"Abandon Hype All Ye Who Enter Here!"

Steppenwolf

"Eternity is a mere moment; just long enough for a joke!"

Friday, April 30, 2010

Flog That Fool !




I’ve had to give much thought to my appearance at ‘Divas’ last week; my first set went so well, and my second set went so flat. I think I have it figured out. I’d intended to do ‘street’ jokes, as I anticipated that would be what everyone else was doing. When my pals began with their own material I figured, ‘well ...why not?’ In my first set I did stock material, which is just me whining about the irony of an aging process that takes a perfectly fine body and, gradually ...makes a mockery of it. It works well in regular situations, because everyone can identify with it, ...if, (in the case of young people), only by the process of observation. It may work particularly well in a gay bar, where, because of the lifestyle, gay men are especially sensitive to the process. Also the fact that, if you stop and think about it, I’m making fun of yours truly!



"When Comic Worlds Collide"

For my second set I was a little shaken by my conversation across a porcelain urinal. I decided to go with my S&M bit at the last minute, because ...I was dressed for it, and ...well, ...I do think its funny. Two mistakes here; I’d never done it as standalone material, I’ve always bracketed it between really funny stuff, and much of the laughter received before a regular audience may be just of a residual type.

The second mistake may have been the fatal one. I don’t get S&M, so I do find it funny. Originally I put the material together because I had some funny puns and expressions that wouldn’t work anywhere else. In the original draft I described putting my bride in the “S” position, and taking her through the entire procedure. However, prior to doing it in front of an audience, I said, “Stop! I can’t do this ...it’s something I’d never do to my wife, or, for that matter, anyone else! (Well, ...with the exception of a couple boss’s I’ve had! They were ‘Slave drivers’, and ...well ...a man can dream!) So, in the final stage version, I had to admit that I couldn’t go through with such a thing ...a confession which might be termed ... ‘anti-climactic’.

Now, in Divas S&M may have greater acceptance than in a regular bar; while there I did hear references, (on stage), to ‘safety words’, which is ‘lifestyle’ terminology. So ...in hindsight, I see now that I could have been perceived to be ‘mocking’ the lifestyle ...which was not my intent, but, even if it was, would certainly have drained off any humorous connotation in the eyes of the audience.

So, gently chide myself, and see that I don’t make similar mistakes/misjudgements in the future. Cause for foolish self flagellation? I don’t think so, but ...it’s a damn’d poor fool who can’t learn from a mistake!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

A Dicey Fool Indeed!


Sort of a complicated evening it was! Where to start? I had Toastmasters, which kept me preoccupied as I was Chairman, MC, and, sole presenter; I’d always supposed I’d enjoy introducing myself ...I was right. The Theme of the evening was, for some odd reason, ‘A Chorus Line’, (honest folks, I don’t pick ‘em, I just have to work with them!). Everything went well, and, our Chairman for the evening laid down, and adhered to, a tight strict agenda ...something you don’t see much of in these parts! The highlight of my TM evening was in the form of one of our newest members, Manus, a fellow recently arrived from India. For the Impromptu portion of the evening he was challenged to describe the most outstanding feature of the area in which he was raised. Despite the challenges of working with a new language, Manus, did an exceptional job! After the meeting I asked how long ago he’d arrived in Saskatoon, Canada? “Two months ago.”, was his immediate response.



For my presentation I chose to relate the first moment I set eyes upon my bride, and, with a tip of my hat to the evening’s theme, I titled it, “I Met a Gal So Fine ...in A Chorus Line!”:

“It was in a little strip joint on Broadway, (That’s New York, not ToonTown)
Called, ‘The Hot Box Cafe’,
With about 100 people present.
She stepped into the room,
And started dancing, singing and flinging,
Off her clothes!

“Take back your mink!
Take back your Poils!
What made you think,
That I was one of those Goils!?!”

I admitted that, as a red blooded Canadian boy,
I could only watch a red blooded Canadian girl,
Disrobe just so many times before,
My curiosity was ...well ...aroused!”



I met my Bride rehearsing for a musical. I went on to describe the difficulties posed for an admittedly, ‘Clod footed farm boy’, when faced with the challenge of participating in the choreography of a chorus line conducted in a sewer! (You really had to be there ...in the sewer I mean!) Lest any of you suspect that I’m losing my grip, (not much of a stretch, I admit!), I confess that I met my bride rehearsing for a rendition the ultimate Broadway musical, “Guys and Dolls”. I’m not sure why they call it ‘Broadway’; there were ‘Guys’ in the chorus line with them ‘Dolls’! ‘Personway’ strikes me as a more PC term!



Then, seeing that our Chairman managed to bring the meeting in 45 minutes earlier than usual, all agreed to adjourn to the nearest bar. Over a variety of libations I was quizzed on my comedic pastime, and, after the required revelations were made, they suggested that they might like to come see a show. I said that would be fine with me, but, keep in mind that such a performance might fall short of, (some might say beyond), what is commonly considered, ‘Toastmasterful!’

Then I was off to ‘Refuse to Sit Down’, with more than my usual trepidations. The reason for my reservations were twofold; I was presenting ten minutes of what was, for the greater part, new material, and my preparations had fallen short of perfection by way of all the required effort that went into my TM gig. The second reason was of greater concern to me; I was going to do ‘Gay’ material ...ten solid minutes of it. Now, I have seen lots of ‘fag’ humour done in the last year, and, while some of it is funny, it’s not what I’d do myself. My aim was to describe my insecurities, experiences and observations, with, for the most part, the ‘joke’ being on yours truly. The reception of this would be anyone’s guess ...and I could anticipate, without much relish, ten minutes of cold, bleak audience silence ...or worse, but, ...if you don’t try it ...you’ll never find out!

