. The ‘Master’ picked us up and we were off for the Kenniston Steakhouse and Tavern. About 8:50 we arrived and found it to be a kind of cute place; the floor was so warped out of kilter that it was impossible to walk the length of the bar without appearing ‘over served!’

I looked around at the 50 to 60 patrons with a little foreboding; I was well under the average age of those in attendance. That didn’t bother me, but, the material I’ve been doing is targeted for a crowd in their twenties. I poke fun at myself and rail against the aging process, consequently I’m really making fun of old people. Hmmmm ....that might not go over well in this situation! However, that was all the material I had prepared, so I would just have to adapt it a bit. I decided to do it more in a conversational style, rather than as a bitter man railing against the fates. I also put together a little piece on how ‘starry eyed’ a resident of a Hamlet of 42 becomes when confronted by the opulence of a town of 450! This went over well I did a quick comparison of the two, and then took Kinley down a few pegs!

There were two young couples sitting front and center, but, try as I might, I could hardly get a smile out of them! They were staying at the hotel, and their english was not very good as they were from France. I always suspected that the French had no sense of humour, and my suspicion was confirmed last night! They were pretty good sports though, and responded quite well to, 'Sir Lot's O' Laughs', who is well versed in French. Can you imagine being in a French audience at a French comedy show, as an English speaker? You would problably be wondering just who all the laughing was directed at!

Two minutes into my act any trepidation I’d felt initially was dispelled. This was one of the best audiences I’ve ever faced. They were rocking the joint with laughter. One old girl, celebrating the eve of her 70th birthday, was having a great time. Another, almost the same age and weighing perhaps 300 pounds, was shaking like a Haitian Haystack! I addressed her phenomenal enthusiasm by announcing that she was welcome in Kinley any time! One old ‘dude’ was adding his own colourful commentary to my talk; not heckling, just having fun and wanting to add to it. I couldn’t say anything nasty to him, so I just acknowledged his genuine wit, and added that he was someone I’d love talking to ...after my set! Perfect, no hurt feelings, and no more interruptions!

The rest of the evening was in the same vein. They liked our, ‘Knight of the Dark Countenance’, really hit it off with,’ Sir Lot’s O’ Laughs’, and loved the ‘Master’. When all was said and done it was hard to get out of the place. One fellow grabbed me and told how he’d never seen a Comedy Show, had seen them advertised in distant locations, but had never been able to get anyone interested in attending with him; he loved it! All told, a great, though rather long evening.

Afterwards the, ‘Knight of the Dark Countenance’ quibbled a little over the reception of his material; but, he’d taken up a sheet of notes to refer to on stage. When you do that, you’re not ‘performing’ or ‘doing an act’, you’re just reading jokes! There’s a real difference in the way you will be perceived; a good comedy set is like sex ...you’ll never get more out of an audience than you were willing to put into it. Someone once said that a good comedy show should leave you feeling like your brain has been skewered by a white hot poker! Jokes on paper will never generate that kind of heat!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

...Wood Eye!?!

It’s always nice to have a little change of pace, so, last night I had a chance to give a little talk to a group comprised of bankers, accountants, and business people. It was a very different group than the audience I find at Vangelli’s. It is, ‘Heart and Stroke’, month, and many of these folk either work for, or volunteer their time and talents to, the Heart and Stroke foundation. The theme of the event was, ‘Have a Heart!’ They had another fellow before me, and he gave a lovely, heart warming chat on the difficulties of being a step-father to a teen age step-son. It was titled, of course, “Have a Heart!”


These people know me a little, but still haven’t figured me out. I have to be very careful to never confuse my audience's, nor my material; what flies at Vangelli's would sink me at this type of affair. However, admit it or not, most audiences love just a whiff of brimstone! If you are careful, you can have fun playing with the concept. I’d also decided to address the theme of the event, but, of course, from my own point of view! I was going to address the dilemma faced by the men who explored and mapped this continent; sure, you could always dally with the natives, but, where, could you find a date that you could take home to Mom and Dad!?! My introduction spoke to this issue, though obliquely. It was fascinating to watch the faces of those in the audience as the MC gave them the salient details! Then, she read my title: “Pioneer Passion; Rudimentary Romance for the Rough and Tumble ...With Emphasis on the Rude!” Many of those, “Heart & Stroke”, faces looked as if they were going to have a stroke!

