Simon Says!

I read Larry Wilde’s, “How the Great Comedy Writers Create Laughter”, this last week, and found it quite interesting. I always wondered what the difference between a comic and a comedy writer might be, and, moreover, why a writer wouldn’t want to be a performer of his own material? Neil Simon gave an interesting response to a question posed by Mr. Wilde:

“What motivates someone like you to be satisfied to hear audience laughter from the back of the theatre as opposed to someone who has to get up and get laughs in front of an audience?”

“Well, I’m not quite sure what his drive is. There are comedians who are not funny at all but who say very funny things written by other people. The go out and say those same things over and over again. I can’t imagine what kind of joy they get, except if they do it in terms of an actor. I don’t think they do, because an actor usually puts himself behind the mask of a character he’s playing. He’s projecting a little of himself in this other character. The comic doing the same jokes over and over – I don’t know what kind of satisfaction he gets except for making a living.


If I’m at a party and on a rare occasion I say something funny and there’s a big laugh and people say, “You’ve got to tell so and so over there.” I can’t do it for the life of me – say it again. I’ve just done it. The moment is gone for me. Let me give you an example:


I was on the Johnny Carson show, and he asked me about the first joke I had ever written on the Sid Caesar show. I related the joke and it got an enormous laugh. The laugh I got from the audience was not as satisfying to me as two moments. One, when I made up the joke years before, and the first time the audience laughed at it on the air when Sid Caesar did it. When I did it I was just repeating something. I could have repeated somebody else’s joke and got the same laugh from the audience. That’s not my particular way of getting gratification.”

I kind of, ‘get’, what Simon is saying here, but can’t completely agree with it from my point of view. Yes, I do take pleasure on those rare occasions when I present something funny in printed form, and there is no greater pleasure than the serendipitous occurrence of genuine wit; that is, the intersection of the perfect spoken words at the perfect moment! However, if you were to count on that ‘Serendipity’ on a comedy stage you would, in all likelihood, be disappointed.

There is greater safety in just creating the funny lines that a comic or characters deliver on stage; at the same time, it seems to me, that the fellow that wrote the lines should have to be up there, on stage, to see what the audience’s reaction to them will be, and that is not safe at all! At the same time, while I do find myself getting bored with material I’ve given before an audience too often, the instant gratification of delivering a good comedy set to a receptive audience is beyond compare! As I quoted Writer/Actor/Comic, Don Harron, elsewhere on this page:

"I'm addicted to the laughs. It's the strongest drug I've ever known. It makes heroin seem like aspirin. It wraps around you like love."

Buds & Floods!

38 down and 62 to go! It was a good night, Thursday, for the, ‘Great Plains Comedy Festival’, at Buds on Broadway. There were well over one hundred people in attendance, and, it almost seemed at times, nearly that many comics! The show started about 10:00 pm and continued ‘til, I believe, 1:30.


It was a funny room, divided into two, with the audience on the bigger side, and the comics all congregated on the small side. Our view was obstructed, and a couple of the acts I found it difficult to hear. I’d worked all day, and felt rather like a dinosaur compared to all the young fresh faces.

‘Buds’, is an old building, a blues bar, with a neat little stage and miniscule dance floor up front. The crowd was interesting, composed of a wide and varied swath of Saskatoon’s finest. But, I have to admit that they were a great audience, and I managed to get through 8 minutes and 52 seconds of material with fairly enthusiastic response.

Didn’t get to listen to my taped set ‘til this morning, and, as per usual, I’m not happy with my delivery. On the other hand the numbers were good with a Positive Audience Response score of 32, which breaks down to 19 seconds of laughter per minute. I’ll take that, thank you, and work towards a better set next year.

Afterwards I managed to catch the sets of both Lars Callieou, and Tommy Savitt, but, as midnight approached I headed back to Kinley. My Bride and I had to head to Calgary in the morning for a little photo-op at the Foothills University Hospital.