Because of my ‘PostToast’ dalliance I was late arriving at Vangelli’s. The ‘Jester’ was on the mike, opening the show as I entered, and, to my surprise, announced my arrival! To my surprise, I received an ovation! It began with the Comics and staff, and swept the room! OK! It was a ‘sitting ovation’, but, I’ll take my ‘O’s’ any way I can get them!

Good group of perhaps fifty people, with a much better balance of men and women than we’d had last week; too many men in the crowd often really distorts audience reaction. None of the ‘newbies’ I’d hoped would return after their initiation, last week, showed up! Too bad, they did have unfortunate luck in audience reception for their first performance.

It was just the usual suspects, and, I won’t go into much detail. The Master did a set consisting of a character he’s developing; I’d never seen it before, and thought it was great! I asked him about it later and he said he’s been developing it over the last year. Good Stuff!

We had no, ‘Hecklefest’, like we’d experienced last week, and, that’s a good thing. One discordant note arrived as our Jester, between sets, poked an ironic finger at some of the more ...shall we say, ‘questionable’ tenants of the Mormon faith, and, fair enough, all faiths have these, and they should be open to an ironic poke in the eye. Somewhat less tasteful, of course, to poke fun at the people who adhere to them, but ...that wasn’t done last night! However, it saddens me to report that one young lady did ‘flip’ at our Jester for his supposed abuse! Adding to the confusion, the Master hurled a little abuse at the Jester! The fellow sitting with our offended ‘lady’ rushed over, fists cocked, to where the Master was seated, (beside me) and demanded that he cease abusing her!



Now, to me that was just weird! I don’t quite know what their problem was; it’s beyond my ken! However, if I was going to challenge anyone in a bar, ...I think the Master would not be my first choice! He’s ex Canadian Forces, and present street fighter with, I might mention, well established ‘Street Cred,’ and, I might add ...a very funny fellow! To this breach of bar room etiquette the Master turned a bland eye; “I wasn’t abusing the girl ...I was abusing the MC!” Fortunately whatever wind filled this chap's sails dissipated, and, that’s good ...for him!

Just minutes later, I was up; again, for reasons unknown to myself, I was closing the show. The ‘Jester’ detoured from his usual introduction, and gave them a little background on my comic adventures in the ‘Divas’. I was surprised! He hadn’t been there, and I certainly hadn’t had the opportunity to share the information with him. I was bordering on being ‘ticked’ as I wasn’t sure how it would affect the reception of my material, but ...no sense being ‘ticked’, it’s all in good fun, and, besides ...I’d no idea as to how it would be received to begin with!

There had been little in the way of waves of laughter last night; a polite, but quiet audience, with the notable exception of a young lady of colour against the far wall. She was a pleasure to watch as she responded enthusiastically and equally to all; she would be welcome in any audience I stood before. Otherwise, the laughter circled the room randomly, with different groups responding to different things.



After our ‘Mormon’ conundrum, I just couldn’t resist beginning in a ‘punny’ way. The offended couple were still seated with their drinks.

“Ok Folks ...No more men jokes!
No more men period!
In the last week I’ve seen,
More men than I care to admit too!”

The offended parties threw nothing, and, the audience loved it! Then I launched into my ‘gay’ routine, admitting that I wasn’t gay, but had lived each woman’s ultimate fantasy ...that’s right, I’d slept with the Jester!

“But, that wasn’t gay,
We might have Spooned,
But ...we didn’t Fork!
I can only describe it as ...Knife!
But ...Whatever turns your Utensil!”

Great response! One young lady in the front asked me to be ‘less loud’. This, again, is not heckling. I acknowledged her request, and thanked her, adding that it had been years since any lady had winced at the volume of my ‘mike’, ...noting that ‘volume’ is a measure of ‘mass’. Great response! From then on it was like ...a magic carpet ride ...on a wave of laughter! I missed some of my prepared lines, and added some off the cuff; all went over well!

I described what it was like to be ‘queried’ before an audience, as to whether I might enjoy ‘anal lingus’, adding:

“I don’t have much in common,
...With anyone here,
But one thing I have in common,
...With everyone here,
Is the fact that,
...I’ve never ...seen my asshole!
But ...I’ve decided,
...From data gathered,
Daily ...on cheap tissue paper,
...It ain’t pretty!”

When all was said and done the Jester shook my hand and I stepped off stage to applause, and, when I was getting my stuff ready to go home, each of the comics came to shake my hand. A good night, and a roll of the dice that worked, ... but, of course it worked, ...I was Nathan Detroit ...in ‘Guys & Dolls!’


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

...Bouncing Fool!

Twenty-six down, seventy-four to go! It was the second Comedy night at Beily’s; the turnout was better ...perhaps twice what we had the first night. Monday nights are a hard sell anywhere; people are broke and burnt out from the weekend. However, much the same crowd as at Vangelli’s; young and, for the most part, enthusiastic!

I really don’t like the layout in this place; it’s huge with people sitting at tables along the wall behind you, and a huge dance floor immediately in front of the stage, all of which makes it hard to connect with the audience. The ‘mike’ is corded, so you can’t really wander about the dance floor, and, even if you could, with the numbers we’ve been getting, it would be like waltzing about an empty barn! There weren’t many more people at Diva’s the other night, but, their reaction was hugely different, and I believe it was because of the layout. Beyond that, with a couple exceptions, it’s a nice club.

