A small but mighty roster last night; we had but two speakers on the agenda. The first, a PhD candidate, gave us a scary overview of Canada’s ‘Tar Sands’ projects in Alberta. The second, this time an actual PhD, gave us a frightening overview of Saskatoon’s ridiculously high real estate prices.
For dramatic effect, I decided to feign a memory lapse, and, as the meeting drew to a close, I began gathering up my stuff, and, while remaining seated, put on my jacket. To all appearances, I was a member in a hurry to leave. As the Chairman began the introduction of the Joke Master, I slipped from my seat and headed for the door. Half way there my name was announced, and I turned abruptly with my best, ‘deer in the headlights’, facial expression! Setting my binder aside, I slowly made my way to the front of the room where I was welcomed by the Chairman with a warm handshake. All this to laughter, (some sympathetic), from an audience who presumed they had caught a speaker with his pants down!
“A joke about Halloween”, I began, “might not be appropriate, as humour is not the celebrations’ prime theme.” A scary story might be more in order, but ...it’s so overdone! So, instead, I’ll share with you an anecdote from my Hamlet of Kinley. The anecdote was shared with me by the person it happened to, a fellow I refer to as the, ‘Wa-Wa Wild Man’. It happened last Halloween, just after the ‘Wildman’ was leaving a séance, just around midnight. At least, I presume it was a séance, as I’m told that a wide variety of spirits were quickly raised, and, just as quickly dispensed with.
As the ‘Wildman’ was leaving the séance, he heard, coming from the town’s Pioneer Graveyard, a faint noise that sounded like, “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!” It was dark, and our protagonist could see nothing. Increasing his pace slightly, the ‘Wildman’ continued his way home, when he heard it again, louder, and drawing nearer, “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!” “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!”
As he turned to look behind him, the clouds cleared from the full moon; there, framed in the entrance of the graveyard, its’ profile highlighted by the moonlight, stood a casket! As he watched in horror, casket hopped towards him with a “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!” The sound began as the casket launched itself in it’s hop! When it left the ground, its’ doors flew open with a clatter, then, as it touched down, came a thump, and immediately the doors crashed closed, clackety-clack!
In terror our brave ‘Wildman’ turned and fled, but, behind him the, “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!” sped up in pursuit, and, it sounded like the casket was gaining! Desperately he rushed up the walk to an abandoned house, the “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!” right on his heels!
Through an entrance, where a door had once stood, he raced, into an empty room, with only one doorway on its’ far wall. Behind him came the “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!”, “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!”, as the casket hopped up the stairs, and entered behind him! He raced across the room, and flung open the one door, slamming it after he entered. The only thing in the room was a medicine cabinet! Opening it to the sound of “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!”, from the main room, he found an old, half bottle of, Buckleys’ Mixture!
With a mighty, “Clatter, Thump, Clackety-Clack!”, the door behind him crashed open! Grabbing the ‘Buckleys’, the ‘Wildman’ turned to see, framed in the doorway, the Casket, poised to pounce! With all his might he hurled the bottle, and saw it shatter inside the Casket, its’ foul liquid oozing down the Caskets’ velvet interior, and ...immediately ...The Coffin stopped!”
For those unfamiliar with Canadas’ most reviled nostrum, ‘Bucklys’ Mixture’ is a vile tasting cough suppressant ("Tastes terrible, but, it really works!"). Happy Halloween to all!
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