It went quite well; I didn’t have notes, as I’d never written it out. My only regret is that I didn’t remember to take my voice recorder; now I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to write it! I think that I was the most entertained of the evening; just to watch those faces go from looks of anticipated anxiety, to fascination, to being transfixed and mesmerized. All told ...a lot of fun.

While preparing for last night’s gig I was interrupted by the ring of the telephone; it was the, ‘Court Jester.’ He was effusive in his ‘sketchy’ way; “Wednesday all the money was on the Pro. It was the only ‘unpacked’ audience we’ve had! You blew him away!” He went on a little, but that’s more than enough! He informed me that, ‘The Master’ & ‘Sir Lot’s O’ Laughs’, were to appear in Kenniston Saskatchewan tonight, and wondered if I would have time to join them? “Wood Eye?!? ..Wood Eye!?!” When summoned by, ‘The Master’, I hardly have a choice! Saturday night in Kenneston it is!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

...When You're Weeping!





“Oh where’s you sense of humour gone?
Big deal, you’re back against the wall!
It’s never over, when you can savour,
That danger pressed against your chest,
The knee that’s in your groin.

We all get trapped by character.
Shedding your skin can make it worse.
But what’s your worry?
No need to hurry,
Oh, we can blow it all today,
And tomorrow we’ll rehearse.

‘Cause there’s no greater glory,
When it all gets Hairy,
Than to be laughing in the midst of it all!”

Doug & The Slugs,
“When You’re Laughing”
‘Cognac and Bologna’

Well, another night at Vangelli’s has come and gone; the comic detritus once again swept up and tossed. I was better prepared, or so I thought, than ever. I’d rehearsed my 61/2 minutes so often that my poor dog, Claymore, had retreated under the couch! It would be 8 minutes, but Claymore doesn’t get my jokes, so no laughs! In fact, he seems somewhat alarmed at my sporadic outbursts, and, seeing no one else is in the house, assumes they are directed at him! The poor little fellow’s self esteem; he can’t think of what he’s done wrong, so feels it best to get out of wrath’s way!

A small crowd last night; perhaps 70 people in all. It appeared that no one had brought their fan club this evening. That’s too bad; I do enjoy a packed house. But it was a good crowd; we had a large group of physics students from the university and they were fun. When I’d got myself established, I nipped out for a smoke. There were two ladies outside for the same reason. My lighter wouldn’t work, and I felt that that hearkened poorly for the evening. Then a lighter snapped under my nose, proffered by one of the two. I thanked her, remarking that she’d saved me from wearing a groove in my thumb! “Most men don’t have those,” was her reply. “What’s that,” I asked, “Thumbs?” “No,” said the young lady, “Grooves!” Sorry, I had to laugh! “Well,” said I, “I have one ...but she couldn’t come tonight ...my fault really!” Everyone’s a comedian!

Inside the show began; good line up of comics, but, really only three in the contest. First up was a young fellow from Regina. I felt bad for him; he had prepared material, and you could tell just how much it mattered to him, but he just couldn’t come to terms with the audience last night. I didn’t get a chance to talk to him.

Next up was a fellow in the radio industry. He began by saying that he hadn’t done stand-up for over a year. He had some very funny stuff, and the audience certainly seemed to like him. Didn’t get a chance to talk to him either, but, ‘The Master’, later told me that he’d often worked with him on the comedy stage.

Then, it was my turn, and I gave it my best. Things were going fairly well, then, half way through my set, I blanked! Can’t explain why it happened; can’t begin to describe such a horrid sensation. I paused then repeated my last line. Nothing! You cannot stop! The real pro’s can switch horses mid-stream when something goes awry; sorry to say, I’m no pro, if I’m to dance it’s with the horse I rode in on! I threw out something random; nothing again. I re-repeated my last line, and ...it caught, and I was off and limping!

I riffed on one of the, ‘Court Jester’s’ earlier lines, and got a great response. Before I’d went on I’d noticed, ‘The Master’, sitting front and center at a table with five young ladies. I had a line just for him. Before I could deliver it, though, he disappeared! Afterwards I told, ‘The Master’, how he’d confounded my plan, to which he replied: “Yeah! I know when you guys get up there you’ll be making fun of me ...so I go hide at the bar!” So, I had an undelivered line that was just crying for a destination, and, ‘Sir Lot’s o’ Laughs’, was sitting off to one side. He was not feeling well last night, and I hated to disrupt him, but I fired that line anyway and got a great audience response. After my set our, ‘Knight Errant’, did get up and deliver a great set despite his fever; you gotta’ love a capable comic ....no matter how sick!