Something I’ve never experienced before, ...annoying security! Their bouncer seems, I’d say sub-cretinous, but that would be doing a disservice to both cretins and subs. Big burly chap, with the emphasis on ‘Big’, and I think that he is just trying to display his own comedic talents while at the same time trying to impress the young lady on the till, but it gets annoying. Just small things; insisting on checking my id each time I enter ...and each time I leave, and, the first night I was there, insisting I get a mark on the back of my hand ...which is fine, except I noticed that no one else had to do it. Last night was more of the same, but this time he wanted to check my cigarettes for drugs, and was insisting that I couldn’t leave until I’d performed on stage, (I’d already been ...and he knew it!). In both the latter cases I just ignored him and went about my business. That however will probably just mean that next time it will accelerate.

Life’s too short to be dealing with assholes; however, the situation will not remain static, it will either get better or worse, and, left to his devices, it ain’t going to get better. Give a little mind a little power...

Friday, April 23, 2010

Almost Blown Off Stage!


Last night the Devil went down to Divas town, but ...the Devil didn’t go down in Divas town; as in most comic escapades, the Devil is in the details. Yes, last night was a true trickster trichotomy, consisting of myself, (Sir Limp-A-Lot), Sir Trent O’ Paisley and our Comic Crown Prince descended on Diva’s Amateur Comedy contest. ‘Divas’ is ToonTown’s only gay nightclub, but, they do invite straight people to all their events. The one possibly discordant note would be that our Crown Prince is hardly an amateur, but, as it turned out, he didn’t emerge from the Comic Closet as the new Queen of Comedy! One word of caution, gentle readers, if you’re looking for Gay bashing ...you’d best look elsewhere.

I’d agreed to meet my companions at Divas at 9:00 pm, and would have made it, but ...I got lost. My GPS landed me about two blocks from the establishment, and I set out on foot. I’d expected a billboard at an entrance off 3rd Avenue, but such was not the case. Finally, risking my masculinity, I had to break down and ask for directions. This presented a challenge; here I was, a comic in a black leather kilt and pink dress shirt, asking apparently macho men on the street, for directions to a Gay Nightclub! I did receive odd looks, but ...that can be expected when you look odd! Finally two tattooed ladies directed me down a back alley, and, sure enough, smoking a cigarette outside an unmarked door, was ‘Crystal’, who, as it turned out, was our MC for the evening. I was half an hour late, but just in time for the five minute warning.

I’m unfamiliar with the protocol in this type of place, and was asked for ID before being allowed in. The doorman, a very large, very healthy tattooed chap, explained that this was not to check my age ...they take the names of all who enter. Once ‘buzzed’ in I quickly located my pals, and the event commenced. It was unusual; anyone wishing to participate had to place their name in a hat, and contestants were drawn and called up three at a time. In total twelve names were drawn in four separate rounds, and the winner of each went on to the final round.

Crystal, our MC was more than just a little merciless in her diatribes against ‘straights’, and our table immediately became her obvious focal point. But that’s OK! I was there to entertain and be entertained, and he/she was indeed entertaining; no drinks were thrown and no glasses broken. The rules were explained; each participant received a drink coupon, the winner of the evening received a $35 bar tab, winners were selected by audience response, and our MC reserved the right to overturn audience decisions.

Trent got picked for the first round; Crystal interviewed each contestant prior to their going on stage. Myself and the Prince heartily enjoyed watching him raked over the coals for his ‘choice’. He was grilled on whether or not he’d ever ‘experimented’, and, when he admitted to being, occasionally, a little ‘premature’, got a thorough going over. Appropriately, he did his ‘barbeque’ routine; it was well received, but he did not get to go on to the next level.

To be fair, with the exception of ourselves, all the contestants presented ‘street jokes’, and that’s OK, this event was for amateurs. The fellow who won Trent’s round was the same doorman who’d taken my name; he told the only joke of the evening that I’d not heard before:

“What’s the difference between eating mashed potatoes,
And eating pussy?”
“Mashed potatoes don’t make their own gravey!”



In the next round our Prince’s name came out of the hat, and he was, as always, a real crowd pleaser, winning easily. Crystal seemed enthralled with him, offering to help him win, help him drink his winnings, and explore further possibilities the evening might offer! Our Prince took it all with his charming smile, objecting only that, ...he doesn’t drink! The abuse directed at us was continuous throughout the evening, but ...hey ...it’s attention! When our Prince returned to our table I smiled and told him that I thought he’d found a new ‘FaceBook’ friend.

None of us were drinking last night, but both pals forced their free tickets on me. I informed them that I hadn’t come to a Gay bar to be bought drinks by ‘straights’. Then it was time for a break, and all the smokers headed out to the alley. Joking aside, all the people I met last night were great, and I wasn’t my usual reclusive self. I’d forgotten to mention that prior to the break, a fellow was introduced who was doing ‘stand-up’ for the first time; he wasn’t competing in the contest. He was having a smoke so I shook his hand and said that he’d done a great job. We chatted, and he’d just gotten to the point of mentioning that my shoes looked like Cop shoes! “Oh no!” thought I, “Not the Cop issue again!” But, I was saved by the Belle! A young lady came up, kissed the comic, turned to me and said, “You look familiar! ...James!”

She was a lady from New Zealand I’d worked with at my former job at MISI. We quickly got re-acquainted, then, when we went inside, I gave her one of my free drink tickets. I kinda’ liked the comic I’d talked with, but, as I was soon to learn, ...not as much as he liked me! Inside I was disappointed not to be selected for the third round. Then my name was the second drawn for the fourth!