It never ceases to amaze me what a Fool can swallow! On Thursday, with the aid of a, ‘gag reflex inhibitor’, I managed to swallow, not just a video camera, but a floodlight as well! I’m sure there’s a joke in there somewhere, but ...I won’t go looking for it! My Bride had made reservations for Friday and Saturday night for us at a camp ground in Maple Creek, one of our favourite Saskatchewan destinations. Seeing that my appointment with the CT scan on Friday might leave us running late, my Bride called the camp ground to let them know that we might not arrive till late at night.

A tearful proprietor informed her that we had no reservations! My Bride began to argue the point, but was interrupted by the proprietor who informed us that she had 15 RV’s floating, and a similar number sunken beneath the deluge they received on Thursday! The only way we could use our reserved site was if we were to use scuba gear! An intriguing possibility, but one that really inhibits the probability of a nice campfire!

We decided to head down to Medicine Hat in spite of the flooding, just to see what was going on. Listening to the radio on the way we were updated on the drowning of thousands of ‘Centrosaurus’s’, about 80 kilometres north of Medicine Hat, some 63 million years ago. 63 million years of flooding is, indeed, a recurrent theme!

Upon our arrival in Medicine Hat we found it, surprise, surprise ... raining! We also found the Trans Canada Highway closed! We managed to find a camp site, but had to bail when my Bride spied a neighbouring camper openly taking a piss in front of his truck! Not just, to her eye, a breach of camp etiquette, but, in view of the torrential rain, a breach of flood etiquette.

We found another camp ground where the residents’ ‘potty’ habits were closer to my Brides’ delicate tastes! Saturday morning started sunny, but the forecast said that the water would break before noon; fifty two years previous my mother’s water broke, so, Bride and I decided to abandon ship and return to Kinley to celebrate my birthday with a Ken Burnes movie marathon on the settling of the West. So far two DVDs down, and three remaining to be seen.

Not in the Woods No More!

It had to happen sooner or later, ...our Kinley Postal workers went Postal. Neighbour Jerry arrived last night as I was barbequeing, in his hand a fresh picture of the couple that deliver our mail. Jerry said, "You won't have to worry about your bear no more!" Sure enough, stretched out before our Posties was a very 300 lb, very dead bear ...posed with a high caliber rifle propped against it!

I said, "Very nice Jerry, but ...that ain't my bear!" It had been shot 2 miles north of Kinley last Wednesday, but, truth to tell, this bear appeared a brownish colour, and ours had appeared a very believable 'black'! I don't wish to sound boastful, but ...in my minds' eye, our bear was also about three sizes larger!

Just an update folks. I have little time to concern myself with Postal workers shooting bears, while I'm preparing to shoot bull! However, the event does give this Provinces Posties a new twist on an old boast, "Niether rain, nor sleet, nor snow, nor dark of night, ...hmmm ...did I mention bears!?

No Bear Bottoms in Kinley!

Haven’t again seen the southern end of a north bound bear in Kinley. There are big official posters up in our Post Office warning people as to the possibility of running into one in town, and advising them to keep an eye on their pets; apparently bears are fond of canine canapés! Poor Claymore ...I’ve been calling him, “Bear Bait!”

A couple local hunters have told me that black bear sightings are not uncommon around Perdue, which, at just five miles west of here, is what I consider local. My Bride and I attended the big garage sale in the Kinley Community Center on Saturday, and had the opportunity of chatting with Mayor Cindy. She said that up until just a couple years ago she’d scoffed at the notion of bears in her community; however, a personal sighting changed her convictions.

Also in attendance at our garage sale was a young member of the Biggar RCMP, who informed me that two ‘nuisance’ bears have been shot locally this year. We have one hunter licensed for just that purpose, and, at this time of year the bears are raiding local apiaries. Later in the year the bears can destroy acres of crop as they leisurely roll through what to them is just a huge buffet. My Bride does not like hearing of this, but, when pressed, will admit that she doesn’t like the notion of bears in the backyard; ...they’re more annoying than mosquitoes, and don’t respond well to a smart slap!

Charlatan in a Showcase!

Damn! ...could have went to Aberdeen with the boys last night, but didn’t, because I had to work in the morning! And, the long and short of it, ...rained out again! However, I do have, ‘Buds on Broadway’, this coming Wednesday, and don’t have to work the next day; ironic as it sounds when my budgetary ship is awash in ‘rain days’, I’m taking a couple days off to go to Calgary ...Thursday and Friday will probably be the only sunny days next week!