I did get a chance to talk to last week’s 1st place winner and, as I’d suspected, he’s under the tutelage of our own, “Crown Prince”. A great guy, and I was only disappointed by the fact that he did not get up to do a set last night; I’ll really look forward to seeing what he comes up with for the televised contest on Mar. 3rd.

I talked briefly with the, ‘Kelona Bad Boy’, who tied for second place with, ‘Sir Lot’s o’ Laughs’ last week. I’d really liked his style when I’d first seen him; absolutely coherent ...no static at all on those air waves! He was telling me that he’s worked as a radio announcer for 10 years; he’s good.

My set done, I slipped outside to lick my wounds. I was preceded by a group of the Physics students. Another one followed me out; I’d noticed this fellow in the audience, having, (I hoped!), a good time. If you can picture, ‘Hagar the Horrible’, in his prime, that is just what this chap looked like. Huge! Brilliant red hair and matching beard, and a hand that enveloped mine and squeezed all the way up to my elbow! Smiling, he told me how much he’d enjoyed my act; it’s moments just like that that make this kind of nonsense worth every minute. Never listen to criticism from the other comics; always pay attention to the audience, theirs is the only verdict that carries any weight!

It was late, and I was tired, but I went in to listen to a couple more sets, then, ‘The Master’, took the stage for the closing act. I suspected something was slightly, ‘off the tracks’, when he began by ripping me a new ‘Fecal Freedom Fundament!’ ‘The Master’s’ wit is usually razor sharp, but, it was a blunt instrument he used last night ...I can still feel the pain! Gentle readers, I’ll spare you his vile verbiage! Suffice it to say that the civilized province of Ontario received a thorough threshing, though, not quite so thorough as that received by a certain comic who dared to venture from hence to Saskatoon Comedy stages!

That is, “Refuse to Sit Down”; just a continual comic catfight ...and I’m happy to be allowed a small part in it. It's just like my comic Guru, John Cantu, from the 'Holy Zoo', said; "Your first 100 appearances don't count!" I headed back to Kinley a little older, a little wiser, and a little richer ...by exactly $100! You’re Surprised!?! ...You could have knocked me over with a slapstick! I’m speechless! But, I began this with, ‘Doug & the Slugs, so, I might as well finish with them:

“I learned to whistle Nero’s tune,
That melody inside the tomb.
He never bothered,
Climbing the ladder.
He knew the power of a joke,
When you’re faced with your own doom!

So throw your money in the pot.
I’m taking everything you’ve got!
If there’s a limit,
I’ve never seen it.
So throw your caution to the wind,
Or mail it to Tibet!

‘Cause there’s no greater glory,
When it all gets hairy,
Than to be laughing,
in the midst of it all!"

Thursday, February 11, 2010

A Little Dry Whine!


E.I. Clerk: Occupation?

Comicus: Stand-up Philosopher.
E.I. Clerk: What”
Comicus: Stand-up Philosopher. I coalesce the vapours of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
E.I. Clerk: Oh, a *bullshit* artist!
Comicus: *Grumble*...
E.I. Clerk: Did you bullshit last week?
Comicus: No.
E.I. Clerk: Did you *try* to bullshit last week?
Comicus: Yes!

Mel Brooks: "History of the World, Part 1"


It was another interesting evening at Vangelli’s Tavern. There were only about 100 in attendance, with a good array of Stand-up Philosophers. I was particularly pleased to see our own, “Comic Errant”, (Sir Lots O’ Laughs), enter the lists on his high, white horse; he’s been doing stand-up for 7 years now, and is quite good.

The crowd was slow to build and we didn’t begin till about 10:00 pm, and I got the #4 slot. The first fellow up was, ‘Sir Lots O’ Laughs’, and he gave a strong, polished performance; most of his material I’d seen several times over the last year. I’m not being critical when I say that; most agree that a ‘set’ isn’t worth seeing till after its tenth run through before an audience.

Next was a fellow who was out the week before. He told me before his set that he was doing 80% brand new material. It was good material, and delivered in a smooth professional manner, but, for some reason, did not elicit much response from the audience. This comic is an actor, who studied drama in university, and has an audition this weekend for this summer’s, ‘Shakespeare on the Saskatchewan.’