My interview! It was fun. I was, if you’ll forgive the pun, ‘Queried’, as to my orientation. I replied that, “I’m as straight as my Pecker! But ...I’m fifty, and ...it droops!” Next I was asked if I was single; “That’s what I tell everybody ...except my wife!” Next, a little analysis of my experience; had I ever ...well ... ‘taken it like a man'?’ When I responded in the negative, our MC, Crystal, launched into the suggestion that I might expand, if not my horizons, at least my anal sphincter! Then, if I wasn’t willing to enjoy a ‘full moon’, (and here I must insist that it wouldn’t be just wolves you’d hear howlin’!), then, at the very least, a little digital prostate stimulation might improve my performance! “You should ask your doctor,” Crystal intoned, as she handed me the mike, “he might suggest it!” What could a man, mike in hand, say? I smiled at the audience and replied; “My Dr. didn’t suggest, ...he demonstrated!” Waiting for the roar to subside I had plenty of time to take a good look at the room.

Interesting; long narrow space before me, and, something I’d never experienced, a balcony, filled with expectant faces, along the entire length of the second floor. Then, the laughter stopped, and I began:

“Evening everyone ...it’s great to be at ‘Divas’”

(Somehow I managed to mispronounce the name of the bar, giving it a long ‘I’ vowel, rather than the intended long ‘E’! This was quickly pointed out, and I apologised!)

“Sorry ...but I’m a ‘muff’ man!”

(Another opportunity to gaze about the room!)

It quickly devolved from bad to atrocious!

“Lotta’ good looking girls here tonight, but, sorry ladies, Mature women are the Best! ...”

On it went; the audience loved it! The most enthusiastic response came from the staff at the bar. Finally it was over, and I found that our MC was no ‘diamond in the rough’, merely a rather ‘flawed crystal’. When I was announced winner, he/she gave the other two contestants their drink tickets, but refused mine! I protested; not that I wanted the ticket, but, come on, rules is rules! He/she almost spat at me, “You’ll get yours ...if you win the next level!” Hmmm ...some folks just can’t take a joke ...our Crystal struck me as sort of a ‘Pissy Missy’!



Then, nature drew me upstairs. When I was a kid I suffered from, ‘stage fright’; I had difficulties peeing in public. Not so much now, but ...a double whammy; diabetes makes me need to pass water all the time & the beginnings of a little prostate problem make it difficult all the time. Two urinals and one occupied by the first time comic I’d talked to over a smoke. No problem, but, the eternal question rears its ugly head. “Are you wearing your kilt in the traditional manner?” I’m distracted at the moment; my hands are full, and so is my bladder ...water under the bridge/over the bridge, I don’t care ...just so it goes! Should have thought, but no; “Do we wear anything under the kilt? ...Well, I can’t speak for the rest of us, but ...the best of us wear just a touch of lip gloss!”

“Ok”, he responds, “I’ll go get mine, or, you can have it bare skin!” I haven’t been propositioned by a man since I was a teenager, and my thoughts on the matter haven’t changed! “Still Hetro after all these years!” My first thought is to say, “Look buddy, you’re a comic. You can beat my jokes, you can beat my timing, you can beat my stage presence ...but, ...you can’t beat my meat!” No ...a little to Cocky! So instead, “Sorry buddy, but like I said on stage ...I’m married!” He seems apologetic; “Oh! ...I thought you were lying ...like everybody else!” He leaves, and leaves me thinking; “Some Stand-up comic, if your best stage time is on your knees in a public washroom!” Mine is not an ... ‘Open Mike!’



A little shaken, (and, in a kilt you should always ...shake!), I nip out for a smoke, (Not ‘after’ but ‘instead’!) hardly get it lit, and I’m called back in for the finals, where, comedicly speaking, I fall flat on my ass! Oh well! I finally get my drink ticket, a T-shirt, and a couple of light pendants with the ‘Divas’ logo. Our Prince takes second place, not deservedly so, but, remember that ‘overrule’ rule. I have two drink tickets to dispose of, so pass them off to a couple of fellows I’d talked to earlier in the evening, and headed for my car. I’d like to tell you that I drove off alone, but, no; I took another gay guy with me, but ...that’s another long story!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Coming Up Roses!


Another fun filled Wednesday night in ToonTown! Hit Toastmasters at 7:00 pm and enjoyed a very ‘punny’ evening. I had to do an evaluation for a presentation by ‘Steve’ a new member, and an awesome job he made of it. He adopted a high tone right off the bat, delving into his quest to find meaning in life after being confronted with the untimely demise of his brother to cancer. It is difficult for a beginning speaker to carry such a tone throughout a presentation, but, ‘Steve’ carried it ...and carried it with ...aplomb.

The remainder of the evening was highly entertaining, with Yours Truly ...(Facetiously?) maladroitly mangling the English Language. Then it was off to ‘Refuse to Sit Down’; quite a contrast I admit, but Hermes is the God of Speakers, Comics and, coincidentally, boundaries and the people who cross them. So I feel free to cross those boundaries and leave the breach hermetically sealed, after all, “East is East & West is West and never the Twit shall meet ...unless ...there’s another Twit on the same Twack!

At ‘Refuse to Sit Down’ I found what I might describe as a respectable crowd ...except ...they weren’t respectable at all! But they were fun ...and that’s important in a crowd. I couldn’t believe the line up of comics ...they’d really crawled out of the woodwork! Most of the old timers were most noticeable by their absence, and, in their stead, a bunch of fresh new faces!

I was met at the door by our Jester, who’s had a week at home, but heads off today for an appointment in Edmonton at Yuk-Yuks, and then on to Vancouver for a couple of gigs with Laff Shop. A lot of travelling for a couple hours stage time, but, in this neck of the woods, if you wish to stand up ...you have to be prepared to sit down behind the wheel for hours on end ...(rear end?)