However, ‘Buds’, will be, not an open mike, but, a show case. I read a list of rules for, ‘Show Cases’, in the Oct. 18th, ’09, edition of, ‘Stage Time Magazine’, and will give their list here, with comments by yours facetiously:

7 Things to Avoid When Showcasing

1) Don’t walk on stage and say, “How ya’ll doing?”
This isn’t a social call, ...open strong!

2) Don’t say, “Give it up for the host.”
That is merely, ‘priming the applause pumps’, I don’t care for it in everyday performances, and it has no place in important events.

3) Don’t say, “I don’t know what I’m going to talk about.”
If it’s true, you don’t deserve to be there; if it’s false ...you’re just wasting time ...their's and yours!

4) Avoid first draft jokes.
This is no time for experimenting. Lately I’ve appeared too often with minute upon minute of untried material, and no idea as to how it will go over, and just a notion of how best to present it. This is time for tried and true.

5) Don’t establish yourself through, ‘gathering’. Example; Where’s all the ladies at?”
Don’t care for this personally. Don’t do it. Won’t worry about it.

6) Avoid hack jokes!
Well, 5 out of 6 ain’t bad! I’ll just do the best I can with what God gave me, and what I’ve managed to steal.

7) No crowd work! The industry wants to know who you are, not where the audience is from.
I don’t do ‘crowd work’ myself, though I’m first to admit that I need to work on it. For large audiences it is not necessary, to my mind. However, it has it’s place, or, even, is essential to work with small groups, to establish a bond before beginning your prepared material.



5 Things to Do On a Showcase

1) Be prepared.
Good advice any time, but, especially when you aim to please!

2) Kill from start to finish.
Consistent material is essential. Some of your stuff is weaker than others ...put it in the middle! Your best should go at the end, and your second best should lead!

3) Start with a strong opening.
Yes! Your second best material here; if you don’t catch ‘em off the hop, you may not catch ‘em at all!

4) Your base should be an extension of your opening.
Yes! Everything should lead and build to your close.

5) Your closing should be strong and wrap up your set.
Can’t add anything to that but my agreement!

See? Simple really, when you get right down to it! That’s what I’ll be doing for the next couple days, ...getting down to it! I’ll try to have it completely prepared and rehearsed this weekend, then, if I actually work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, I’ll be able to just go over it a couple times to refresh myself.

Sanity?...More Than I Can Bear!

Winnie the Pooh?

No! Wrong Province,

And already taken!

Have to be...

'Sassy the Shit'

For Saskatoon,

or

'Kinny the Crap',

For Kinley!

Last night, returning from Beily’s, I caught, out of the corner of my eye, a geenormous dog loping down my street. My Bride awoke upon my arrival, and I mentioned the ‘dog’ sighting, adding that I’d never seen that big a dog in Kinley! This morning, while making calls to see whether or not to go to work, I saw something sauntering along the edge of my lawn, a big black dog ..no! ...make that a ...bear! I called my Bride, and, together, we watched as it loped across the lot next door, and disappeared behind neighbour Dean’s shop! I have to quit doing mushrooms before work in the morning, and, ...so should my Bride!

Un-bearable badinage!

Beily’s was a mixed success; I did seven minutes and thirty seconds for a PAR score of 24, which breaks down to 14 seconds of positive audience response per minute. This was not full audience response, but scattered laughter and applause ...even a groan or two. On the ‘up’ side, with one exception, these were all new untried jokes, and the one repeat I’d done three times in the last two weeks. So, with new material, and considering that I’d just spent 10 hours pushing hot asphalt across cold asphalt, I was fairly happy with my reception.

“Went to Waniskeiwin Saturday!
Had Traditional Native
Bison and Cheese Pizza,
On traditional Bannock crust,
Probably made in Traditional,
Tee-Pee ..zzaria!”