Third was the fellow I described last week as dressed in, ‘Biker Chic’; this week he wore a business suit. I’d seen him arrive with his girlfriend, sit down, and start working through a newspaper, underlining headlines. His act was to take the paper up on stage, riff on each of the headlines in turn, and toss the individual sheets on the stage behind him. Great self confidence, but, neither preparation nor polish; the audience slipped into a coma!

I was to go on then, but the ‘Court Jester’ asked me if I’d mind if he put, ‘The Master’, on for a few minutes to administer to the audience a little, much needed, “Mouth to Funny Bone Resuscitation!” In just a few moments they were, ‘good to go!’

Then I was on, and it was kinda’ fun. Never ask the audience for sympathy; it’s the kiss of death, but, can be a fun concept to play with. I got two good laughs right off the mark, and then took a few seconds to wallow in apparent self pity; the results were interesting.

“I don’t know about these Comedy Contests..
Last week I was blown off stage!

Up to that point I’d had great eye contact with the audience; after that second line it quickly disappeared!

“...Ya’ gotta’ love our Comic Groupies!”

Beautiful reaction! The tension that had developed instantly, just as quickly, evaporated! I had eye contact again, and a great long laugh! The race was on! My material on the Globe and Mail article was well received and I was astounded that nobody had heard of it. The CBC had mentioned it several times during the day, and my Bride had heard about it when she arrived home. Even, ‘The Master’ was surprised; he said that he remembered someone phoning for an interview, but hadn’t heard anything since.

Next up was a fresh face with lots of friends in the crowd. His personality was great, his professionalism unapparent, and his grasp of the language seldom exceeded four letters. All told, pretty good for a first time!

I missed the next comedians. I hadn’t intended to, but, after my set I began to get my things together, (never underestimate the importance of a quick get-a-way when you’re telling lousy jokes!), when I noticed that my keys were missing! I found them out in the parking lot ...locked in my car along with my cell phone!

Final results for the evening were much as I’d anticipated; the young fellow after me took first place, and second place was a tie between our ‘Comic Errant’ and the gentleman from B.C. I’d missed the latter’s set while out trying to figure out how to remedy my car problem, but, from what I’ve seen, in my opinion his humour is the most to my taste of all.

When I ran my recorded set past my ‘PAR’ program I was pleased to find that I had 180 seconds of positive audience response, giving me a ‘PAR’ score of 29% with 18 seconds of laughter per minute.


Minute           Number of laughs           Seconds of laughter



1                                 4                                     17



2                                 5                                      11



3                                  7                                      20



4                                 8                                       18



5                                 8                                        20



6                                 7                                         11



7                                 6                                          21



8                                 6                                          15



9                                 4                                           13



10                               5                                           19

Just to get a comparison, I recorded the set of, ‘Sir Lot’s O' Laughs’, ran it by my program, and found he had, last night, a ‘PAR’ score of 19% with an average of 11 seconds of laughter per minute. To be fair, he’s a pro who’s been doing this for years; to be even fairer, his set was much more professional and polished than my own. Most important, I enjoyed myself. I did my, 'Shake Hands With The Devil', routine, got to howl like a wolf, explain the '68 position and do a little commentary on the Bible! Overall, I was quite happy with the entire evening!

I must also extend Kudos to the, 'Court Jester' in recognizing, and awarding, the tie for second place. As he said himself;
 "I could have lied about it, but, I told the truth, and it cost me $50.00."
Well done!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Step by Step ...Obsession!


Yes, it’s Tuesday night and I am obsessing. I did work my material, and did elocution exercises till I can now smile in 7 languages! The problem is, really, that I’m working on too much material simultaneously. I’ve got my set for tomorrow night, but I’ve also got one nearly ready for the next week. Of course I now prefer the more recent material, but, feel I must do this one step at a time.