First up was a new face, and an act I can only describe as bizarre! The Jester described it better as “White Trash Don Rickles”. This guy just heckled from the stage ...he got lots of audience response, though none that I’d want emulated for my own benefit. He kept referring to the Jester as, ‘That fag that introduced me’, which, to my mind, lacked both accuracy and discretion! He fixated on a young lady in the front row with a constant barrage of drooling references to her apparently ample bosom. A man lacking both charm and sensitivity! Once off stage he continued heckling from the back of the room and had strip after strip taken off him by our Jester and some of the following comics. It was a difficult crowd last night ...but ...and it’s a big "But" you generally get the audience you deserve. However, the continual bombardment of caustic comic castigation gave real challenge to comics of better intent.



Next up was the Master; I’d much enjoyed his set on Monday, but tonight’s offering was dredged up from the opposite end of his comic repertoire. Audience response ...poor at best, and some of the loudest, rudest and most enthusiastic heckling that I’d ever seen! All water off the Master’s back and I’m sure he had his reasons ...but I’m not privy to them.

Next were two newbies, each about 19, and their reception would have been much better had it not been for the two they followed, but, as it was, they were tolerated. They had put a lot of work into their material, and I really wish that they’d been up before all the fireworks erupted. Both get my admiration for persevering under far less than ideal circumstances. After the show I went up to each, congratulated them and added that I really hoped that they would return.

Then the Jester put up Joel Jefferies to quell the waters, and, it worked to some extent. Much of the problem with the audience, aside from that engendered by the comics, was the fact that the place was only half full, with no one immediately before the stage, and the rest dispersed through the entire room. Joel did well, but, while there was no heckling, there was a constant drone of conversation from the room.

Next up was the establishment’s regular bartender, Barry, for his second time. I’d seen his first foray; he’d been extremely nervous and less than ideally prepared. By his display last night it had been a hard learned lesson, but learned well none the less. The man was funny! Bright original material, and very well presented. My favourite bit was when he described waking up in a Calgary hotel and finding, to his horror, that he’d slept with a hermaphrodite! “Oh well!”, he intoned, “I wrote it off as my first threesome!” When he came offstage I shook his hand and assured him that, despite a cold audience, he’d been hot. Best of all, he seemed pleased with his performance.



Next, the irrepressible ‘Shandy’, a great guy, and a comic of the ‘shock’ variety. His third appearance; I’d seen his first, and he’d been heckled unmercifully, but ...Shandy likes it rough, and, in my opinion, goes so far as to promote the response! He is a member of an impromptu troupe at the university which conducts its rehearsals in a converted church. Last night he was very good, and I told him so myself. The highlight of his set was his describing how he’d conducted a christening in his converted church, but, as he admitted, it hadn’t gone well:


“Its skull was soft and unformed!
The Champaign bottle wouldn’t break!
So I had to do it the old fashioned way,
I held it under water!”

There were a few more, too numerous to mention, and, as it turned out, I got to close the show; a first for me I might add! I’d been watching this comic riot unfold, and, truth be told, had some misgivings. Lars Calieux has just returned from his comedy tour in Afghanistan, and described how the soldiers were under orders to bring their weapons to all the shows, as well as how he hoped that, under those circumstances, they’d refrain from heckling! Despite the different calibre of hecklers ...I knew just how he felt!

Heckler & Kosh
"Perfect for a Fire Fight
In a Phone Booth!"

But, as it turned out, everything went well; I don’t think so much out of respect for my material and delivery, as from respect for all my grey hair! Background conversation was minimal; I had their attention, and even received polite laughter. I did some old and some new, nothing borrowed ...nothing blue. I did my Tiger Woods bit and was pleased with its reception.


“Man! April ...and people golfing!
Even Tiger Woods is playing a round.
He and Ellen are splitting.
It's not Tiger's fault!
Instead of Nike ...he should have endorsed Pfizer!
It was their marketing team
That came up with the name Viagra!
Which is Sanskrit for “Tiger”,
No wonder Tigers got Wood!
Between his name ...and his billion dollars,
One woman couldn’t keep him happy!
...Unless he found one,
...With eighteen holes!
...Now that would be cool!
“Roll over Honey!
Tonight I’m playing the back nine!


It went well, and I was pleased with the evening. I just hope that there aren’t too many like it in the future; it’s just not a great rut to fall into. Our Jester says that it’s because there are so many newbies; myself ...I’m not so sure ...it don’t take many rotten apples to spoil the barrel ...and that’s fair to neither audience nor comic. I think that my skins thick enough that none of it bothers me, but ...that was not always so; if it had been like that when I started ...I might have stopped!


Interesting length of time before me; I get to play the ‘Laff Stop’ this April 29th ...its ToonTown’s only Pro Comedy show, every Friday and Saturday evening. The Master has asked me to accompany him to a show in Clavet on May 8th. Beyond those two, I’ll have both ‘Refuse to Sit Down’, and ‘Laff Trax Comedy Theatre’ every Mon. And Wed. Things are looking good.


Tonight though will be straight, (perhaps not so straight!), R & R. Saskatoon’s only gay bar is having an amateur comedy night, run by a local Drag Queen! I’ll be Dressed to Kilt! I’m just wondering if the boys will flirt ...with a Scot in a Skirt!? Guess there’s only one way to find out!


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Not Myself Without My Budz!


24 down on 420; that means just 76 to go and I’ll have reached my ‘first step’ goal of 100 comic performances. The event was the first Pro/Am show for the LaffTrax Comedy Theatre at Beily’s on 8th street. The event was not well attended, but, that is to be expected as it was their first night, it was a Monday night in the middle of mid-term exams, and, apparently, it was not well promoted.

This event was put in order by the Master; LaffTrax is his own company, and the man himself was present last night in fine form. I do like the room, but the seating arrangements are irregular, and it will be interesting to see how it all works out when they begin getting full houses. As it was there were only about 40 in attendance, plus the usual retinue of comics. The comic participants were, in order of appearance, Sir Trent O’ Paisley, Sir Lot’s O’ Laughs, Sir Limp-A- Lot, the Jester, the Crown Prince and, of course, the Master.