I was surprised that some of my atrocious puns received applause, and, less surprised that, while I got good response from some, for the most part I failed to hold the crowd. 14 seconds of laughter per minute aren’t to be sneezed at, but, it falls way short of the feeling you receive when getting massed laughter of 24 seconds per minute from the whole audience. I talked a little about all the rain, and admitted that I didn’t mind getting wet:

“If I had my choice,
...I’d live in a placenta,
...Filled with beer!
...A womb ...with a brew!
Overlooking ...a Bush!”

I would have loved to stay and see how the other amateurs made out with the crowd, but, bed and Bride were calling. I really resented having to miss seeing our Headliner, Tommy Savvit, from L.A.; from what I heard today, he was excellent! There is no Vangelli’s this week, so, if the Parktown is in the cards for Saturday, I’ll go with tried and true material, most likely a partial selection of what I’m going to do next Wednesday for the, “Great Plains Comedy Festival”, at ‘BUD'S ON BROADWAY’.

As it turned out, I drove my Bride into work today and was allowed to return home for yet another, ‘rain day’! I haven’t worked more than three days in each of the last two weeks, and the weather forecast calls for rain every day this week! I wouldn’t mind being semi-employed, if I was fully compensated, but ...I ain’t! Then, these early morning wild life visitations; I’m not sure whether I’m losing marbles ...or gaining bears!

P.S. While putting this together, Kinley Counsilor, Jill Leslie, who I'd talked to about the bear infestation this morning, called to say that, after consultation with our Mayor, and, greater authority, her Mother, there are bears, and frequent bear sightings in our area. 30 miles north of here I'm told that a fellow I know has had black bears living on his acerage for the last two years.

Raining Fools!

A rain day, in sunny ToonTown; go figure! Took my Bride down to Vangelli’s last night for, ‘Refuse to Sit Down’, and, surprise, surprise, only three comics, and about the same number in the audience! Our Jester pulled the plug at 10:00; there will be no, ‘Refuse to Sit Down’, next week. So Vangelli’s was a washout, and then, this morning, I was rained out at work! On the ‘up’ side, The Parktown is going to do its’ Saturday show, it only remains to be decided whether on a weekly, or monthly basis, as well as having a contract signed by the Jester.


The Crown Prince wants me to go to a monthly Comedy show at a bar in Regina, but, can’t this month as I’m booked in Calgary that day; I’m headlining in a CT scan! But, July should be open on a Friday evening. At the same time, the Prince suggested three places I might give a call to do a slot while I’m in Calgary.

The boys also got the inside scoop on the winner of the Parktown’s Comedy Contest; I’d wondered about Brian. I’d asked him about his previous experience, and he told me that he’d only appeared on a Comedy stage once before, in November; that he’d almost cancelled that appearance because it was on the same day as a funeral of a friend. He went on to say that he’d went on stage in spite of circumstances, and had not had a chance again since then. I congratulated him on his tenacity, remarking that when doing comedy, the important thing is that the comic doesn’t die!

My Bride was talking to him as well, and asked whether he was nervous; he replied that he was, but was trying to overcome it. I was surprised when he took the stage in his unassertive way, and began cracking wiser than a tree full of owls! He remained indisposed at the microphone, but didn’t display the signs of timidity that most do when not experienced on stage. I was much impressed at his ability to just stand there patiently while the audience laughed, (and there was no shortage of laughter), and not step on his own lines; it was most remarkable!

However, the boys put me onto his game; while none of us recognized him, he’s well known to the Master. He’s a retired ‘talking head’ from television, and he’s been doing his ‘schtick’ for years; five years ago he was performing with our own, Jim Fooks! But he doesn’t do regular comedy shows; just goes out for amateur comedy contests, and, according to those that should know, only has about ten minutes material.

This doesn’t ruffle my feathers, but it strikes me curiouser and curiouser that he would go so far out of his way to mislead everyone else in the competition! I might object if he was a professional, but, the definition of professional is murky at best. To my mind a person is a professional only if they are making their entire living by practising their craft. It just seems funny is all, and, ...he was funny!

On the up side, the Jester said I’d placed a close second, which, while not meaning much, has a nice reassuring feel to it, and, Brian is the reigning Fool! My Bride and I were home by 11:00, which is pretty good for a Wednesday night, but, that still leaves me stuck at #36!