John Cantu, of the ‘Holy City Zoo’, in San Francisco, claims that your first 100 appearances before an audience don’t count; that the first twenty times you attempt stand-up, you shouldn’t even work for, nor expect, any laughter. I like that philosophy, but it carries with it its own difficulties. I’m in this contest, and it is, really, with the audience voting, mostly a popularity contest. In order to get a slot in the grand finale, I have to place 1st or 2nd one of these next three evenings. So, it’s in my best interests to save my best material as long as possible. I don’t take my audience with me to these events. If I’m lucky, my Bride may come to the last show ...if I make it that far. So, I might get one vote, but, I wouldn’t count on even that! My bride has a mind of her own ...a mind that I admire! Stick with the step-by-step approach; don’t change it now!
-----------------------------
Yawn! Now it’s Wednesday morning. Tonight, because Sunday is Valentine’s Day, my theme is romance ...yeah, I know, “Roses are Red,” but tonight, your boy’s going to be blue! Now I have to change my material! I just read the Globe ...and they made an announcement. This may get me in trouble, but I’ll reference it:

“Patrick White


Globe and Mail Update Published on Tuesday, Feb. 09, 2010 7:22PM EST Last updated on Tuesday, Feb. 09, 2010 11:51PM EST


Paris is for lovers – the Paris of the Prairies, that is.


The online retail giant Amazon.ca has named Saskatoon this country’s most romantic city, placing just ahead of Calgary and Victoria.


It’s a welcome distinction for the Saskatchewan city that is perhaps better known as Canada’s most violent metropolis.


“It makes sense,” says local comedian Dez Reed, father of nine children. “You could cash out at any moment here, so we live our romantic lives to the fullest. What could be more romantic than having your wife standing over you while you bleed out into the snow?”


Now I have to reference that! And the possibilities are endless!

“It’s our passion!

If we ain’t fightin’,

We’re F...F... Foolin’ around!”

So, I’ll put it in, and go with the rest. The last couple times I refered to Shakespeare and ancient Sanscrit; neither topic seemed to take wings, so tonight I’m going to try a little chat on the, ‘Sermon on the Mount’. I know; you can see that on television any Sunday morning! But ...this ain’t Sunday, and ...Vangelli’s ain’t no Cathedral!

Wish me, “Bon Voyage” ...and, “Bon Monologue!”

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

A Trifle Twisted!


Two things I have to work on today; memory & elocution. I had noted last week that my mastery of my material was somewhat less than obvious, and my tongue did get tripped up a few times. One of my favourite 'Ron James' moments, was when the great man stumbled in his delivery, (and, to be fair to my admiration for Mr. James, I suspect that it was no slip; just a clever aside! In either case it was hilarious!), and said to the audience, "You think it's hard listening to this crap! Try memorizing it!") So today I will rehearse; it's not enough to memorize it verbatim, you must put your passion into it. If you don't, at the end of the day you will have just the words ...and that's just not enough! If you get your passion down pat, though, the words will come naturally. If anything, you must amplify your passion, way beyond the way you wish to present it on stage. Because, we do tend to 'mute' our emotions on stage; so, amplify now, and trust you can channel it in your act.


As noted earlier, I timed out my last presentation at 6 minutes and 40 seconds in rehearsal; that was including pauses for anticipated laughter. I totalled almost 3 minutes of laughter in that set, which cannot be, 'stepped on'. You cannot contract your pauses; the words you speak are merely conveying the 'construction material', the pauses must be there to allow the audience time to 'develop' the picture you are presenting. So, you can only reduce, refine and accurately articulate your words, in the briefest time possible. In reality, there has never been a funny joke, nor has there ever been a funny comic; humour only occurs as pictures develop in our own minds. As a comic you are merely a conduit of the sparsest, most powerful material, to replicate a picture in your mind, in the collective mind of your audience. That's why most comedy clubs are just a big 'dark room.'

So, today I will be working on memorization and articulation; the memorization I explained above, the articulation exercises are below. Have fun with that!


Mr. Barry, my grade 9 French teacher, (sorry, I failed two courses in High School, French and Typing, as I couldn’t then see what earthly use they’d be to me... I was wrong about typing!), said that North Americans have poor elocution because they have lazy mouths. He then proceeded to stand at the front of the class and give us an elocution exercise... and seemed outraged when we collapsed laughing! He seemed to forget that we were pubescent Grade niners, and, that this was French class. The exercise was for us all to stand and enunciate, “Lips!, Lips!, Lips!, Tip of the tongue!” Indeed, it sounded like a French lesson! But, Mr Barry was right; that exercise, done with proper enunciation, demands more dexterity with the muscles of your lips, tongue and jaw, than most of us are prepared to put into it.

As a speaker you wish to be heard and understood clearly, and, like most other human activities, a little exercise helps. Try Mr. Barry’s exercise; it is a good one, and, I’ll give you a few tongue twisters below to dazzle your friends and family with.