Ironic that on 4-20, at Beily’s, a young fellow I know, Shandy, tucked a cellophane package into my tobacco pouch, and said, “Roll us up one James.” Just the type of order I’m usually more than pleased to comply with, but, this time, unfortunately, I had to reply that, “I can roll one for you, but I just can’t help you smoke it!” Poor Shandy was taken aback ...as was the little cellophane package! It left me feeling like the life of the party ...not!



James hit the 'Gallows Grass' Wall!

The sacrifices I make for my employers! They’ve just instituted ‘piss’ tests at work, supposedly on a random basis; we just have no idea how that is going to work. That being the case, this fool is now amongst the unwilling abstentious! I asked my Dr. about it yesterday; he seemed amazed, “You never told me that you use drugs!”, he said! I told him that I’d thought that I’d made it pretty clear on my last visit, just one month ago, when I’d asked whether he could wrangle me a prescription for medical marijuana! He’d told me then that he could only do that if I had cancer; ...didn’t strike me then as a satisfactory trade-off!

I wouldn’t mind if they used the saliva test; that just indicates whether or not you’ve used in the last 6 hours, and I don’t indulge on the job, or before the job, (unless it’s an emergency!) But it will most likely be the urine test and that will nail you for anything you’ve done in at least the last 30 days. If asked, I love to say to the, ‘Blued eyed boy from Brazil,’, “Glad to Boss, but, it takes both hands to control this fire hose, so, if you’d just back off a few feet, and hold that Dixie cup, ...I’ll be happy to fill it for you!” However, I need the money, and I like the winters off, so it’s ... “High?No!, High?No! ...it’s straight to work I go!”

Otherwise it was a pretty good night; Trent had talked about Tiger Woods, so I’d almost decided to begin with a couple tiger jokes of my own, but, when the Jester introduced me he talked about it being 4-20 and the fact that it was also Hitler’s birthday! This followed by a few ironic ‘jew’ jokes; ...sorry ...just could not resist!

“Evening folks,
I must be back in Saskatoon.
I didn’t hear any Hitler,
Or ‘Jew Burning’ jokes,
In Edmonton!
...Anybody know the difference,
Between a jew,
And a roach?
...People generally save roaches,
...From the ashtray!”

I wished that I’d saved it for the last of my set! Wave after wave of laughter! Nothing else I did even came close!

"The Rigors of Marijuana Mortis!"

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Shakiest Clown in ToonTown!


It’s been a good news/bad news kinda’ week. Good news is that on April 19th we have a new comedy venue starting up in Saskatoon. That is a Laff Trax Comedy Theatre night at Beily’s on 8th street. It is billed as a Pro-am event which will host well known comedians as well as local amateurs. That should be good ...a chance to be on a comedy stage twice a week.

The other good news is that I heard I have a spot in the Great Plains Comedy Festival this year. This event is again run by Laff Trax Comedy Theatre, and runs the week up to and including June 19th. So I have quite a bit to look forward to in the next couple of months.

Bad news is ...I chickened out last night! I had intended to go to ‘Refuse to Sit Down’, so I went in to ToonTown and attended Toastmasters. I gave a presentation there concerning how, since I was a kid I’d suffered from what was then termed ‘shyness’, and more recently as ‘low self esteem’, but what I call Social Retardation! I talked about how it had affected me in public school, high school and university; really my entire life, and never showed any improvement until I began taking steps to correct the problem at about the age of thirty!

It went over well, and people were not only surprised by the admission, but seemed entertained by it as too. I left at 9:00 with full intentions of proceeding to Vangelli’s, started out in that direction, but, about half way there the wind went out of my sails! That’s odd for a fellow who tends to be long winded! Confession is supposed to be good for the soul, but it certainly didn’t do much for my spine. I was tired and I wasn’t entirely happy with my prepared material for the evening, but ...I’m generally tired, and, as a rule, never happy with my material. It certainly wasn’t stage fright, but, I just decided to grab a cup of coffee and high tail it for Kinley. I won’t worry about it just this once, but ...I can’t let it become a trend!



There are too many real things in the world to be frightened of; I’ve been following the adventures of comedian Lars Callieou on tour in Iraq, (see link below), and was fascinated by his tales of ‘Sand Spiders’. Now that’s frightening! Just imagine ...you’re in a foreign desert, 35 – 40 degrees Celsius, have to worry about IED’s, bullets and rocket propelled grenades, then, just to top it all off, Sand Spiders! When you see that you realize that we have very little to quibble about at home here in Canada.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/notes/lars-callieou/iraq-daily-blog-day-7-babylon-and-a-mackie/10150157306955647



"In the Middle East, it is widely rumored among American and coalition military forces stationed there that Solifugae will feed on living human flesh. The story goes that the creature will inject some anaesthetizing venom into the exposed skin of its sleeping victim, then feed voraciously, leaving the victim to awaken with a gaping wound. Solifugae, however, do not produce such an anaesthetic, and they do not attack prey larger than themselves unless threatened. Other stories include tales of them leaping into the air, disemboweling camels, screaming, and running alongside moving humvees; all of these tales are dubious at best. Due to their bizarre appearance many people are startled or even afraid of them. This fear was sufficient to drive a family from their home when one was discovered in a soldier's house in Colchester, England.[5] The greatest threat they pose to humans, however, is their bite in self-defense when one tries to handle them. There is essentially no chance of death directly caused by the bite, but, due to the strong muscles of their chelicerae, they can produce a proportionately large, ragged wound that is prone to infection.”

