My title for my humorous speech was, “Late Bloomers”, and in the speech I talked about the education system, my own experiences in University, and both my difficulties and eventual success in getting my daughter to University.
My Alma Mater began as an Agricultural College,
And later added a veterinarian college,
Before attaining its’ accreditation.
I called it old ‘FU’, or,
Farmer University;
Others weren’t as kind.
They called it, ‘U of Moo’,
Or, worse ‘U of Goo’,
And, occasionally,
‘U of Moo Goo’.
I graduated, and attained my BS,
That may sound harsh, but,
As any competent farmer knows,
It’s the hay that’s been through the bull,
That puts the bloom,
On the rose!
I left old FU behind,
Older and more manure!
I’d like to tell you that it was a tremendous success, and I won the applause and admiration of all in the room, but ...such was not the case! There I was, in front of a packed room, and I couldn’t seem to be able to scrape together a chuckle, chortle, or guffaw! If memory serves, I did manage to elicit two broad groans, but I can’t really say that this was an expression of appreciation; it might well have been the audience’s note of exasperation at the burden that was being foisted upon them! I found it a little disquieting; even the host of Angels I’d faced on Sunday evening had expressed polite applause!
I concluded my speech as follows:
Nothing gave me greater pleasure than her phone call,
At the end of her first week.
Her joy resonated through the phone line,
“Dad,” she said, “This is where I belong!”
Yes, she is blooming in University,
At a time when the majority of graduates are female.
When I went, university was the preserve of the Alpha Male!
And the majority of graduates were men.
But I was no Alpha Male!
I was just a farm boy,
You might say, a hayseed!
Which makes me, at best,
“Alfalpha Male!”
On the up side, while seven and a half minutes can seem an eternity, it does eventually wheeze its’ way to an expiration, and my time was no exception to that rule. Actually, the seven minute and thirty second mark loomed suddenly, and just a little sooner than I’d anticipated; while I haven’t had confirmation of the possibility, I just may have exceeded the maximum time, and been disqualified. That really wouldn’t bother me, but, the fact that I didn’t seem to get any laughter ...does! This was a sober crowd, and I’ve been mainly been performing in bars; perhaps my humour only sinks in when filtered through several layers of beer!
The two ladies who placed first and second were very good. The first talked about, (as so many do), about the hilarity she found in giving birth. Second place talked about the quirky little thing we remember about occasions and events experienced long in the past.
At the intermission it was getting quite late, so I informed the Chief Judge that I would participate in the Impromptu contest, but would be leaving immediately after completing my role. Impromptu speaking is dreaded by many, and for good reason; you are called to the front of the room where, in front of the audience, the Contest Chair introduces you and announces the topic you are to address! Then they walk off stage, leaving you to perform. The topic I was given was, “Which do you consider superior, living in a rural or an urban setting?
To me the question was perfect! I was raised on a farm, and currently live in a hamlet of 42 people, so, I quickly summed up the pros and cons of both lifestyles, and then admitted that, while my wife and I both loved the cultural and entertainment possibilities of a city like Saskatoon, we preferred to live out where the deer and antelope play, where bears walk through our back yard, and every evening we drift off to sleep serenaded by coyotes. If we wish to experience the riches of the city, ...it’s just an hour away! I concluded thus:
My grandparents grew up in the country,
My parents grew up in the country, and,
While perhaps I never truly grew up,
I am ... “Alfalpha Male”
I found out later that I took second place in the contest, which is just fine by me. However, I’m still perplexed; in my Impromptu offering, the audience laughed! And the best laugh was at the, “Alfalpha Male”, line, which didn’t get a chuckle in my humorous speech. People! Go Figure!
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