A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.


Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick.


Is this your sister’s sixth zither, sir?


I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit.


A Tudor who tooted a flute tried to tutor two tooters to toot. Said the two to their tutor, “Is it harder to toot or to tutor two tooters to toot?”


I am not the pheasant plucker, I’m the pheasant plucker’s mate. I am only plucking pheasants cause the pheasant plucker’s running late.


Gertie’s great-grandmother grew aghast at Gertie’s grammar.


I need not your needles, they’re needless to me. For kneading of noodles, ‘twere needless, you see. But did my neat knickers but need to be kneed, then I should have need of your needles indeed.


A tree toad loved a she-toad who lived up in a tree. He was a two-toed tree toad, but a three-toed toad was she. The two-toed tree toad tried to win the three-toed she-toad’s heart, for the two-toed tree toad loved the ground that the three-toed tree toad trod. But the two-toed tree toad tried in vain. He couldn’t please her whim. From her tree bower with her three toed power the she-toad vetoed him.


On mules we find two legs behind, and two we find before. We stand behind before we find what those behind be for.


One-One was a racehorse. Two-Two was one, too. When One-One won a race, Two-Two won one too.


If you stick a stock of Liquor in your locker, it’s slick to stick a lock upon your stock. Or some stickler who is slicker will stick you of you liquor if you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.


I saw Esau kissing Kate. I saw Esau, he saw me, and she saw I saw Esau.


You’ve no need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight. For a night-light’s light’s a slight light, and tonight’s a night that’s light. When a night’s light, like tonight’s light, it is really not quite right to light night-lights with their slight lights on a light night like tonight.


Theophilus Thadeus Thistledown, the succesful thistle-sifter, while sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles, thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now, if Theophilus Thadeus Thistledown, the succesful thistle-sifter, thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, see that thou, while sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles, thrust not three thousand thistles through the thick of thy thumb.



Admidst the mists and coldest frosts,
With stoutest wrists and loudest boasts,
He thrusts his fists against the posts,
And still insists he sees the ghosts.


The bottle of perfume that Willy sent
was highly displeasing to Millicent.
Her thanks were so cold
that they quarreled, I'm told
o'er that silly scent Willy sent Millicent.

Betty bought some butter,
but the butter Betty bought was bitter,
so Betty bought some better butter,
and the better butter Betty bought
was better than the bitter butter Betty bought before!


Ed Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not. So it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some say Nott was not shot. But Shott says he shot Nott. Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot. If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot. But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, the shot was Shott, not Nott. However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott - but Nott. So, Ed Nott was shot and that's hot! Is it not?


Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.
Not a punt cut square,
Just a square cut punt.
It's round in the stern and blunt in the front.
Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.

(ed. note: Like that? Think you're good? Try it with a pencil held loosely, but firmly between your teeth!)

Monday, February 8, 2010

Playing With Fire!





“Those who control their Passions,

Do so because their Passions,

Are weak enough to be Controlled!”

William Blake



On the weekend I overheard the winner from last week’s competition; “I don’t know if I’m good enough to win. I just invited all my friends. It’s the way to go!” I couldn’t agree with him more! Bring ‘em on! A comic needs an audience far more than the audience needs a comic. If the audience is not there, neither will be the facility! I like a packed house ...and I don’t care how it’s packed!

I will admit, though, to feeling a little ill tempered! A comic is not his personality; nor is a comic his material. A comic is a fusion of both. The dross of each must be smelted out early to find that perfect fusion. “A forgery?” you might query. Well, yes, it is, indeed, a forgery. A forging of the resilience of iron with brittle bite of steel! Similar, I would say, to the swords prepared by Japanese metallurgic artisans, for the Samurai. The real secret, I’m told, is in the tempering; and, while a comic weapon can only be tempered before a live audience, you must strike while the iron’s hot.

So, I have out my forge and hammer; my bellows stoking the ancient flames, which “burn eternal, yet give no light”. By Wednesday I should be ready to again quench my blade. Then it’s time to:

Wave off these Magpies of self doubt,

Pecking at my liver,

Shake off these iron shackles,

Head to the Promethian Prom at Vangelli’s,

There to serve the, ‘Master’,

And dance naked in the sun!

(ed. note: Nothin' wrong with bein' crazy ...So long as it don't drive ya' Nuts!) 