Monday, April 12, 2010

... Wilde About Larry!



Your material is your 'baby', and, as such, you have to give a lot of thought to it's proper delivery. I've put a little thought into the matter, but got reading a book by Larry Wilde, and he says it better than I've been able to. Wilde, a motivational humourist, has written many books; two that I'd suggest are, "How The Great Comedy Writers Create Laughter", and, "The Great Comedians Talk About Comedy." I'd suggest either and/or both. An excerpt of his, below, addresses proper delivery.

It’s All In The Telling:

The old adage “it’s now what you say but how you say it,” is the very essence of communicating humour. Tone of voice is all important. People respond more to the tone than to the words. The funniest joke in the world will not receive its just due when obstructed by poor delivery.


Delivery is the articulating of words in a manner or style that is convincing, authoritative, dramatic and entertaining.
In delivering a joke, listeners respond strongly to the tone used by the joke teller. The storyteller must get the essence of the subject matter across in a simple and direct manner. This is particularly important in verbal communication but especially critical when the goal is to evoke laughter.


Benefits of Good Delivery
There are at least four major benefits when comedy material is well delivered:
The deliverer commands attention.
An audience becomes totally absorbed in the words used and is mesmerized by the tone in which they are expressed. They eagerly await each word and are caught up in the fervor, sincerity and enthusiasm of the performance. A good delivery captures attention and holds it.

Intimacy is established with the audience.
Good delivery conveys authority. If the words are convincing, exciting and entertaining, the audience is won over and they are anxious to hear every detail. A smooth, polished delivery establishes a closer rapport with the audience and makes listening a pleasureful experience.

The audience laughs more easily.
When people are induced to listen closely because of how something is said they automatically absorb what is said more easily. It is vital that the speaker use every available device to insure that listeners understand each word. When clear comedic thoughts are expertly communicated the audience will respond. Good delivery paves the way to laughter.

Competency is conveyed.
The audience senses that the speaker knows what he or she is doing. Self-assurance is perceived and the humorist gains respect. People willingly dismiss whatever reservations or doubts the might have had. They feel safe and comfortable. The performer becomes their leader, their guide, their guru, a person they can admire.
An audience will eagerly and anxiously surrender its emotions to someone they trust. A strong, dynamic style captivates an audience. It conveys confidence and believability. But most of all, good delivery makes a statement: I am competent, skilled and gifted.

Elements Of Good Delivery

Gestures.
The calculated use of hands and arms in invaluable. Pointing a finger, making a fist, holding up the hands or waving the arms at an appropriate moment helps to accentuate the meaning of what you’re trying to convey. The gesture is the speaker’s picture-painting device, and the premier technique for reaching across the distance between you and the audience. Gestures demonstrate. The dramatically illustrate and emphasize what you are saying.
For a real education in the art of gesturing, watch the great pantomimist, Marcel Marceau. After an evening with this French virtuoso, you’ll very quickly understand and appreciate the importance of movement. It is the body’s silent articulation.



Body movement.
The acts of posturing, posing, strutting, staggering, shrugging, bending, kneeling, leaning or bowing assist in creating the word pictures your are trying to paint. Body language is the message behind the words. It’s been said that true communication is:
7% words
38% voice quality
55% body language.
Facial Expressions.
The simple raising of an eyebrow, squinting, sneering, smiling, grinning, any use of facial muscles provides an additional dynamic dimension to what you are saying. You help the joke with action. An animated, expressive face prompts listeners to laughter.

Vocal Variety.
Lowering or raising the pitch of you voice, speaking louder or softer, saying something sweetly, respectfully, angrily, shouting, whispering or pausing for effect are attention getters. Imagine how flat music would sound if it had no dynamics – no exciting crescendo or breathless pianissimos. In the same manner that dynamics add fire to music, vocal variety adds excitement to the spoken word. A well-modulated voice is stimulating and evocative, whereas a dull monotone speaker is a boring communicator with a ho-hum delivery.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

“Inter faeces et urinam nascimur.”


Well, I did the Division Level International Contest, and it was, well ...fun! It was in a fairly large room, with seating for perhaps 70, and possibly 50 in attendance. Suggestions for the set up? Well, they had the audience too close to the performer, one step back and you were against the wall; one step forward and you’d breach an audience member’s personal space in a highly inappropriate manner. A touch I’d never seen before was a hand mike and stand provided for any who cared to use it. The Contest Chair seemed disappointed that no one wished to make use of this speaker’s implement! But, as several of the other speakers pointed out, they had no experience with one; as this speaker pointed out, I had no advance notice that it would be provided for our use; I’d have loved to have use it, but that would mean having to rethink all my gestures and voice dynamics on the fly! That would hardly be satisfactory, to speaker or audience, in a contest performance.


There were only 6 contestants, but, they were all quite good. I got the number 5 speaking slot. There were eleven judges, and I didn’t pay attention to who they might have been. Most of the speeches were of a motivational nature, with a couple being motivational testaments to the wonders of Toastmasters; mine was, as I’ve mentioned before, purely inspirational. I’m afraid that I didn’t pay too much attention to the first four speakers, as I was trying to stay centered on my own material.

I’m pleased that my material went pretty much the way I expected it to, and, despite unexpected circumstance, I managed to get through it without any screw ups, in a manner that I was satisfied with. The unexpected circumstance was that I got a muscle spasm in my lower back right at the beginning; I thought for a moment that I might not be able to complete my seven minutes. It only lasted for perhaps thirty seconds, and, while my voice broke up a little, and I would have been very interested in seeing how my face reacted to the pain, I managed to carry on ...very relieved when it dissipated!

