..."I'll be Back!"

Before meandering in to Vangelli’s last night I went to Toastmasters. I’d missed the last five meetings; it was good to be back. My contribution to the evening? Just a couple of atrocious puns; I know ...the pun is the lowest form of humour! However, if I put everything I’ve got into it ...and really stretch ...I can just reach it!

It was a good night with two speakers; one fellow gave his second presentation, this time on the importance of animation, and a young lady, for her first presentation, gave a talk on the difficulties and joys of dealing with a very premature baby. All told, entertaining, informative and touching!

They really should get rid of the guy that controlled the ‘impromptu’ portion of the evening! That maniac had people acting out, ‘Bob Newhart’ ish, telephone skits with zero preparation!

• “Break a date with your teenage heartthrob; you don’t want to lie to them ..but ..you can’t really tell the truth!”

• “You are in a Jamaican jail; busted while clearing Customs for your return flight to Canada! You have one call; use it wisely!”

• “You are a Pioneer telemarketer; you must cold call another pioneer, and convince them to upgrade their lighting system from tallow candles ...to a whale oil lamp!”

Juvenile really! But ...the folks involved did really well ...and ...it was fun to watch!

All too soon it was over; someone left a platter of cookies on the table ...I’d like to say I couldn’t help myself ...but ...I could ...and did! I’d been feeling weary for two days, and, cookies ...in the evening ...certainly didn’t help matters!

It was only a five minute drive from there to the ‘Refuse to Sit Down’ table, where I unfurled the banner of, ‘Sir Limp-A-Lot’, of the lethargic levity. I parked and sat in the car to finish my smoke; I was so tired that I considered the possibility of simply packing up and going home! But, this was what I’d come for, so, I went in.

I’d anticipated, in view of the five of six weeks of really well attended show, a poor turnout. I was right; but only in view of the audience ...we had comics coming out our ears! There were five of them sitting at one table, and, while I’d have liked to have joined them, I just said hello, and retired to my usual table, against the wall, just left of stage. A funny night, which is just what you want in a comedy club; perhaps ‘odd’ would be a better word. Perhaps 35 people were in attendance, beyond bar staff and comics. As it turned out we had 3 people make their first appearance on stage ...with varying degrees of success/failure ...depending on how you look at it.

Our ‘Jester’ got a heckler right off the hop. The fellow didn’t seem to make a great deal of sense, and the ‘Jester’ takes a fairly offensive approach to such as these; he handles fools gladly, but not with kid gloves! Thus began the old, ‘Who’s the A-hole?’ game, and, with few exceptions ...heckler’s tend not to play it well. The comic usually wins! The crowd can take either side, but, a competent comic generally wins them over. Next step is the bouncers, and, if all else fails, the other comics. Benjamin Franklin, an original North American comic, and genuine ‘shape shifter’, said it first and best, “Gentlemen, we all hang together ...or we all hang separately!”

As it was the guy started out stoopid, then took offense at being taken down a peg. It went on for minutes. The ‘Jester’, and eventually, the crowd, seemed to enjoy it; just another part of the entertainment! The ‘heckler’ finally left; whether assisted or not I couldn’t tell from my point of view ...beneath my table! Well, discretion is the entirety of this knight’s valour! I can see the necessity of quelling disruption offensively upon occasion ...but, I’d try those, ‘kid gloves’, first.

First up was a young fellow from Regina. He had material that he’d obviously worked on, and, just as important, sufficient confidence to carry his set. He had no ‘mike’ ability, and had to be informed that no one could hear him. Audience reception; poor but polite!

Next up was a fellow I’ve known for about a year; nice guy, and again, first time. He was prepared and/but cocky. A table with two ladies and one man responded poorly; the ladies started heckling him. It accelerated ...and the poor fellow could not handle it with finesse. Finally the ladies were asked to leave! At the door both paused long enough to give their final evaluation; “You really suck!” Loud, with obvious sincerity, and more than a few adjectives I didn’t bother including. Feel sorry for the comic? No! It was his loaf he cast upon that water ...he might have expected to have it returned tenfold! Still, the comic ‘won’, and continued; all round, a good first attempt! However, during this confrontation we seemed to lose half our audience!

Next up was ‘Sir Trent O’ Paisley’; third time, and much improved. His first two times I’d noticed that he vibrated with nervous energy, and bounced all over the stage. This time he appeared confident with just the right amount of cockiness to lend appeal. Well done!

Next, the ‘Master’, in suit, tie and fedora ...unusual for him in a bar. He did impressions of several comics, and some good, solid regular material. Good set and eighth day sober ...both stalwurthe performances. “Stalwurthe”, is a favourite of mine; it’s an old Scot word, and meant originally, ‘having a solid foundation’. It eventually turned up in English as ‘stalwart’, conveying, ‘Stout Hearted’. Well done!

Then, we had another first timer; someone I’d talked to on a couple other occasions. By this time I was ‘waking up’ at my table occasionally! Good presentation/mediocre reception. Hope to see him up again.
Then, the ‘Master’ shook me awake, led me to the stage and left me propped against the mike! I did most of my, ‘Rural-Sexual’ routine, and, though I didn’t have much energy to put into it, it was well received by what was left of our audience. I finished with my ‘Arnold’ bit ...where I goof just a little on gay life.

“I don’t care whether a person’s..

Hetro, Homo or Ambi-sexterous!

I know what I like.

I couldn’t be queer,

But I understand,

They just want someone they find attractive!

And I’ve never found a man attractive!

Well ...except ..perhaps...”

Someone at the back yelled, “Dez Reed?”, and they got a laugh! This, to my mind, is not heckling; it’s more just, ‘adding to the entertainment.’ You could ignore this, or you could acknowledge it, but, to confront the person would just make things worse. So ...I said;

“Dez Reed?” ...in a suit? ...maybe!

Out of his suit? ...ummh ..No!”

I got two laughs, didn’t exit my act, and continued without any further interruptions. Then I was done; I’d intended to stay and watch the last two acts, but, it was well after 11:00 pm, and I wanted to get home. As I left Vangelli’s there were four ladies outside the door having a smoke, and, along the walk, two young hoodlums doing the same. As I passed them, one said, “You were pretty funny tonight!” I smiled and said, “Thank you”, without stopping. The young fellow went on, “But you were pretty Gay!” Ok. Stop. Turn to face him. Lock eyes. Smile! “Really? ...You noticed? I was hoping it wouldn’t show!” The ladies are laughing. “Yeah” said the young fellow, “You shouldn’t use Arnold! That’s too gay!”

Keep the eyes locked. “You’re right! ...but it’s hard to find a celebrity who does the line, ‘I’ll be back’, in a thick Bavarian accent! But I’m looking. It’s like I said to my wife just this morning, “You know Bill...”

As I exit, the ladies are laughing again, the fellows speechless and disarmed. I doubt that they’d do that again. They didn’t get any laughs. Best of all, the tension was dispelled ...without any need to get ugly. Vangelli’s is taking a break for two weeks; that’s good, I have to concentrate on other things for a while. But...

“I’ll be Back!”