Thursday, February 4, 2010

So ...you wanna score?


I've just run last night's performance by a little program called, "Comedy Evaluator Pro"; it's featured on the documentary, "I Am Comic", which was released on January 28th of this year. It's a simple program, and gives a 'PAR' (Positive Audience Response) score for any recorded production. It breaks your routine down on a minute by minute basis, giving you not just the number of laughs per minute, but also the duration of each audience response. This is the first time I've tried it, and, it is to 'read 'em and weep'!



My PAR score for the 'Kinky' set was an overall 28, with the average seconds of laughter per minute being 17, and a total of 170 seconds of laughter in ten minutes. That's not bad per se, in fact it is regarded as a competent comic performance. What is disconcerting is that I’d timed my presentation at home to about 6 minutes and 40 seconds, giving pauses where I expected laughs. But, I went 2 minutes over my allotted time; that’s not accounted for by amount of laughter I received. I wasn’t rehearsed sufficiently, and it showed in my pauses and hesitations while grasping for my material; that I will have to work on.



Minute            Number of laughs           Seconds of laughter

1                     2                                     4

2                     2                                     7

3                     6                                     17

4                     7                                     15

5                     5                                     17

6                    10                                    34

7                    4                                      7

8                    3                                      12

9                    7                                      29

10                  8                                      28

For whatever reason, minutes 6, 9 and 10 really cooked; any minute with less than 15 seconds of audience response is of dubious worth, and has to be reworked. I can see now that I’m between a rock and that proverbial ‘hard place’. With a few presentations of this material, it would tighten up considerably, and the PAR would be much higher. However, with just one opportunity to get on stage each week, and occasionally missing four weeks in a row, as was the case in January, it’s hard to attain an optimum standard of quality. It would be best to do the same material every week, tweaking it each time, but I hate to subject an audience to continual re-runs! Oh well, I’ll just have to work on it!

The Gauntlet Tossed Down!


Feb. 3rd came and I went to the, ‘Refuse to Sit Down’ search for ‘Saskatoon’s Funniest New Comic’ contest at Vangelli’s. I got there at 8:00 pm, and there were at least 75 people in attendance already! The ‘Court Jester’ was presiding; a little tired from a nine hour commute! I asked how his line up was shaping up. “We draw for speaking position before the show”, replied the ‘Jester’, sounding a little irritated. John Cantu and his MC at the ‘Holy Zoo’ in San Francisco both claimed that their hatred for comedians came from years of comically fragile egos constantly whining, arguing and making demands on what they considered their ‘right’ to their own preferred speaking slot! I assured him that I didn’t care about my ‘slot’, I was just curious as to how many people were committed to the night’s agenda.


I did have a preference; I’d prefer to do my routine first. The first position is universally hated by comedians; the audience isn’t warmed up yet, and they fear a slow start. Because I’m usually the least experienced, that is the spot I’m used to. It’s also a good thing when you are doing 8 minutes of new, untried material; there’s less chance of getting caught up, in, and distracted, by, the other comics routines. As it turned out we had 8 comics, and I drew the number 8 slot.

First up was a fellow I’ve seen many times before. He’s been doing comedy for a few years, and has a polished repertoire. He does ‘clean’ comedy show throughout the province, and doesn’t appear in bars very often. At one point in his act he talks about swearing, and muses about what Jesus might say if he stubbed his toe in the family carpentry shop. Might he exclaim; “Oh! Myself!”, and, (hopping around on one foot), “Dad Damn It!” He told me that, when he did a gig at a resort a couple hundred miles north of Saskatoon, those exact jokes brought letters of complaint from several outraged patrons! Not quite in the league of, “The seven words you can’t say”, but, I suppose, offensive in the wide ‘Bible Belt’ that encompasses so much of this province.

Second up was a young fellow from a small community way out of town. I had chatted with his sister who was at a table behind mine, and she told me that every one of his friends had come to give him support! That was the reason Vangelli’s was packed at 8:30! There were easily 60 in his entourage, and they filled the entire front of house! The decision is based entirely on the choice of the audience by vote, and I could pick out the winner before the show began!

At 400 lbs. he certainly had stage presence! At the same time he had a personality you could not dislike, and, from what I saw of it, a truly wicked wit! No previous stage experience, no ability with a microphone, and had to run back to his table to retrieve his prop, (a beer), with which he demonstrated how to confound a R.I.D.E. patrol, by hiding it under the drape of his tummy! He did eight minutes, but, if you took out the ‘F’ word, it might reach four. With a little experience, a man to watch!