I’d titled my piece, “First Place”, and, as expected, I got to walk on stage to laughter and applause, when it seemed that the Contest Chair was not just announcing me, but announcing me winner! More laughter when I thanked him for his kind words, but cautioned that he was, “A little premature perhaps, but, ...I couldn’t argue with him!” My, ‘Who flung Dung’, routine seemed to go over well, with the audience responding well as I tossed imaginary Buffalo Shit about the stage. Good reaction too, as I described how we cure drug use in the work place by having those, “boys”, piss in a Dixie cup! “Earthy audience?” you might ask. I’d say yes, but not nearly so earthy as their speaker, who believes that that is just the way human existence is bracketed, and who tipped his hat to St. Augustine, who is famous for his quote, “Inter faeces et urinam nascimur.”

My ‘hero’ bit went just as I’d intended; people laughed when I described him as an old man who put in drainage tile on my parent’s farm. Describing him as a ‘scared child of ten, weeping at the beginning of the great depression’, took them much further south, and intimating that he had chemical dependence issues, took them all the way to the land of cotton! Then, letting them know that bill was a paraplegic who adapted to a self-supporting life-style during the depression when there were really no support systems in effect, and continued that life-style till his late sixties, took them all the way! My point being, while I agree with Augustine, there are a lot of hero’s and miracles, “inter faeces et urinam.”



The highlight of my day was the interview after the contest; I’d filled out a sheet for the Contest Chair, prior to the contest beginning, with a wide variety of material he could draw upon for his questions, and I’d prepared sets of material for whatever he might chose! He asked me a simple question, “You mention that you like travel, James, could you tell us something about that?

“Mr. Contest Chair; ...Your question leaves me feeling like
That Mosquito that got blown into a nudist colony!
...Where do I begin!?!”


From there I continued for two or three minutes with constant waves of laughter from the audience! After the contest one of the other contestants cornered me and asked, “You’re a Stand-Up comic. Where do you work? Yuk-Yuks? I answered, I am. Strictly amateur, and I work anywhere. All told, not a bad day, but, as it turned out, my First Place was actually Third Place. Oh well! It’s not the first time I’ve misnamed a presentation ...I’m bad with misnoumers!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

...Fools Rush In!


Two and a half weeks without a comedy ‘fix’; I was Jonesing real bad, so it was great to toddle into Vangelli’s last night. I’d spent the early part of the evening at Toastmasters; a great aperitif, but now it was time for meat and potatoes! The crowd was small, with no one sitting in front of the stage, but ranged at tables throughout the bar, with quite a few right at the back.

Our Jester had made it back, finally, from his Alberta meanderings, but there weren’t many comics in attendance. I met ‘Sir Lot’s O’ Laughs’ at the door, and inside were ‘Sir Trent O’ Paisley’, and, for our main act, ‘The Black Knight’, a fellow of whom I’m particularly fond. I was feeling rusty, having not worked my material since I got back from Alberta; I’ve been too busy with other little projects.

First up was that ‘Hippy’ from the first week of the comedy contest ...the one I figured would be back! He had a loudspeaker set-up with him, a headset, and an electric guitar; he set these up, and placed the stage mike before them. To say his act was ‘bizarre’ would be doing it a kindness it didn’t merit; he played a few riffs, then called a good looking lady up on stage to hold hands with him as he sang a song. He chided a few in the crowd for talking during his ‘act’, then, called up a young fellow to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to him, asked for a lighter from the audience that the young fellow could hold alight during the song, then blow out at the conclusion. Then, he decided to sing another song, about unzipping the Easter Bunny, before singing the birthday song! The young chap stood there politely, holding his lighter throughout! Then it was over; I suspect that the ‘hippie’ kept all his ‘Easter Eggs’ in one basket ...but ...somebody dropped the basket!



It was a relief to have Sir Paisley take the stage. He gave a strong rendition of his set, did well, and looked confident and in control throughout. Then I was on, and I did a Hodge Podge of old and new; the audience liked my admission that I’d slept with our Jester.

“Ladies, I don’t like to boast,
But, I’ve lived your favourite fantasy!
I slept with the Jester!
Just once,
And that was in Calgary,
So it doesn’t really count.
I was hoping no one would find out,
But my wife heard about it,
And asked how it was!
I said, “Honey, he’ll never replace you!
......Willingly!”

Then Sir Lot’s O’ Laughs was up for a quick set, and, finally, The Black Knight. He began by saying how he dreaded ‘open mike’ nights, because, you just never know how it will go. However, he admitted, it was great to have an opening act like we had last night, because then you just knew, that no matter how awful your own set might be, it couldn’t possibly be worse than what you were following! Our Black Knight is a pro, and it showed; his comments were mainly just observations of the evening, but, he kept the audience laughing. At one point a lady bought him a beer and brought it to the stage.


This was an interesting woman; I’d thought that she knew Sir Paisley, because she came over to our table and sat with him. When I came off stage I was headed out to the parking lot for a fresh air moment when she asked me, “What’s your sign?” I paused, traced a rectangle on my chest, and said, “Free to a good home!” The Black Knight was sitting behind her, and doubled over laughing, telling me that that was the best line of the night! I later found out that she’d started to ‘heckle’ me while I was on stage, but Sir Paisley and the Black Knight had shut her up! I told Sir Paisley not to bother in the future; heckling is something you have to face, and it seems to me that you’d be best to face right here on your home turf. If you can’t handle it there, you’ll never handle it anywhere! Besides, if her idea of heckling was to ask what my sign was, it wasn’t really heckling at all, and I would have handled it just as I did off stage, but might have asked if she had a good home!

All told a good evening, and it will happen again next week! I’ll get my Toastmasters contest out of the way this Saturday, and then will have time to put together a more polished set.