...Blood on The Wall!

“I was scared and fearing for my life

I was shakin' like a leaf on a tree

'Cause he was lean, mean

Big and bad, Lord

Hosein' that Hate at me!”

Thank you Mr. Skynyrd! When I went to ‘The Comic Strip’ I was concerned about the possibility of dying on stage; but, believe it or not, there are worse places for a comic to die! When the show was over I chatted for a while, then, while the Jester and Sir and Lady Lot’s O’ Laughs, got their stuff together, I nipped out front with my coffee for a smoke.

Leaning against the West Edmonton Mall wall, I was approached by two down-and-outers, who hit me up for a cigarette. The two really encroached on my personal space; this is often the first indication that the person is a social retard, but, with panhandlers it’s just a way of intimidation. They move close, you move back to regain your space, they move close again, and you give them something just to get rid of them. I didn’t budge, and gave them only eye contact, but ...don’t touch me!

Now, a mid-thirties steroid junkie, all attitude and black Harley T-shirt comes by; having no luck with me, the two ask him for a cigarette! Because of the ‘personal space’ issue, it looks as if the three of us are together, despite my being the only one with a lap-top bag! I don’t know what the problem was with this fourth player in the scene, he didn’t appear drunk, but, he flipped! He swung in to confront ‘us’, and there was poor me, with no personal space at all, back against the wall, and no way to take ‘three steps’, even if he’d let me have ‘em!

He spouts a lot of abuse, and the pan-handlers are shaking, and babbling that they had only, in fact, asked for a cigarette! I’m wondering how I got caught up in this low rent nightmare! The ‘Harley’ boy has his fists cocked, and yells, “I’m afraid! ...Have you any idea what I’m afraid of!?” The pan-handlers are beyond words! This is no time for a joke! I try to defuse the tension by stating the obvious; “You’re afraid you’re going to hurt someone!”, which was, I thought, the truth, and something I was afraid of myself!

The ‘Hog’ psycho locks my eyes and I’m hosed down with hate and rage! For a minute I’m thinking that this ‘moment’ isn’t going to evolve well! Then ‘Hog’ man again dispenses his macho wisdom, and I’m picturing myself as ‘roid-rage road kill’! “Yeah!” he shouts, “I’m afraid I’m going to hurt someone! There’ll be blood on the wall ...and it won’t be mine!” Then, after glaring for a few more seconds, he turns and stalks off into the Edmonton night!

I’ve got even more adrenaline kicking through my system than when I came off stage just an hour ago! My hearts beating so hard it’s putting stretch marks on my old ‘Indian’ pull-over! I didn’t enjoy this scenario at all; but, it has proven a remarkably efficient cure for chronic comic constipation!