Third was an old hippy, a little older than myself! People assume that, “Refuse to Sit Down”, means a rugged determination to continue despite audience resistance; and it does. But, it was a clever fellow who coined the title; a fellow who was aware that, ‘Refuse’, is, indeed, garbage! So the title can be interpreted as, “Garbage to Sit Down”, and the rest to stand up. This hippy fell into the latter category. He was a little drunk, and a little obnoxious; he heckled the ‘Jester’ as he was opening the show, and was almost bounced then and there. The house was packed, but it was educational to watch how the audience attention quickly dissolved in the face of amateurish inanity! People did not heckle, they simply began private conversations at their tables, or made a quick trip to the washrooms or smoking area. Our ‘entertainer’ seemed blithely unaware of his own lack of success! The worst part is, he’ll probably be back.

The fourth comic was from BC; prepared, professional and polished with a great personality. I would have had him placed in the top two were it not for the presence of both the young fellow that could hide beer bottles, and, of course, Saskatoon’s own, ‘Crown Prince’. I’ve no idea as to his back ground. A born comic? Perhaps, but, he certainly wasn’t born yesterday, and it seemed to me that he’d used the intervening time to get a little experience. He started by talking about Rider pride, pointed out the current context conveyed by, ‘Pride’, suggested that the Riders weren’t as ‘Rough’ as they’d once been, and offered a new team name; “Rainbow Riders”. You just don’t do that in Saskatchewan! But, it’s been done now ...and done very well!

Fifth was a 31 year old Vet grad from U of S. I’d seen him a month ago, and was impressed by his professional preparation and confidence. At the same time, his material was all presented in ‘paragraph’ style, which doesn’t give the audience much time to offer their input. Big change this time; his style was more conversational, and he maintained his professionalism! A fellow to watch indeed.

Sixth was a chap dressed in Biker chic. Apparently he is opening a new nightclub in Saskatoon. His manner was great, poised and polished. Unfortunately, my time was approaching, and I had to get myself prepared. It is so much nicer to be first; then you can sit back and really pay attention to the others.

Seventh was our own ‘Crown Prince’. He gave a polished performance of some of his best material. He’s a funny guy, but, two of his best traits are his relaxed manner and his boyish charm. It may sound silly, but that big easy grin lets a lot of what might be considered objectionable, slip right home! Well done.

Then my name was announced! My goals for the evening were pretty straight forward. First, to try 8 minutes of new material; I’d had this put together before Christmas, but never got the opportunity to present it. In the last week it got three major revisions. Second; to use the mike in an accomplished manner. And finally, to have a good time; I wanted to entertain the audience, but didn’t entertain any notions of winning.

You have to remember, the average age of those in the audience is about 25, and last night it was, oddly enough, heavily male dominated. My challenge is to connect with that segment of the population, while still being true to myself. If I talk about the concerns of their demographic, I’ll be perceived as either, lecturing, or worse, spurious! So, I began by conceding to them the pleasures of youth; at the same time staking a claim on, ‘Kinky’, as the prerogative of maturity.

“Kinky is a state of mind!

The state of an older mind!

Cause when you hit 50 years,

You have experience and imagination!

But! ...where the Hell's the incentive?!

There’s good reason we call it,

“Bumpin’ Uglies!”



I know; them lines lack luster! But, you didn't hear what came just prior. With any luck, you'll never hear what was said just after! My last time here, I recited a little Shakespeare; the response then did not tempt repetition. So, this time, I thought a little interpretation of ancient Sanskrit might be just the  ticket! I do have to admit that, in a Methuselah moment, I did utter the ‘F’ word into a microphone before a packed house!



My Dr. is an East Indian.

He told me that, for centuries

His people could, “Bring Back the Dead!”

The secret is the Sanskrit word, “Tiger!”

They pronounce it, “Vyaghra”

I said, “But Doc, I have a TV schedule!

I don’t want that fucked up!”

He talked me into trying it.

It’s given me a mission in life!

“To boldly go, where every man’s been before!”



All told a good night. I taped my contribution, but ...more on that later!

(P.S: It was as I expected, the 'Beer Bottle Illusionist' captured 1st place, and our own 'Crown Prince' took 2nd!)